My Theory On How They Found Osama Bin Laden

When Osama Bin Laden was killed by Seal Team Six last May, his secret compound was said to have been located by CIA operatives who painstakingly pieced together bits of obscure information from around the world. While we may never definitively known if that is true, such a claim, (if verified), would constitute the first successful thing the government has accomplished in recent history. So, considering its dismal failure in most everything else, I’m convinced that Bin Laden was actually unearthed by the Facebook Search Engine, not some Federal Black Ops organization.

I picture it being so lonely there in Pakistan, that Osama opened a Facebook account to pass the time between making attack plans, praying five times a day, and perhaps watching porn videos. Then, using a misleading moniker like “Ben Laudenstein,” he began a quest to locate seventy-two virgins with whom he could establish a friendship ahead of time. And that is what eventually blew his cover. Before long, he began popping up on that automatically generated list called, “People You May Know.”

Now, think twice before you mock my theory. The Facebook Search Engine has deadly reach, something I know first hand. For while you can’t even find me on the site, whenever I log in and it says, “Welcome to Facebook, Paisano,” a list of people I know mysteriously appears on the page. Some of them are so far out of my past, I haven’t communicated with or even thought about them for years. It’s downright SPOOKY ! How in the hell does Facebook make a connection between me and these people? And how is this very accurate list generated for an “invisible” like me, who surreptitiously spends less than ten minutes per month as a lurker?

Everything said, I‘m convinced that Osama Bin Laden ended up taking two bullets simply because he succumbed to one of our most popular Infidel vices called “social networking.” And quietly without fanfare (or one penny of our hard earned tax dollars), the Facebook search algorithm became America's newest and most effective weapon in the War On Terror.