Bulge, Or Weapon Of Mass Destruction?

Much has been said about the hit-and-miss way TSA agents  choose people to pat down at airport security checkpoints.  They have had their hands all over travelers as young as toddlers, and their mitts on seniors as old as Methuselah.  They have yanked people out of wheel chairs, babies out of carriers, and removed prosthetic limbs to search spaces filled only milliseconds before by amputated stubs.

Now, I don’t know if pulling aside and patting down such non-suspicious travelers is straight out of the TSA training manual, or just blatant on-the-job exploitation of a particular fetish.  All I know is that in “profiling” terms, toddlers and crippled old folks don’t meet my criteria of hardened terrorists, or passengers that might put a flight it jeopardy… that is, unless the toddler fills a stinky diaper after takeoff, or the senior ingested cabbage soup at an airport diner just before boarding.

It's a fact that airports have spent millions of dollars on fancy machines to expose those who might want to cause terror in the skies.  But even those don’t always distinguish the good guys from the bad.  A recent case at the San Francisco Airport proves my point.  TSA agents noticed a “suspicious” bulge in the pants of a male traveler.  Not sure whether it was contraband, or just the fact he was happy to see them, they had him step into the body scanner for further inspection.  Indeed, it did show a massive bulge on his thigh.  When asked if he had a growth “down there,” he bluntly told them it was his “d_ _k.”  Caught off guard by his candid admission, the embarrassed TSA agents thanked him for his time and let him go through.

That said, if TSA agents frisk kids and geriatric grandmas, it’s my opinion they should have asked this gentleman into a secure room and told him to drop his pants.  After all, a $170,000 piece of taxpayer paid-for technology had just deemed him “suspicious.”  Why take his word that the bulge was nothing more than a long shlong?  Everyone understands how clever terrorists can be these days.  For all those TSA agents knew he could have been concealing a  hose bomb down there, or a sausage casing full of C4 explosives.  Or it might have been a condom full of deadly nerve gas ready to release at 20,000 feet, or an anesthetized snake he planned to revive and let loose on the plane.  I mean, come on……the possibilities are endless.

In airport terms, then, the truth about a suspicious “protrusion” in one’s pants should rise or fall on its merit, not the word of the person involved.  And, considering that TSA agents continue to frisk children and seniors on a regular basis, they need to deal with such bulges in a more direct and hands-on manner.  After all, embarrassment should not keep one from doing his or her job in an effective manner, especially since “embarrassment” has never stopped TSA agents from questionable searches in the past.

Finally, lest you think I feel so strongly about this issue because it is rumored that the last time I went through an airport scanner my profile generated TSA questions as to whether I had undergone a sex change operation, that would be incorrect.  There were absolutely no questions asked.  After the scan they simply waved me through with a polite, “Thank you for your cooperation, Mam.”