Success Is Only A Signup Away !

Around here, almost every daytime television program is sponsored by a trade school of some sort. Each day they cast a wide net trying to snag those who are sprawled on their couches dreaming of a lucrative career in something, but have done little (including graduating from High School) to make that dream a reality.

What’s striking, aside from the type of clientele to whom these pitches are targeted, is how low budget some of the commercials appear to be. It seems they are done using volunteer students borrowed from a remedial reading class, using a script written by a former ad agency trainee, and filmed using a two hour camcorder rental from Lenses R Us.

These commercials have one simple message. After showing some slow-moving schlock laboring at the most simplistic requirements of the occupation being pushed, he or she turns to the camera and says, with an almost embarrassed grin, “If I can do it, so can YOU.” Simple translation, “If you're breathing, there’s hope.”

One of the most amateurish commercials I’ve seen lately, is for a local school that offers certification in Crime Scene Investigation. The sixty second spot is so poorly done, and so obviously geared to the dumbest of prospective applicants, that here are a few class descriptions I’d imagine to be in their catalog, that is, if such a publication existed:

- Outlining bodies using chalk, 1A and 1B.
- Advanced body outlining: Using pastels.
- Drawbacks of trying to outline bodies found floating in pools.
- Other methods of checking for signs of life when you’ve forgotten your mirror.
- The hard cold facts of rigor mortis.
- How to dust for fingerprints on an already dusty surface.
- Advanced techniques for lifting a gun using only a pencil.
- Why you don’t fasten crime scene tape to things that move.
- The Rorschach bias in Blood Spatter analysis.
- Techniques for detecting bullet holes in Swiss cheese
- The drawbacks of trying to find shell casings using a magnet.
- The differences between blood traces, and spaghetti sauce residue.
- Lifting fingerprints using Scotch tape: Remembering to use the sticky side.
- Using household cereal to outline bodies when you don’t have chalk or masking tape.
- Footprints: How to identify right from left.
- Finding fiber evidence in a fabric store.
- Determining whether a victim is dead, or just holding his breath.

Feeling At Home In The Ninety-Nine Cent Store

Being a former teacher, I still love to go on fieldtrips every chance I get. Of course, being retired means I no longer travel there with ninety or so hyped up youngsters and their “glad to get out of the house and play teacher” parents. Neither is my present conveyance of choice a noisy, unair-conditioned bus whose diesel fumes waft through its half-opened windows and stun the senses like a cloud of vaporized Ritalin.

And these days I don’t need adult chaperones on my fieldtrips, either. I’m talking about the type who, in the first ten minutes of bus confinement with the kids, eagerly disavow they ever commented that a teacher’s job is so simple it can be done by anyone… especially them. And their identifying trait? They’re the ones asking, “Are we there yet?” every five or so minutes from the time we pulled out of the school parking lot.

Yes, these days I go on field trips alone, and always in my private automobile that neither runs on diesel, nor can accommodate more than four other passengers besides myself. And these latest trips are usually to nearby places, so that even if I can’t stand being alone with myself, I only have to endure it for ten minutes at the most .

Currently, one of my favorite fieldtrip destinations is the 99 Cent Store. And, while some of the people around me will say that’s only because I’m a downright cheapskate, my going there is about more than just saving money. In truth, it’s because I feel so absolutely comfortable and at home among the items on the shelves there.

Let me try to explain. In my mind, the 99 Cent Store is a sales outlet of last resort. It’s like a compound for all things passé, where an item’s place on the shelf is secured, in large part, by having an expiration date that is fast approaching. And everything in the 99 Cent Store shares this basic commonality. It has been declared “excess,” or “outdated,” or of “limited appeal or usefulness” by those it served so well in the past. It’s there because it has been devalued and passed on for pennies on the dollar, to make room on the shelves for something newer and more cost effective.

It seems to me that’s a lot like many older people are viewed and treated by those around them of a newer vintage. And whether it’s true or imagined, to feel perceived as basically obsolete and irrelevant quickly erodes one’s feeling of value and self-worth. So in this sense, it shouldn’t be surprising that many Seniors feel like discounted items in the “human” 99 Cent Store… granted one last dignity by being giving room on the display shelf, but one last indignity by being valued far below their actual worth.

Now, it’s not my intent to make this post a tract on how terrible it is to get old, or how mistreated Seniors are in our society. It’s more a reminder to the “young” out there, that old people were once shiny, new products of value and purpose to those around them, just like YOU are now. Their packaging was once attractive and vibrant like yours, and had no trouble catching the eye of those around them. And they were the past's “go to” folks, who commanded respect and dignity because they were at the forefront of life in their role as loving parents, steadfast bread winners, and leaders of the community.

Even more important, is the fact that being “young” makes one oblivious to how quickly the years go by. That’s something we Seniors are forced to recognize each and every day. When I write a post, for example, I glance down at the weathered hands that are working the keyboard and wonder how they came to look so foreign to me. And while they are attached to my arms, my brain can’t help but struggle to admit they’re a part of me. After all, it seems like only yesterday they looked strong and steady… wrinkle-free and fully capable of overcoming any challenge they might encounter. And these same degraded hands belonged to a person who, blinded by the invincibility of youth, never gave it much thought he would ever fall victim to the erosive effects of time. And even if that were possible, it certainly would never happen without him noticing. Wrong…!

So, despite the battle scars I bear from skirmishes with Father Time, I continue to enjoy my frequent fieldtrips to the 99 Cent Store. For it’s there I find a gentle kinship with those mercantile comrades that smile at me from their places on the shelves, as they recognize me as one of them. And in my mind I smile back… purchasing a few with the hope my simple gesture will let them know that someone still thinks they’re not only useful and needed, but of immediate value and relevance. And that's the most genuine and appreciated a thing one could do for them. For soon their expiration date will come due, and they’ll disappear from the shelf forever.

About Parent-Teacher Conferences

Over the years, I have taken a strong stand regarding the role of parents in their child’s education. And while schools and educators have received the closest scrutiny when it comes to accountability, parents, (as their child’s first and most important
teachers), must step up and assume much more responsibility for the overall educational experience of these young learners.

A good example of what I mean, is evidenced in the fact that many adults view parent-teacher conferences as a way to learn how their children are doing in school. That is absolutely backwards! Any parent that must go to school to learn how his or her child is doing, has been sleeping on the job!

There are always many weeks between grading periods. During that time a child should be bringing home a variety of documents from which a clear evaluation can be made as to his or her immediate classroom achievement. Teacher notes, daily assignments, graded tests and quizzes, as well as progress reports are just a few of the things that parents must scrutinize on a regular basis. And when these papers are not coming home, it’s a parent’s responsibility to find out why.

Right about now, most kids are at the halfway point in the school year. In some districts that means a mandatory teacher conference will be offered. If not, it is important for parents to understand that if they think one is needed, they have the right and obligation to their children, to request one. But remember… attending such a meeting without first having informally accessed how your student is doing, is like attending a barbeque without bringing the charcoal, the matches, or the hotdogs.

Here, then, are a few general tips to make your next parent-teacher conference of greater benefit to both you and your child.


At Parent-Teacher Conferences:

- Attend with a POSITIVE attitude. Consider it a WORK SESSION meant to either help your child improve, or help him continue to do well.

- If possible (especially with upper Elementary and older children), ask to have your child in attendance as part of the conference. This eliminates a great deal of wasted time over “he said, she said” issues, as well as the time needed to “report back” to the child about what the teacher said regarding his progress.

- Unless there’s a health consideration or negative home situation such as death, recent divorce, etc., don’t waste time sharing the details of your child’s life history. Through daily interaction, a good teacher can quickly figure out what makes a child tick . If they need additional information, they’ll usually ask.

- Don’t be overpowering in demeanor. The classroom is a teacher’s domain, so treat him with courtesy and respect. No one likes to be told how to do their job.

- Listen to the teacher’s full explanation of an issue before interrupting with questions, comments, or opinions. If it sounds like just a bunch of “educational jargon,” ask him to re-explain using language you fully understand.

- When clarification of issues is necessary, ask specific questions without sounding judgmental and/or accusatory. Even if you don’t get an answer that satisfies you fully, always conclude with the question, “How can WE work together to help (the child) succeed?”

- Accept teacher suggestions about what you can do at home to help your child. If it sounds like the teacher is asking you to teach school at home, however, let him know it EXCEEDS what you are reasonably willing or able to do considering other family obligations.

- When there’s a problem being discussed, Do NOT hesitate to ask the teacher questions such as: “What have YOU tried in class to solve this problem?” Or, “What will YOU be doing in class to help (the child) improve in this area?” Asked without emotion, these are more than fair questions. After all, teachers are responsible for trying to solve problems with children in the classroom, BEFORE running to parents for a solution.

- If a mutual plan is made to solve a problem, establish a time frame for it’s implementation. Schedule another conference for when that time period is over, in order to discuss the results and make modifications to the plan, if necessary.

- Be an advocate for your child, but do NOT offer excuses on his or her behalf. Sooner or later, every student must learn to be responsible for his own learning if he is going to be successful. And even in the Primary grades, it’s NOT too early to begin that task.