Fortune Cookie Messages For Pessimists

Back in June of 2011, I wrote a piece about how most fortune cookie messages were little more than a mental massage after a good Oriental meal.  With times as difficult as they are, then, and with so many people negative about life in general, here are a few more I’ve altered by adding a short phrase (in blue), that seems to more honestly reflect the thoughts of those among us who are disgusted, a little grouchy, and definitely pessimistic about the times:

- Today is a lucky day for those who remain cheerful and optimistic, and those who aren't stuck having to be around them.

- You were born with the skill to communicate with people easily, especially those highly susceptible to believing bullshit.

- The first step to better times is to imagine them, then be honest enough to admit that mirages aren’t real.

- Your happiness is intertwined with your outlook on life, so let’s admit you’re pretty much screwed.

- The secret of getting ahead is getting started, then lying and cheating your way to the top.

- Don’t wait for your ship to come in, swim out to it… and drown like the dead weight you‘ve always been.

-  Accept something you can not change, and you will feel better… while it’s ruining your life.

- Make two grins grow where there was only a grouch before, and you’ll have a grouch that looks like a sideshow freak.

- You are talented in many ways… that have absolutely no impact on either reality, or the improvement of your life.

- Any rough times are behind you, as distinguished by the scars on your ass from all your bogus past efforts.

- You should be able to undertake and complete anything… that someone else started and made successful without you.

- There is yet time enough for you to take a different path, even though you’ll remain lost and ultimately die alone in the wilderness.

- An unexpected acquaintance will resurface, most likely because you didn’t bury him deep enough.

- The smart thing is to prepare for the unexpected… tragedy that always happens when things start going good.

- Decide what you want and go for it, with all the stealth, cunning, and dishonesty you can muster.

- If you continually give, you will continually have… little or nothing to show for it, plus the nickname, “Sucker.”

- Keep in close touch with what your competition is doing, then steal his best ideas and take the credit.

- The skills you have gathered will one day come in handy, assisting your family in writing you a halfway interesting obituary.

- It is much wiser to take advice than to give it... and find out you don't have a clue about how to solve life's problems.

- When you speak honestly and openly, others truly listen to you, then go out to the parking lot and laugh their asses off about your naïve sincerity.

- The hard times will begin to fade, joy will take their place… when the heart monitor flat lines and they pull the sheet over your head.