More “Fuzzy” Government Math

Awhile back I took a break from partying with all those hot cuties at the Senior Citizen Home, and watched two panels being questioned on C-SPAN at the “House Oversight and Government Reform Committee Hearings.”  The topic in question was the latest “Labor Department Jobs Report,” with special scrutiny on the GREEN JOBS statistics.

Now, my concept of a green job has always been centered around  employment in the fields of emerging or advanced technology.  It has included scientists and engineers working on alternative fuels, technicians that assemble and maintain solar panels and wind turbines, workers who install devices like smoke stack “scrubbers” which reduce harmful emissions, or employees that build, sell, and service electric cars.  With that mental construct in mind, then, it’s been difficult for me to fathom the government’s claim that millions of NEW green jobs were created in the past three years.
 

I guess what confused me was the term “created.”  Assuming the word’s traditional definition which is, “bringing into being: causing to exist,” it was hard to imagine that so many new jobs could be added in this stagnant economy, without noticeable improvement occurring.  Come to find out, however, that’s because Washington uses its own kind of “fuzzy” math meant to make politicians look good, while tossing traditional definitions out the window.

Based on the hearings, then, this is how those millions of “NEW” green jobs were added in this lousy economy.  Simply put, the Feds once again compiled their data using a contrived definition that suited their statistical needs.  Conveniently included with jobs in fields such as renewable fuels, alternative ecological strategies, and other high tech environmental solutions, were American workers who do the following:

Now, while one might argue that these jobs do help improve the environment, let’s get real.  None of them is NEW in any sense other than its reclassification.  Each has been around for years, just like the dishonesty of the political hacks in Washington who always seem to use laundered statistics for personal gain.
 

In my opinion, the only jobs that should have been counted in the Federal “green” employment statistics, were those newly created and highly beneficial to the environment.  (And sorry, “Guy Who Sweeps the Garage Where Propane Busses Are Housed,” yours is NOT in that category.)  Such lists should include employees of companies that manufacture appliances like… let’s say, “fart filters,” (methane flatulence traps that can be affixed below the tail of every dairy cow in the United States to reduce air pollution).  And, should other creative firms invent and start producing devices that can be strapped over the mouths of politicians to fight global warming by reducing the “hot air” they spew each time they speak, their workers should be added to the totals, as well, and deemed the most important NEW “green” jobs ever created.

Government Subsidized Porn In The Golden State

Over two years ago in July of 2010, I wrote a popular post titled, “Keep Your Fingers ‘Outa My Happy Meal.”  In it I related the decision of progressive California legislators to slim down all our chunky kids by legislating away the toys in their McDonald’s Happy Meals.  A liberal politician’s wet dream, the Happy Meal  decision was only one example of how the “Golden State” was fast becoming the “Nanny State.”  And were that not enough, another  recent northern California decision is adding the dubious distinction of us now becoming the “Ninny State,” as well.

It seems that in San Francisco, a growing number of visitors to the public library have been going there to surf for porn on the internet.  I guess it makes sense.  After all, with the state suffocating under a 16 BILLION dollar shortfall, it’s easy to understand that private citizens have had to cut back on their personal porn budgets in order to make ends meet.  And in California, (where you can turn to the government to get lots of stuff for free), looking at porn on taxpayer subsidized computers seems like the most natural thing to do.
 

Now, a reasonable person might think that the quickest solution to the library porn problem, is to simply block access to offending sites using available technology.  But remember… I’m talking about “progressive” California here, and whether something is reasonable or not usually has nothing to do with the decisions that are made.  That considered, library administrators initiated what was considered a “creative” solution that was fair to everyone.  They simply installed privacy screens around some of the computer monitors so that horny patrons could watch porn privately, out of the sight of innocent passers-by.

Speaking with a local television station, one of the librarians explained the decision this way:  “We’re always looking for any kind of elegant solution that strikes a balance between the right to privacy, and folks that want to use the library for any other intended purpose.” Now, to know why she called the solution “elegant,” one would most likely have to see the screens that were installed .  Perhaps they are beautifully painted with bucolic scenes of lusty bees pollinating seductive flowers, or decorated with industrial tableaus of oil derricks pumping rhythmically into deep well casings… who knows?  But elegant or not, being able to surf for porn on the public’s dime seems to be as obscene as what might be hidden behind those screens.

I mean, what will the San Francisco Library bureaucrats decide to allow next in their attempt to insure “free speech” for their more hormonal patrons?  How about hand lotion and boxes of Kleenex at each computer station under the guise of public health?  How about a rack of skin magazines to promote the cause of “reading?”  What about a few shelves of “Vivid Productions” hottest videos to encourage research on the craft of filmmaking?  And while kids can’t get toys in their Happy Meals at the local McDonalds, perhaps the library can start checking out sex toys to help their adult counterparts burn calories without having to go to the gym.

You see, as pathetic as it sounds, the political topography in California is strewn with SO many “slippery slopes,” just about anything is possible in the Golden State.  This time it just happens to be public libraries at the forefront of such progressive activism… that is, at least until they run out of tax dollars to buy more of those elegant privacy screens.

E-Mail: “Why Teachers Drink”

Knowing I’m a former teacher, a dear friend sent me an e-mail this week titled, “Why Teachers Drink.”  It was purported to be a selection of whacky student answers to test questions on a variety of subjects.  While I have no way to verify whether they’re authentic or just the product of some joke writers, I thought I'd pass them along and put a smile on your face.

I must admit, part of the joy of teaching for me, was that every now and then students made my day with answers on quizzes that were absolutely hilarious.  Some were unintentional, of course, but most came from bright kids that hadn’t bothered preparing for whatever test they were taking.  Perhaps feeling obligated to offer some sort of response, they concocted answers that while wildly incorrect, made you want to give them partial credit… at least for comedic brilliance.  Here are a few such examples:


Q:  What was Sir Walter Raleigh famous for?
A:  He is a noted figure in history because he invented cigarettes and started a craze for bicycles.

Q:  What did Mahatma Gandhi and Genghis Khan have in common?
A:  Unusual names.

Q:  Name one of the early Romans’ greatest achievements.
A:  Learning to speak Latin.

Q:  How does Romeo’s character develop throughout the play?
A:  It doesn’t, it’s just self, self, self, all the way through.

Q:  Name the wife of Orpheus, whom he attempted to save from the underworld.
A:  Mrs. Orpheus.

Q:  What happens during puberty to a boy?
A:  He says goodbye to his childhood, enters adultery.

Q:  What is the meaning of the word, “varicose?”
A:  Close by.

Q:  What is the highest frequency noise that a human can register?
A:  Mariah Carey.

Q:  What is a fibula?
A:  A little lie.

Q:  Joanna works in an office.  Her computer is a stand-alone system.  What is a stand-alone computer system?
A:  It doesn’t come with a chair.

Q:  What is a vibration?
A:  There are good vibrations and bad vibrations.  Good vibrations were discovered in the 1960’s.

Q:  The race of people known as Malays come from which country?
A: Malaria

Q:  Briefly explain what hard water is.
A:  Ice.   

Q:  Why would living close to a mobile phone mast cause ill health?
A:  You might walk into it.

Q:  Explain the phrase, “free press.”
A:  When your mum irons your pants for you.

Q:  Name six animals which live specifically in the Arctic?
A:  Two polar bears and four seals.

 

The Freebie Frenzy at Costco

I don’t often use public restrooms, but if I did I’d expect to see the following message etched on the dividing walls of every bathroom stall in the country:  “Want free oral gratification?  Costco will do you best.  Sample the service before you pay, no questions asked.”  And beneath that, of course, would be the address of the nearest Costco Wholesale Warehouse to which one could hurry for such diversion.

The reason I say this is because lately, my trips to Costco have been as frustrating as those to the Department of Motor Vehicles used to be before they started booking appointments.  You see, I’m an “item specific” shopper.  The contents of my refrig and food pantry hold none of the intrigue of a home version of Let’s Make A Deal’s “What’s behind door number one?”  It’s boringly similar, week after week.  My stock items are always there, unafraid they are going to be replaced by something more exotic anytime soon.

Now, being that kind of shopper means that I can get through a store in record time, that is, unless I run into things that slow me down.  So that’s my beef with Costco.  At the head of most every isle throughout the store, is stationed a minimum wage earning Senior Citizen hawking free samples of merchandise the warehouse wants to push to its patrons.  And as scores of behemoth-sized creatures and their families waddle up to graze on these freebies, their distended derrieres accumulate and block the isles for those of us who only want to shop and go home.

Of course, being one who applies keen analysis to the things in life that bug him, I have studied this freebie fiasco at length and reached a few conclusions.  First, free samples do NOT seem to result in a major increase in the amounts of these items sold. After stuffing their faces with chicken fingers and fake crab flakes, customers walk right past the display cases where they’re stored, and make their way to the next gratuitous goody.  So, other than keeping Senior Citizens out of the hair of their relatives by giving them temporary employment, and adding to the caloric intake of many individuals who should actually have their mouths wired shut, it doesn’t seem to be an effective way for Costco to sell a lot more merchandise.

Beyond that, I think Costco is unknowingly training a generation of subtly sneaky snackers that have taken the art of “getting stuff for free” to a new level.  All you have to do is watch them in action for a few moments.  There’s the “feigned interest” type that can keep the senior hostess distracted as they extend their stay at the booth by asking hard hitting questions such as, “Do these come in a box or a bag,” or “You mean you prepared these in that microwave?”  Of course, delighted that their “service” has generated any questions at all, the oldsters keep answering as the freeloader keeps stuffing his or her face for minutes on end.

Then there’s the “feed the herd” clowns that show up after having summoned and brought along every hungry relative in their zip code area.  They crowd around the geriatric Giveaway Gal and start passing samples back into the ranks of their kin just like they were Jesus feeding the multitudes.  Of course, the number of samples passed back ends up doubling or tripling the actual number of people in line, so everyone gets more than one freebie in the confusion.

Finally there’s the “orbital specialists” who circle the store making repeated stops at the senior carts each and every time they pass by.  And while I might be dreaming, I’d swear that some of them stop in remote areas of the store and change their appearances by taking off a hat, or removing a jacket, or hiking up their pants so the already forgetful senior server won’t recognize them on their second, third, and even fourth stop for free grub.

I guess if Rodney King were still around and commenting on this Costco rant, he’d play the arbitrator and say, “Can’t we all just get along ?”  And, of course, being the nice guy I am, I'd agree… but only after adding these extra words to his plea:  “Can’t we all just get along…… WITH OUR SHOPPING without having to trip over hoards of oral opportunists in the process?  I mean, come on, Costco, stick to what you do best… selling stuff.  Either that or apply for 501(c)3 status and turn your operation into a social welfare organization.  At least then, the “hungry” won’t have to buy a membership.

Some Geriatric Humor

This is just a fun post, to which I have nothing original to add.  I received it as an e-mail from some dear friends, and was delighted by the humorous but insightful manner it approached the subject of getting old.  Enjoy.

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The Importance of Walking

Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old
To spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
Home at $4,000 per month.

My grandpa started walking
Five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old
And we have no idea where the hell he is.

I like long walks,
Especially when they are taken
By people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking
Is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning,
Before my brain figures out what I'm doing...

The Importance of Exercising

I joined a health club last year,
Spent about 250 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there!

Every time I hear the dirty word “exercise,”

I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

I do have flabby thighs,

But fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day

Is so when you die, they'll say,

'Well, he looks good doesn't he?'

I know I got a lot of exercise
The last few years,......
Just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older,
Because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Every time I start thinking too much
About how I look,
I just find a pub with a Happy Hour
And by the time I leave,
I look just fine.

_________________________________________________________________

Photo Credits to: Sandi V.  www.wackywits.com
 

No Hassle Corn On The Cob

I have bad news and good news.  The bad news is that corn futures went up 40% from last month’s lows because of the  extreme drought farmers are experiencing in the Midwest.  If that wasn’t enough, when the price of corn goes up it raises food prices in general, so we’re all going to need a few extra shekels in our wallets or purses the next time we go shopping.

The good news, however, is absolutely FANTASTIC.  If you love corn on the cob, and actually have enough money left to buy a few ears when you shop, today’s post offers a breakthrough in both the speed and simplicity of its preparation.  No more pots of boiling water, or bothersome shucking and desilking after it’s cooked.  In short, what I’m going to share with you is a lazy cook’s dream come true!  And the term “lazy cook,” fits me perfectly.

Now, I know what you‘re thinking…… Italians love to eat and are usually pretty good cooks.  For me, however, only the first half of that is true.  For while I’ve probably never met a food I didn’t like… (except for raw critters from the sea)… I view cooking as an activity where the time spent working and cleaning up, is disturbingly disproportionate to the time actually spent enjoying the finished meal.  And when you’re diabetic, to boot, why do all that work when you can’t eat “respectable” quantities of the really good stuff, anyway?

 Because I’m lazy, then, corn on the cob has always fallen into my “too much of a hassle” category.  I say “has,” because last week I got an e-mail with a video link to something called “Shucking Corn With Ken,” (see below).  In it, a nice gentleman showed the easiest way to make PERFECT corn on the cob in four minutes.  And the most exciting thing about it was, that cleaning and shucking beforehand , is replaced by instant shucking afterwards.

Here’s his absolutely simple and amazing procedure:

1.  Put your unshucked ears of corn in the microwave, allowing 4 minutes of cooking time for each.
2.  When the cooking time is up, safely remove them using heat mitts to protect yourself from being burned .
3.  On a cutting board or other surface, cut through the husk at the STALK end of each ear.  Then grab the protruding silk and leaves at the opposite end, and shake or squeeze the cooked ear out.  Amazingly, it slides out clean and ready to eat… with not a trace of either husk or silk.  Now what could be easier than that?

So, thanks to Ken for this amazing and life changing video.  Because of it, corn on the cob is no longer on my “painful preparations” list… in the food category, that is.  The stuff that comes in tubes, however, remains necessary due to advancing age. 
 
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To view the “Shucking Corn With Ken” video for yourself, paste the following address into your browser:
http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=YnBF6bv4Oe4&feature=youtu.be
 

Which Word Says It Best?

Word choice has always intrigued me.  That’s why this week, a TV program brought my attention to the word “riveted.”  More than once, lawyers discussing a murder case used it in the following context:  “I was riveted by the father’s testimony,” and “I haven’t witnessed such riveting testimony in a long time.”

“Why do lawyers seem to like that word?“ I wondered.  Obviously, “riveted” was their word of choice to convey how focused they were on the courtroom testimony.  As such, I have no qualms with their selection and use of the word.  Figuratively, it describes their rapt attention to the court proceedings.  For as rivets are strong metal fasteners in the industrial world, it was apparent that the drama of what was being said, caused their attention to be tightly “fastened” on the legal proceedings.

Anyway, while “riveted” might be a barrister’s first choice, there are other words that can be used to convey the same idea of being tightly focused on something.  Consider, for example:

-  “I was glued to the testimony.”  Perhaps that’s a little too messy and infers a certain amount of time needed for drying.
-  “My attention was welded to the testimony.”  Maybe the thought of intense heat that melts steel makes this word too menacing.
- “I was nailed to the witnesses account.”  A good choice, but might infer the person was hammered.
-  “My focus was bolted to the closing arguments.”  Might seem to question one’s mental stability since it relies on a nut.
-  “For thirty minutes my attention was cemented to the proceedings.”  A little too scary in permanence… in a Jimmy Hoffa sort of way, that is.
-  “My concentration was screwed to the testimony.”  Probably too uncomfortable a word considering it is part of the description of what some lawyers do for a living.

The Idiots Among Us

There are lots of things a person can worry about these days if he chooses to do so.  Whether it’s the terrible economy and the financial pressure it‘s causing, or personal conflicts at home or in the workplace, the challenges of raising happy and well-adjusted kids, or perhaps uncertainties about one’s health, the list goes on and on.  It never seems to end.

Worrying is a debilitating activity, at best, so that’s why I consciously simplify my life in order to avoid as many mental distractions as possible.  Every now and then, however, something pops up that makes even ME start to worry.   And the latest of these reared its ugly head as I read comments left for a video posted on “You Tube,” one in which the sinking scene in the movie, “Titanic” was edited to play backwards.

The project was done by an aspiring film student.  Like any movie that’s played in reverse, it was an dramatic exercise in visual absurdity.  The huge ship rising from the water in pieces, along with its passengers and crew seeming to “rise” back up onto its decks, was a truly surreal experience.  But that’s not what got me worrying.  I mean, in seventy long years I’ve done lots of things backwards, so I’m more than used to it by now.  What sent chills up my spine was the number of “whacked” comments left by viewers of the video.  Not only were they stupid and indicative of minimal mental function, they were written using language and spelling not worthy of my First Grade students.

Now, I neither consider myself a mental giant, nor academic snob.  I’m just an old codger that appreciates clear thinking, the ability to communicate, and a non-embarrassing level of literacy when dealing with others.  In my opinion, then, these written comments displayed NONE of the aforementioned traits, and that’s why I’m worried.  For looking beyond the confines of my cloistered world, I find the horizon littered with hoards of human numbskulls!

Here are some of the comments left for the video, “Titanic Sinking In Reverse.”  I present them to you, unedited:

-  “i knew you could fall upwards”
-  “thes peple must love bouncing”
-  “its good but it’s not real life”
-  “It would be a miracle if this happened to the titanic thumbs up to agree”
-  “Did that just really happen? O_o”
-  “maybe the electricity ran out? and the man put it on and it come out of water”
-  “the titanic sank in real life these are actors”
-  “a oficer shoott his self”
-  “… what happened?”

-  “I think Yodas doing this”
-  “yeah, reverse titanic makes sense, but reverse twilight we get nothing!”
-  “i was most excited to see the guy that hits the propeller when he falls rise back up and hit it again…”
-  “My grama’s uncle was one it”
-  “i want this to happen”
-  “this is somewhat hilariouse”
-  “that stupid iceburg had to be in the way”

Are you freaking kidding me????  Are there that many slow-witted illiterates watching videos these days?  As an educator, if any of these respondents were former students of mine, I’d promptly go out in the backyard and hang myself from the peak of my workshop roof.  And maybe… just for ironic impact, I’d get someone to video the whole thing, then edit it to run backwards so I can “come back to life.” Then I can read the comments left about me, and start worrying all over again.