More From The Mighty Oak

The other night I was flipping through the channels when I came across the last of the Harry Potter movies.  Now, while I’m not a rabid fan of the series, I have seen bits and pieces of each movie on HBO.  In this final installment, the evil Lord Voldemort raids the tomb of Hogwart’s Head Master, Dumbledore, in order to steal the powerful and sought after Elder Wand.  He plans to become its true master, which would make him not only invincible, but give him immortality in the Wizarding World.

Supposedly this “Wand of Destiny” was made of wood from the elder tree, a member of the Honeysuckle family which is sacred in Magic and Witchcraft lore.   I had never actually seen its design  before, that is until it was being taken from Dumbledore’s burial vault in the movie.  For just a short moment, the camera zoomed in for a close-up of the object.  And distinctly apart from the fictional element of its magic, I was immediately overcome by it’s simplistic beauty and artistic craftsmanship.

 Now as you might know, I love objects made of wood. (See post #38, July 2011).  And oak has long been my favorite from which to fashion things.  So seeing the Elder Wand up close prompted me to go out to the workshop and give the whole wand making thing a try.  What I ended up crafting was not the Elder Wand itself, but two others that just “emerged” as the wood and I interacted.  They’re solid oak, of course, and all you have to do is feel their rugged but delicate smoothness in your hand, to know there’s magic in them somewhere.

The BS Bag Is Back !

You may have noticed that I haven’t gotten the BS Bag out for quite some time.  That could seem to indicate that either the sources of aggravation in my life have dried up, or I’m heavily sedating myself so as not to notice.  In truth, both reasons are inaccurate.  For, some time ago I decided to use this special container for only the most outrageous and disturbing stuff I encounter on my daily trek.  And, the incident that “ticked me off” had to cause a blood pressure elevation of at least 180 over 100 before committing it to writing.

Well, today I got my latest property tax bill.  Immediately I was hit with a flashback of what made my sphygmomanometer blow up last year when I tried to, (for the first time I must add), pay these taxes electronically.  And since I consider what happened then to be bullshit of the vilest vintage, I thought it good therapy to finally exhume the distasteful memory, and give it a proper burial in today's bag.

Here’s what happened.  The electronic process forewarned, that if I used a credit card to pay the tax bill, a “Convenience Fee,” (whatever that is), would be assessed and added to the total.  Now in my book, any added fee is certainly not convenient.  But sometimes one finds himself in a weaken state due to fighting the “system,” and simply not in the mood to quibble over small issues of little practical consequence.  I mean, even an unexplained amount of five or so bucks wasn’t going to sabotage my budget for the month.  So I filled in the necessary information and proceeded to the “Check Out” page.

This is where the excrement hit the fan !!  In the box that represented the so-called “Convenience Fee,” I found a number more odious and ethically immoral than I could have imagined.  For someone’s “convenience,” (certainly not MINE), they had the nerve to access a total of THIRTY-FIVE DOLLARS !!  Not only that, in red there was a disclaimer that the “convenience fee” would NOT be going to the tax assessor, but to an outside agency that processes credit card payments.

Now, I assume the “outside agency” was the credit card company, itself.  And I’m almost positive I know why they wanted to charge me $35.00 up front.  It’s because they knew the chances of them making any money on this type of transaction, were questionable at best.  It had nothing to do with “convenience” of any sort.  They anticipated that I (and others like me who might use their credit cards to pay taxes), would be paying the full balance when it was due, and NOT sending in a “minimum” payment.  So they colluded with the bureaucrats to include their service fee up front, as part of the overall tax payment.

Now, if there’s one thing I hate, it’s an opportunist. And if there’s one thing I hate even more, it’s more than one opportunist teaming up to take advantage of me.  So the combination of a taxing agency AND a credit card company in cahoots, adds up to appropriate content for anyone's B.S. bag.  In the end, of course, I didn’t end up paying my tax bill using a credit card.  For MY convenience, I sent them a check which cost me nothing.

I’m thinking that maybe when I pay this newest bill, I should seriously consider showing the assessor’s office how repulsive I find  their monetary collusion with private sector Shylocks.  It might be as simple as just boxing up and shipping them the amount of taxes I owe… all in those rolls of PENNIES I've been saving over the years.  A rough calculation tells me it would add up to about 900 POUNDS of coins they’d have to process in order to call us even.   Now for me, it certainly would be a “convenient” way to get rid of all those pennies.  And for the tax assessor and his minions, it might be a “hands on” way to learn this concept: One person’s convenience, is another person’s pain in the ass.
 

Bulge, Or Weapon Of Mass Destruction?

Much has been said about the hit-and-miss way TSA agents  choose people to pat down at airport security checkpoints.  They have had their hands all over travelers as young as toddlers, and their mitts on seniors as old as Methuselah.  They have yanked people out of wheel chairs, babies out of carriers, and removed prosthetic limbs to search spaces filled only milliseconds before by amputated stubs.

Now, I don’t know if pulling aside and patting down such non-suspicious travelers is straight out of the TSA training manual, or just blatant on-the-job exploitation of a particular fetish.  All I know is that in “profiling” terms, toddlers and crippled old folks don’t meet my criteria of hardened terrorists, or passengers that might put a flight it jeopardy… that is, unless the toddler fills a stinky diaper after takeoff, or the senior ingested cabbage soup at an airport diner just before boarding.

It's a fact that airports have spent millions of dollars on fancy machines to expose those who might want to cause terror in the skies.  But even those don’t always distinguish the good guys from the bad.  A recent case at the San Francisco Airport proves my point.  TSA agents noticed a “suspicious” bulge in the pants of a male traveler.  Not sure whether it was contraband, or just the fact he was happy to see them, they had him step into the body scanner for further inspection.  Indeed, it did show a massive bulge on his thigh.  When asked if he had a growth “down there,” he bluntly told them it was his “d_ _k.”  Caught off guard by his candid admission, the embarrassed TSA agents thanked him for his time and let him go through.

That said, if TSA agents frisk kids and geriatric grandmas, it’s my opinion they should have asked this gentleman into a secure room and told him to drop his pants.  After all, a $170,000 piece of taxpayer paid-for technology had just deemed him “suspicious.”  Why take his word that the bulge was nothing more than a long shlong?  Everyone understands how clever terrorists can be these days.  For all those TSA agents knew he could have been concealing a  hose bomb down there, or a sausage casing full of C4 explosives.  Or it might have been a condom full of deadly nerve gas ready to release at 20,000 feet, or an anesthetized snake he planned to revive and let loose on the plane.  I mean, come on……the possibilities are endless.

In airport terms, then, the truth about a suspicious “protrusion” in one’s pants should rise or fall on its merit, not the word of the person involved.  And, considering that TSA agents continue to frisk children and seniors on a regular basis, they need to deal with such bulges in a more direct and hands-on manner.  After all, embarrassment should not keep one from doing his or her job in an effective manner, especially since “embarrassment” has never stopped TSA agents from questionable searches in the past.

Finally, lest you think I feel so strongly about this issue because it is rumored that the last time I went through an airport scanner my profile generated TSA questions as to whether I had undergone a sex change operation, that would be incorrect.  There were absolutely no questions asked.  After the scan they simply waved me through with a polite, “Thank you for your cooperation, Mam.”

The Mayan Calendar and the End Of Time

It intrigues me that so much is being made of the supposed ending of the Mayan Long Count Calendar in three months.  Just because in coincides with the alignment of the sun and Milky Way galaxy for the first time in 26,000 years, “doom and gloomers,” as well as “end time” theorists are convinced that buying Christmas presents this year will be a waste of money.  After all, according to them there won’t be anyone left after December 21st to give them to.

Now, nothing is beyond the realm of possibility.  But perhaps those worrying about the issue should replace some of their emotion with objective consideration of what is actually known.  First, despite human predictions of world calamity, the calendar itself never predicted any sort of doomsday result.  And if that were not enough, the calendar really doesn’t end on December 21st, anyway.  Murals have been found in the jungles of Guatemala that extend it MANY years into the future.  Looks like Christmas shopping is on this year, after all.

Now, just for discussion, let’s say that the Mayan calendar DID end on December 21st.  Why should its abrupt conclusion be so quickly equated to deadly meteorite showers or a reversal of the Earth‘s magnetic fields?  After all, things end suddenly all the time, and usually for much simpler and less sinister reasons.  Consider these mundane possibilities:
 

-  The head Mayan calendar scribe retired, and his apprentice son decided there was more profit in making ceremonial headdresses than carrying on the traditional family business.

-  The price of mural space in caves and huts became too expensive due to inflated real estate costs, and calendar making was priced out of the market.

-  There was a sudden infestation of bark beetles that destroyed the natural material needed to make the bark-paper books in which many scribes recorded calendar data.

-  The Mayan Calendar Union went on strike for higher wages, and found out it was easier to go on unemployment insurance than to actually go back to work.

-  Mayan Calendar makers gave up their craft due to constant complaints from customers that the calendars lacked portability and couldn’t be carried in belt pouches.

-  Finally, the Mayan calendar really didn’t end as abruptly as was thought.  Those strange glyphs at the end of the text (and soon to be translated), will say the following: “etc., etc., etc.”

More “Fuzzy” Government Math

Awhile back I took a break from partying with all those hot cuties at the Senior Citizen Home, and watched two panels being questioned on C-SPAN at the “House Oversight and Government Reform Committee Hearings.”  The topic in question was the latest “Labor Department Jobs Report,” with special scrutiny on the GREEN JOBS statistics.

Now, my concept of a green job has always been centered around  employment in the fields of emerging or advanced technology.  It has included scientists and engineers working on alternative fuels, technicians that assemble and maintain solar panels and wind turbines, workers who install devices like smoke stack “scrubbers” which reduce harmful emissions, or employees that build, sell, and service electric cars.  With that mental construct in mind, then, it’s been difficult for me to fathom the government’s claim that millions of NEW green jobs were created in the past three years.
 

I guess what confused me was the term “created.”  Assuming the word’s traditional definition which is, “bringing into being: causing to exist,” it was hard to imagine that so many new jobs could be added in this stagnant economy, without noticeable improvement occurring.  Come to find out, however, that’s because Washington uses its own kind of “fuzzy” math meant to make politicians look good, while tossing traditional definitions out the window.

Based on the hearings, then, this is how those millions of “NEW” green jobs were added in this lousy economy.  Simply put, the Feds once again compiled their data using a contrived definition that suited their statistical needs.  Conveniently included with jobs in fields such as renewable fuels, alternative ecological strategies, and other high tech environmental solutions, were American workers who do the following:

Now, while one might argue that these jobs do help improve the environment, let’s get real.  None of them is NEW in any sense other than its reclassification.  Each has been around for years, just like the dishonesty of the political hacks in Washington who always seem to use laundered statistics for personal gain.
 

In my opinion, the only jobs that should have been counted in the Federal “green” employment statistics, were those newly created and highly beneficial to the environment.  (And sorry, “Guy Who Sweeps the Garage Where Propane Busses Are Housed,” yours is NOT in that category.)  Such lists should include employees of companies that manufacture appliances like… let’s say, “fart filters,” (methane flatulence traps that can be affixed below the tail of every dairy cow in the United States to reduce air pollution).  And, should other creative firms invent and start producing devices that can be strapped over the mouths of politicians to fight global warming by reducing the “hot air” they spew each time they speak, their workers should be added to the totals, as well, and deemed the most important NEW “green” jobs ever created.

Government Subsidized Porn In The Golden State

Over two years ago in July of 2010, I wrote a popular post titled, “Keep Your Fingers ‘Outa My Happy Meal.”  In it I related the decision of progressive California legislators to slim down all our chunky kids by legislating away the toys in their McDonald’s Happy Meals.  A liberal politician’s wet dream, the Happy Meal  decision was only one example of how the “Golden State” was fast becoming the “Nanny State.”  And were that not enough, another  recent northern California decision is adding the dubious distinction of us now becoming the “Ninny State,” as well.

It seems that in San Francisco, a growing number of visitors to the public library have been going there to surf for porn on the internet.  I guess it makes sense.  After all, with the state suffocating under a 16 BILLION dollar shortfall, it’s easy to understand that private citizens have had to cut back on their personal porn budgets in order to make ends meet.  And in California, (where you can turn to the government to get lots of stuff for free), looking at porn on taxpayer subsidized computers seems like the most natural thing to do.
 

Now, a reasonable person might think that the quickest solution to the library porn problem, is to simply block access to offending sites using available technology.  But remember… I’m talking about “progressive” California here, and whether something is reasonable or not usually has nothing to do with the decisions that are made.  That considered, library administrators initiated what was considered a “creative” solution that was fair to everyone.  They simply installed privacy screens around some of the computer monitors so that horny patrons could watch porn privately, out of the sight of innocent passers-by.

Speaking with a local television station, one of the librarians explained the decision this way:  “We’re always looking for any kind of elegant solution that strikes a balance between the right to privacy, and folks that want to use the library for any other intended purpose.” Now, to know why she called the solution “elegant,” one would most likely have to see the screens that were installed .  Perhaps they are beautifully painted with bucolic scenes of lusty bees pollinating seductive flowers, or decorated with industrial tableaus of oil derricks pumping rhythmically into deep well casings… who knows?  But elegant or not, being able to surf for porn on the public’s dime seems to be as obscene as what might be hidden behind those screens.

I mean, what will the San Francisco Library bureaucrats decide to allow next in their attempt to insure “free speech” for their more hormonal patrons?  How about hand lotion and boxes of Kleenex at each computer station under the guise of public health?  How about a rack of skin magazines to promote the cause of “reading?”  What about a few shelves of “Vivid Productions” hottest videos to encourage research on the craft of filmmaking?  And while kids can’t get toys in their Happy Meals at the local McDonalds, perhaps the library can start checking out sex toys to help their adult counterparts burn calories without having to go to the gym.

You see, as pathetic as it sounds, the political topography in California is strewn with SO many “slippery slopes,” just about anything is possible in the Golden State.  This time it just happens to be public libraries at the forefront of such progressive activism… that is, at least until they run out of tax dollars to buy more of those elegant privacy screens.

E-Mail: “Why Teachers Drink”

Knowing I’m a former teacher, a dear friend sent me an e-mail this week titled, “Why Teachers Drink.”  It was purported to be a selection of whacky student answers to test questions on a variety of subjects.  While I have no way to verify whether they’re authentic or just the product of some joke writers, I thought I'd pass them along and put a smile on your face.

I must admit, part of the joy of teaching for me, was that every now and then students made my day with answers on quizzes that were absolutely hilarious.  Some were unintentional, of course, but most came from bright kids that hadn’t bothered preparing for whatever test they were taking.  Perhaps feeling obligated to offer some sort of response, they concocted answers that while wildly incorrect, made you want to give them partial credit… at least for comedic brilliance.  Here are a few such examples:


Q:  What was Sir Walter Raleigh famous for?
A:  He is a noted figure in history because he invented cigarettes and started a craze for bicycles.

Q:  What did Mahatma Gandhi and Genghis Khan have in common?
A:  Unusual names.

Q:  Name one of the early Romans’ greatest achievements.
A:  Learning to speak Latin.

Q:  How does Romeo’s character develop throughout the play?
A:  It doesn’t, it’s just self, self, self, all the way through.

Q:  Name the wife of Orpheus, whom he attempted to save from the underworld.
A:  Mrs. Orpheus.

Q:  What happens during puberty to a boy?
A:  He says goodbye to his childhood, enters adultery.

Q:  What is the meaning of the word, “varicose?”
A:  Close by.

Q:  What is the highest frequency noise that a human can register?
A:  Mariah Carey.

Q:  What is a fibula?
A:  A little lie.

Q:  Joanna works in an office.  Her computer is a stand-alone system.  What is a stand-alone computer system?
A:  It doesn’t come with a chair.

Q:  What is a vibration?
A:  There are good vibrations and bad vibrations.  Good vibrations were discovered in the 1960’s.

Q:  The race of people known as Malays come from which country?
A: Malaria

Q:  Briefly explain what hard water is.
A:  Ice.   

Q:  Why would living close to a mobile phone mast cause ill health?
A:  You might walk into it.

Q:  Explain the phrase, “free press.”
A:  When your mum irons your pants for you.

Q:  Name six animals which live specifically in the Arctic?
A:  Two polar bears and four seals.

 

The Freebie Frenzy at Costco

I don’t often use public restrooms, but if I did I’d expect to see the following message etched on the dividing walls of every bathroom stall in the country:  “Want free oral gratification?  Costco will do you best.  Sample the service before you pay, no questions asked.”  And beneath that, of course, would be the address of the nearest Costco Wholesale Warehouse to which one could hurry for such diversion.

The reason I say this is because lately, my trips to Costco have been as frustrating as those to the Department of Motor Vehicles used to be before they started booking appointments.  You see, I’m an “item specific” shopper.  The contents of my refrig and food pantry hold none of the intrigue of a home version of Let’s Make A Deal’s “What’s behind door number one?”  It’s boringly similar, week after week.  My stock items are always there, unafraid they are going to be replaced by something more exotic anytime soon.

Now, being that kind of shopper means that I can get through a store in record time, that is, unless I run into things that slow me down.  So that’s my beef with Costco.  At the head of most every isle throughout the store, is stationed a minimum wage earning Senior Citizen hawking free samples of merchandise the warehouse wants to push to its patrons.  And as scores of behemoth-sized creatures and their families waddle up to graze on these freebies, their distended derrieres accumulate and block the isles for those of us who only want to shop and go home.

Of course, being one who applies keen analysis to the things in life that bug him, I have studied this freebie fiasco at length and reached a few conclusions.  First, free samples do NOT seem to result in a major increase in the amounts of these items sold. After stuffing their faces with chicken fingers and fake crab flakes, customers walk right past the display cases where they’re stored, and make their way to the next gratuitous goody.  So, other than keeping Senior Citizens out of the hair of their relatives by giving them temporary employment, and adding to the caloric intake of many individuals who should actually have their mouths wired shut, it doesn’t seem to be an effective way for Costco to sell a lot more merchandise.

Beyond that, I think Costco is unknowingly training a generation of subtly sneaky snackers that have taken the art of “getting stuff for free” to a new level.  All you have to do is watch them in action for a few moments.  There’s the “feigned interest” type that can keep the senior hostess distracted as they extend their stay at the booth by asking hard hitting questions such as, “Do these come in a box or a bag,” or “You mean you prepared these in that microwave?”  Of course, delighted that their “service” has generated any questions at all, the oldsters keep answering as the freeloader keeps stuffing his or her face for minutes on end.

Then there’s the “feed the herd” clowns that show up after having summoned and brought along every hungry relative in their zip code area.  They crowd around the geriatric Giveaway Gal and start passing samples back into the ranks of their kin just like they were Jesus feeding the multitudes.  Of course, the number of samples passed back ends up doubling or tripling the actual number of people in line, so everyone gets more than one freebie in the confusion.

Finally there’s the “orbital specialists” who circle the store making repeated stops at the senior carts each and every time they pass by.  And while I might be dreaming, I’d swear that some of them stop in remote areas of the store and change their appearances by taking off a hat, or removing a jacket, or hiking up their pants so the already forgetful senior server won’t recognize them on their second, third, and even fourth stop for free grub.

I guess if Rodney King were still around and commenting on this Costco rant, he’d play the arbitrator and say, “Can’t we all just get along ?”  And, of course, being the nice guy I am, I'd agree… but only after adding these extra words to his plea:  “Can’t we all just get along…… WITH OUR SHOPPING without having to trip over hoards of oral opportunists in the process?  I mean, come on, Costco, stick to what you do best… selling stuff.  Either that or apply for 501(c)3 status and turn your operation into a social welfare organization.  At least then, the “hungry” won’t have to buy a membership.