The Attack On Childhood By Frito-Lay

Looks like the Nannycrats are at it again.  Here in California, some Pasadena administrators have banned Flamin’ Hot Cheetos on their school campuses.  If found on the person of any student, the contraband snack will be confiscated, even if it was part of a lunch that was brought from home.

Many of the reasons for the ban are based on perceived health implications, like Cheetos being a junk food with no nutritional value, and containing too much fat and salt to be anything but a hazard to the kids that eat them.  And the ban campaign, gaining traction in two other states, is being nobly characterized as yet another battle in the fight against child obesity.

There are other reasons that bureaucrats want to eliminate these Chastised Cheese Puffs.  They include the allegation that when students share them with friends, they pass on germs which can make others sick.  It also seems that the bright red food coloring that visually distinguishes this scorned snack, is a burden on custodians who are purported to spend extra time and effort cleaning up tell-tale fingerprints all over school campuses.

Finally, a far more sinister reason has been advanced regarding the subject.  In an almost conspiratorial indictment of the processed food industry, some “experts” say that Flamin’ Hot Cheetos are manufactured to be addictive to those who eat them.  Labeled a “hyperpalatability” food, its carefully calibrated fat, sugar, and salt content is said to trigger the brain’s reward system causing eaters to crave and consume more and more in an almost  addictive manner.  In essence, then, the charge is that our kids are being turned into junk food addicts by big business.

Obviously, this whole ban issue is emotionally changed with a host of supporters on either side.  My opinion, however, has not changed since I wrote, “Keep Your Fingers Outa My Happy Meal,” in July 2010.  If schools don’t want Flamin’ Hot Cheetos on campus, a good start would be to take them out of their cafeteria vending machines.  As far as kids bringing them in their lunches, that’s a PARENTAL decision about which bureaucrats should have no say.  Instead of acting heavy-handedly, they should  inform, educate, and encourage parents to eliminate such food from their kid’s diets, and not presume that being a Nannycrat trumps being a parent.

Finally, to anyone who disagrees with me about this issue, I understand your concern that if the Flamin’ Hot Cheeto “epidemic” continues unchecked, frightening newspaper headlines may become the inevitable result.  God forbid we would have to read anything like the following:

 -  Brisk Underground Hot Cheeto Trafficking Suspected in District Elementary Schools

-  Individual Stashes of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos Found In Scores Of Hollowed-Out Middle School Dictionaries

-  Flamin’ Hot Cheetos Exonerated: Study Reveals Germ Passing A Result of French Kissing Behind Middle School Buildings

-  Teacher Fired After Bribing Students To Pass State Test With Reward of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos

-  Fire In School Dumpster Blamed On Flamin’ Hot Cheetos

-  Supreme Court Rules That Student Cavity Searches For Outlawed Hot Cheetos Are Unconstitutional

-  Area Rehab Centers Overwhelmed With Influx Of Juvenile Flamin’ Hot Cheeto Addicts

-  Local Second Graders Overdose on Flamin’ Hot Cheetos:  Remain In Frito-Lay Wing of Urban Trauma Center

-  Red Stool Sample Of High School Student Proves To Be The Result Of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos, Not Hemorrhoids

-  School Graffiti Cold Case Solved After Analysis of Flamin’ Hot Cheeto Fingerprints

-  District Drug Sniffing Dog Discovers Cache of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos In School Lockers, Misses Kilo of Marijuana

-  High School Students Caught Smoking Flamin’ Hot Cheetos In Gymnasium Restroom

-  School Board Upholds Rule That Wearing, “Give Me Flamin’ Hot Cheetos Or Give Me Death,” T-Shirts Is Forbidden On School Campuses

-  School District Removes Flamin’ Hot Cheetos From Vending Machines:  Loses 80% of Educational Revenue

-  Elementary Students Caught Snorting Hot Cheeto Residue Through Cafeteria Straws

-  Sixth Grader Becomes Sick After Ingesting Counterfeit Bag Of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos

-  Eight Year Old Student Arrested As Kingpin Of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos Distribution Ring

-  Child Protective Services Presses Charges Against Hundreds Of Parents For Allowing Students To Eat Flamin’ Hot Cheetos

-  Paramedics Extract Flamin’ Hot Cheeto From Kindergartener’s Nasal Passage

-  Despite Financial Deficit, School District Spends Thousands From General Fund To Post New Signs At Local Schools That State, “This Is A Smoke-free, Drug-free, Flamin’ Hot Cheeto-free Campus”