I don’t often use public restrooms, but if I did I’d expect to see the following message etched on the dividing walls of every bathroom stall in the country: “Want free oral gratification? Costco will do you best. Sample the service before you pay, no questions asked.” And beneath that, of course, would be the address of the nearest Costco Wholesale Warehouse to which one could hurry for such diversion.
The reason I say this is because lately, my trips to Costco have been as frustrating as those to the Department of Motor Vehicles used to be before they started booking appointments. You see, I’m an “item specific” shopper. The contents of my refrig and food pantry hold none of the intrigue of a home version of Let’s Make A Deal’s “What’s behind door number one?” It’s boringly similar, week after week. My stock items are always there, unafraid they are going to be replaced by something more exotic anytime soon.
Now, being that kind of shopper means that I can get through a store in record time, that is, unless I run into things that slow me down. So that’s my beef with Costco. At the head of most every isle throughout the store, is stationed a minimum wage earning Senior Citizen hawking free samples of merchandise the warehouse wants to push to its patrons. And as scores of behemoth-sized creatures and their families waddle up to graze on these freebies, their distended derrieres accumulate and block the isles for those of us who only want to shop and go home.
Of course, being one who applies keen analysis to the things in life that bug him, I have studied this freebie fiasco at length and reached a few conclusions. First, free samples do NOT seem to result in a major increase in the amounts of these items sold. After stuffing their faces with chicken fingers and fake crab flakes, customers walk right past the display cases where they’re stored, and make their way to the next gratuitous goody. So, other than keeping Senior Citizens out of the hair of their relatives by giving them temporary employment, and adding to the caloric intake of many individuals who should actually have their mouths wired shut, it doesn’t seem to be an effective way for Costco to sell a lot more merchandise.
Of course, being one who applies keen analysis to the things in life that bug him, I have studied this freebie fiasco at length and reached a few conclusions. First, free samples do NOT seem to result in a major increase in the amounts of these items sold. After stuffing their faces with chicken fingers and fake crab flakes, customers walk right past the display cases where they’re stored, and make their way to the next gratuitous goody. So, other than keeping Senior Citizens out of the hair of their relatives by giving them temporary employment, and adding to the caloric intake of many individuals who should actually have their mouths wired shut, it doesn’t seem to be an effective way for Costco to sell a lot more merchandise.
Beyond that, I think Costco is unknowingly training a generation of subtly sneaky snackers that have taken the art of “getting stuff for free” to a new level. All you have to do is watch them in action for a few moments. There’s the “feigned interest” type that can keep the senior hostess distracted as they extend their stay at the booth by asking hard hitting questions such as, “Do these come in a box or a bag,” or “You mean you prepared these in that microwave?” Of course, delighted that their “service” has generated any questions at all, the oldsters keep answering as the freeloader keeps stuffing his or her face for minutes on end.
Then there’s the “feed the herd” clowns that show up after having summoned and brought along every hungry relative in their zip code area. They crowd around the geriatric Giveaway Gal and start passing samples back into the ranks of their kin just like they were Jesus feeding the multitudes. Of course, the number of samples passed back ends up doubling or tripling the actual number of people in line, so everyone gets more than one freebie in the confusion.
Finally there’s the “orbital specialists” who circle the store making repeated stops at the senior carts each and every time they pass by. And while I might be dreaming, I’d swear that some of them stop in remote areas of the store and change their appearances by taking off a hat, or removing a jacket, or hiking up their pants so the already forgetful senior server won’t recognize them on their second, third, and even fourth stop for free grub.
Finally there’s the “orbital specialists” who circle the store making repeated stops at the senior carts each and every time they pass by. And while I might be dreaming, I’d swear that some of them stop in remote areas of the store and change their appearances by taking off a hat, or removing a jacket, or hiking up their pants so the already forgetful senior server won’t recognize them on their second, third, and even fourth stop for free grub.
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