In Defense of “Dirty Old Men”

(NOTE:  If you’re a man, you can probably skip this post because you’ll learn nothing new by reading it.  Every word will make perfect sense to you, while those same words will be scrutinized with great suspicion by your female counterparts.)

I think the term “Dirty Old Man” is mostly unfair.  The other night I was flipping channels when I came across a movie where two attractive young ladies were walking past a stoop in some urban neighborhood.  Sitting there were two older men, who when the women walked by, began to beam and made some comment about the scenery getting better by the second.  Showing obvious disdain, one female said to the other, “Ignore them, they’re just dirty old men.”

As I could well have been one of those smiling gents, her comment ticked me off.  So I looked up the term, “dirty old man,” in a number of on-line dictionaries.  Let me give you just four of the definitions I found, then comment on each in defense of we older guys around the world:

     1: “An older man that is thought to show an unnatural interest in sex.”  The problem with this definition, is that it assumes that a geriatric interest in sex is unnatural.  If you want to prove that’s bogus, just go to a mall someday and watch an old man slumped on a bench, seemingly exhausted from all the walking he’s been doing.  Notice how quickly he perks up when a pretty woman in a tight skirt or short shorts walks by.  And, if only for a moment, he sits upright and swivels his arthritic neck around like he was an owl, watching her posterior sway rhythmically as she fades from clear sight.  It’s as natural to him as breathing.  It’s an instinct planted deeply within him by the Creator.

     2.  “An older man who is sexually interested in younger women or girls.”  To this definition I’d simply utter, “DUH…?” Of course his interest would be in younger women.  Have you stopped to consider the wrinkled, gravity ravished selection he might have at the Senior Citizen Home?  You see, while a man’s body and mind deteriorates with age, that tiny impulse button implanted deep within in his brain, (the one meant to maintain the population of our species), continues to work around the clock.  And when a beautiful or sexy young woman walks by, that button kicks in like it did when the man was young, unchecked by the obvious variable that it’s now encased in a disintegrating body.  Again, the response is automatic, and proven by the fact that the last thing about which that old man will ever think before lapsing into a final coma, are the supple breasts of the attractive nurse standing at his bedside.

     3.  “A mature or elderly man with lewd or obscene preoccupations.”  This is probably the most inaccurate definition of the bunch.  It seems a little presumptuous that many women think any older man that “flirts” with them wants to get them naked and into the bedroom.  Let’s be realistic here!   How embarrassing would it be for an old guy if he was actually invited  to strip down and “do the deed” with a gal half his age or less?  It would end up badly, like going to a “high noon” shootout without your pistol or ammunition.  And if it’s one thing old guys don’t need more of,  it’s embarrassment regarding their dwindling physical prowess.

     4.   “An older man who offends people by being sexually interested in someone younger than him.”  First of all, if my innocent “flirtiness” offends a woman, (or anyone for that matter), I’m sorry, but I see it as pretty much THEIR problem.  Being offended is always a matter of perception, and with the advent of social media it’s become a cottage industry in this politically correct society.  I would hope, instead, that if I smiled at a young lady as she walked by, (unless I was doing so with my hand down my pants), she would take it as a show of my appreciation for her attractiveness as a member of the female species.  As a male, I would think that seeing herself through my old eyes, and realizing she absolutely still “had it,” our meeting would be the highlight of her day.  And rather than be offended, why not think of it as her having “made” some pathetic old guy’s day, as well? 

Finally, why should society be offended when an older man shows sexual interest in younger women, anyway?  Everyone knows it’s almost always a mental exercise on his part, a reverie of the days when he was truly efficient in the skill of pursuing and capturing the hearts and attention of the opposite sex.  After all, what does an old man have if not the dreams of who he WAS at a time when he was really GOOD at it?  Discounting the few among us who truly are perverts, then, older gents are getting a bad rap for simply trying to recapture their youth.  And that’s much of what we do to fill the time while we’re waiting to die.