E-Mail: “Why Teachers Drink”

Knowing I’m a former teacher, a dear friend sent me an e-mail this week titled, “Why Teachers Drink.”  It was purported to be a selection of whacky student answers to test questions on a variety of subjects.  While I have no way to verify whether they’re authentic or just the product of some joke writers, I thought I'd pass them along and put a smile on your face.

I must admit, part of the joy of teaching for me, was that every now and then students made my day with answers on quizzes that were absolutely hilarious.  Some were unintentional, of course, but most came from bright kids that hadn’t bothered preparing for whatever test they were taking.  Perhaps feeling obligated to offer some sort of response, they concocted answers that while wildly incorrect, made you want to give them partial credit… at least for comedic brilliance.  Here are a few such examples:


Q:  What was Sir Walter Raleigh famous for?
A:  He is a noted figure in history because he invented cigarettes and started a craze for bicycles.

Q:  What did Mahatma Gandhi and Genghis Khan have in common?
A:  Unusual names.

Q:  Name one of the early Romans’ greatest achievements.
A:  Learning to speak Latin.

Q:  How does Romeo’s character develop throughout the play?
A:  It doesn’t, it’s just self, self, self, all the way through.

Q:  Name the wife of Orpheus, whom he attempted to save from the underworld.
A:  Mrs. Orpheus.

Q:  What happens during puberty to a boy?
A:  He says goodbye to his childhood, enters adultery.

Q:  What is the meaning of the word, “varicose?”
A:  Close by.

Q:  What is the highest frequency noise that a human can register?
A:  Mariah Carey.

Q:  What is a fibula?
A:  A little lie.

Q:  Joanna works in an office.  Her computer is a stand-alone system.  What is a stand-alone computer system?
A:  It doesn’t come with a chair.

Q:  What is a vibration?
A:  There are good vibrations and bad vibrations.  Good vibrations were discovered in the 1960’s.

Q:  The race of people known as Malays come from which country?
A: Malaria

Q:  Briefly explain what hard water is.
A:  Ice.   

Q:  Why would living close to a mobile phone mast cause ill health?
A:  You might walk into it.

Q:  Explain the phrase, “free press.”
A:  When your mum irons your pants for you.

Q:  Name six animals which live specifically in the Arctic?
A:  Two polar bears and four seals.