Government Subsidized Porn In The Golden State

Over two years ago in July of 2010, I wrote a popular post titled, “Keep Your Fingers ‘Outa My Happy Meal.”  In it I related the decision of progressive California legislators to slim down all our chunky kids by legislating away the toys in their McDonald’s Happy Meals.  A liberal politician’s wet dream, the Happy Meal  decision was only one example of how the “Golden State” was fast becoming the “Nanny State.”  And were that not enough, another  recent northern California decision is adding the dubious distinction of us now becoming the “Ninny State,” as well.

It seems that in San Francisco, a growing number of visitors to the public library have been going there to surf for porn on the internet.  I guess it makes sense.  After all, with the state suffocating under a 16 BILLION dollar shortfall, it’s easy to understand that private citizens have had to cut back on their personal porn budgets in order to make ends meet.  And in California, (where you can turn to the government to get lots of stuff for free), looking at porn on taxpayer subsidized computers seems like the most natural thing to do.
 

Now, a reasonable person might think that the quickest solution to the library porn problem, is to simply block access to offending sites using available technology.  But remember… I’m talking about “progressive” California here, and whether something is reasonable or not usually has nothing to do with the decisions that are made.  That considered, library administrators initiated what was considered a “creative” solution that was fair to everyone.  They simply installed privacy screens around some of the computer monitors so that horny patrons could watch porn privately, out of the sight of innocent passers-by.

Speaking with a local television station, one of the librarians explained the decision this way:  “We’re always looking for any kind of elegant solution that strikes a balance between the right to privacy, and folks that want to use the library for any other intended purpose.” Now, to know why she called the solution “elegant,” one would most likely have to see the screens that were installed .  Perhaps they are beautifully painted with bucolic scenes of lusty bees pollinating seductive flowers, or decorated with industrial tableaus of oil derricks pumping rhythmically into deep well casings… who knows?  But elegant or not, being able to surf for porn on the public’s dime seems to be as obscene as what might be hidden behind those screens.

I mean, what will the San Francisco Library bureaucrats decide to allow next in their attempt to insure “free speech” for their more hormonal patrons?  How about hand lotion and boxes of Kleenex at each computer station under the guise of public health?  How about a rack of skin magazines to promote the cause of “reading?”  What about a few shelves of “Vivid Productions” hottest videos to encourage research on the craft of filmmaking?  And while kids can’t get toys in their Happy Meals at the local McDonalds, perhaps the library can start checking out sex toys to help their adult counterparts burn calories without having to go to the gym.

You see, as pathetic as it sounds, the political topography in California is strewn with SO many “slippery slopes,” just about anything is possible in the Golden State.  This time it just happens to be public libraries at the forefront of such progressive activism… that is, at least until they run out of tax dollars to buy more of those elegant privacy screens.

E-Mail: “Why Teachers Drink”

Knowing I’m a former teacher, a dear friend sent me an e-mail this week titled, “Why Teachers Drink.”  It was purported to be a selection of whacky student answers to test questions on a variety of subjects.  While I have no way to verify whether they’re authentic or just the product of some joke writers, I thought I'd pass them along and put a smile on your face.

I must admit, part of the joy of teaching for me, was that every now and then students made my day with answers on quizzes that were absolutely hilarious.  Some were unintentional, of course, but most came from bright kids that hadn’t bothered preparing for whatever test they were taking.  Perhaps feeling obligated to offer some sort of response, they concocted answers that while wildly incorrect, made you want to give them partial credit… at least for comedic brilliance.  Here are a few such examples:


Q:  What was Sir Walter Raleigh famous for?
A:  He is a noted figure in history because he invented cigarettes and started a craze for bicycles.

Q:  What did Mahatma Gandhi and Genghis Khan have in common?
A:  Unusual names.

Q:  Name one of the early Romans’ greatest achievements.
A:  Learning to speak Latin.

Q:  How does Romeo’s character develop throughout the play?
A:  It doesn’t, it’s just self, self, self, all the way through.

Q:  Name the wife of Orpheus, whom he attempted to save from the underworld.
A:  Mrs. Orpheus.

Q:  What happens during puberty to a boy?
A:  He says goodbye to his childhood, enters adultery.

Q:  What is the meaning of the word, “varicose?”
A:  Close by.

Q:  What is the highest frequency noise that a human can register?
A:  Mariah Carey.

Q:  What is a fibula?
A:  A little lie.

Q:  Joanna works in an office.  Her computer is a stand-alone system.  What is a stand-alone computer system?
A:  It doesn’t come with a chair.

Q:  What is a vibration?
A:  There are good vibrations and bad vibrations.  Good vibrations were discovered in the 1960’s.

Q:  The race of people known as Malays come from which country?
A: Malaria

Q:  Briefly explain what hard water is.
A:  Ice.   

Q:  Why would living close to a mobile phone mast cause ill health?
A:  You might walk into it.

Q:  Explain the phrase, “free press.”
A:  When your mum irons your pants for you.

Q:  Name six animals which live specifically in the Arctic?
A:  Two polar bears and four seals.

 

The Freebie Frenzy at Costco

I don’t often use public restrooms, but if I did I’d expect to see the following message etched on the dividing walls of every bathroom stall in the country:  “Want free oral gratification?  Costco will do you best.  Sample the service before you pay, no questions asked.”  And beneath that, of course, would be the address of the nearest Costco Wholesale Warehouse to which one could hurry for such diversion.

The reason I say this is because lately, my trips to Costco have been as frustrating as those to the Department of Motor Vehicles used to be before they started booking appointments.  You see, I’m an “item specific” shopper.  The contents of my refrig and food pantry hold none of the intrigue of a home version of Let’s Make A Deal’s “What’s behind door number one?”  It’s boringly similar, week after week.  My stock items are always there, unafraid they are going to be replaced by something more exotic anytime soon.

Now, being that kind of shopper means that I can get through a store in record time, that is, unless I run into things that slow me down.  So that’s my beef with Costco.  At the head of most every isle throughout the store, is stationed a minimum wage earning Senior Citizen hawking free samples of merchandise the warehouse wants to push to its patrons.  And as scores of behemoth-sized creatures and their families waddle up to graze on these freebies, their distended derrieres accumulate and block the isles for those of us who only want to shop and go home.

Of course, being one who applies keen analysis to the things in life that bug him, I have studied this freebie fiasco at length and reached a few conclusions.  First, free samples do NOT seem to result in a major increase in the amounts of these items sold. After stuffing their faces with chicken fingers and fake crab flakes, customers walk right past the display cases where they’re stored, and make their way to the next gratuitous goody.  So, other than keeping Senior Citizens out of the hair of their relatives by giving them temporary employment, and adding to the caloric intake of many individuals who should actually have their mouths wired shut, it doesn’t seem to be an effective way for Costco to sell a lot more merchandise.

Beyond that, I think Costco is unknowingly training a generation of subtly sneaky snackers that have taken the art of “getting stuff for free” to a new level.  All you have to do is watch them in action for a few moments.  There’s the “feigned interest” type that can keep the senior hostess distracted as they extend their stay at the booth by asking hard hitting questions such as, “Do these come in a box or a bag,” or “You mean you prepared these in that microwave?”  Of course, delighted that their “service” has generated any questions at all, the oldsters keep answering as the freeloader keeps stuffing his or her face for minutes on end.

Then there’s the “feed the herd” clowns that show up after having summoned and brought along every hungry relative in their zip code area.  They crowd around the geriatric Giveaway Gal and start passing samples back into the ranks of their kin just like they were Jesus feeding the multitudes.  Of course, the number of samples passed back ends up doubling or tripling the actual number of people in line, so everyone gets more than one freebie in the confusion.

Finally there’s the “orbital specialists” who circle the store making repeated stops at the senior carts each and every time they pass by.  And while I might be dreaming, I’d swear that some of them stop in remote areas of the store and change their appearances by taking off a hat, or removing a jacket, or hiking up their pants so the already forgetful senior server won’t recognize them on their second, third, and even fourth stop for free grub.

I guess if Rodney King were still around and commenting on this Costco rant, he’d play the arbitrator and say, “Can’t we all just get along ?”  And, of course, being the nice guy I am, I'd agree… but only after adding these extra words to his plea:  “Can’t we all just get along…… WITH OUR SHOPPING without having to trip over hoards of oral opportunists in the process?  I mean, come on, Costco, stick to what you do best… selling stuff.  Either that or apply for 501(c)3 status and turn your operation into a social welfare organization.  At least then, the “hungry” won’t have to buy a membership.