Preparations For The New Year

I didn’t plan to make any New Year’s resolutions this year, but a couple of reoccurring TV commercials have made me change my mind. Offering alarming statistics about what will happen in 2012, I thought it prudent to air on the side of caution by heeding their warnings. After all, I might be old, but I’m not stupid.

The first ad said that one out of three Seniors will fall and injure themselves in the coming year. So, to insure I’m not part of that statistic, I plan to be proactive and attach seat belts to my computer chair, my bed, and the couch, as well. I am also putting reflective tape on the thresholds of every doorway to the outside. And finally, I’m ordering a truck inner tube I will inflate and begin wearing around my waist whenever I ambulate. I might even paint it the same color as the bike helmet I'm going to start wearing 24/7.

The other commercial claims that one out of six people will get food poisoning in the New Year. For that reason I am going to advertise for, and hire a Food Taster in 2012. And if I can’t find anyone who needs the work, I’ll buy a pet with a delicate digestive track. If that fails, I’ll only eat when I feel like I’m going to faint, or after I regain consciousness from doing so.

Of course, I won’t have to keep these safety precautions in place the entire year. On December 23 the Mayan Calendar runs out, and the world’s going to end, anyway. At least that guarantees I won’t fall down while Christmas shopping at the mall, or get sick eating tainted holiday pizzelles.

HAPPY NEW YEAR !!