Deer Me… Another California Study

Besides the scores of crises that California already has, another has reared its ugly head (and antlers).  Researchers are spending three hundred thousand dollars to determine why deer are getting killed crossing Interstate 280 in the Bay Area.  At the time the news article was published, Department of Fish and Game officials had astutely isolated the main cause for these freeway tragedies.  Duh…… the deer are getting hit by speeding cars!

According to officials, the carnage seems to have a distinctive pattern.  “We’re trying to understand why some deer don’t make it to the other side,” one said.  “It seems older deer are generally successful in making it across the freeway.  The highway slaughter typically involves younger animals.”  Speculating what might be done to solve the problem, present ideas include building wildlife tunnels under the freeway, or installing deer-proof fencing along certain portions of the road.

Now, doing research is something I love.  Learning about this funded study, then, I figured perhaps I could help out the Department of Fish and Game (plus the deer community and my bank account), by subcontracting to come up with insights and solutions to the problem.  So while I’m waiting for Sacramento to get back to me regarding my five thousand dollar proposal, I’ll let you in on some of my preliminary findings.

1.  Young deer have shorter legs than older ones.  As I know personally, shorter legs mean you can’t run as fast.  If you can’t run as fast, faster objects usually beat you to any given point… especially on highways.  Cars are faster than deer.  So legislation should be considered restricting deer from crossing roads until they are at least 21 years of age (in deer years), or 36 inches tall at the shoulders.

2.  “Deer Crossing” signs seem to give these young animals a false sense of security.  In this entitlement society, if you’re important enough to have your own sign, you certainly feel that sign should protect you.  This, of course, is a fatal assumption.   It is well known, that California motorists have a difficult time reading signs at 80 mph, or concentrating on the road while texting and eating their In-N-Out burgers at the same time.

3.  There appears to be too little collaboration between deer and chicken.  After decades of “crossing the road” in jokes and such, few if any chickens have ever been documented as killed or maimed, and their legs are far shorter than those of even the youngest deer.   With more understanding of their crossing techniques, then, the Bambi Brigade might substantially reduce their highway tragedies by adopting such foul, time tested, road-crossing strategies.

4.  It is said that deer have dichromatic (two-color) vision that poorly distinguishes the colors orange and red.  If this is true,  cars painted these two colors should be permanently banned from using Interstate 280 under any circumstances.

5.  Most deer cross the road in order to find a better selection of vegetation to eat.  This being the case, the Department of Fish and Game should carpet bomb one side of the highway with surplus Agent Orange defoliant, thus eliminating any need for them to cross in the first place.

6.  Finally, the cost of this safety research may simply be a colossal waste of taxpayer money.  My investigation has seemed to uncover that deer may not  be the brightest gang in the glen.  This was evident when I interviewed a juvenile I found pacing nervously on the shoulder of a deserted section of Interstate 280.  Here’s a partial transcript of our exchange:

Me:  I’ve been watching you for over twenty minutes, now, and you haven’t tried crossing the road.  Why not?
Deer:  Duh, I’m waiting to see if any cars are coming.

Me:  Have you ever had any close calls crossing the highway?
Deer:  No, cell phone reception is pretty crappy in this part of the state.

Me: Why do you think the "deer crossing" signs have not improved safety?
Deer: They have. None of us have ever been hit by other deer crossing the road, just those damn cars.

Me: Do you look both ways before you cross?
Deer: No, I look just about the same as I do now.

So there you have it.  California spending more taxpayer money to rescue a species that perhaps would be better served by the leveling effect of natural selection.  Of course, considered all the other money this state wastes, at least this time the Sacramento Stupidos can dupe the taxpaying public by saying they’re trying to save us a buck here and there, and lots of doe, as well.