Lately I’ve been transcribing various pieces of my writing that were collecting dust in old folders, languishing on vintage floppies from long-gone days at school, and hiding in overlooked crevices around the house. For some reason, I thought it might be nice to print them out, and put them in folders for either my own reverie, or for public viewing in the lavish memorial library that I’m sure someone will build in my honor after I’m gone.
Anyway, as I was proceeding I found two letters that I wrote and gave to the students and staff on my final day in the classroom. Not surprisingly, reading them brought back a flood of memories, and as always… great emotion. Without question, that last day of school was one of the toughest of my life, at least, to date. And I found that trying to express my deepest thoughts and feelings to those looking in, was almost an impossible task.
Today I include those letters here. Perhaps it’s not the most interesting subject for a Blog post, but I did so as a small glimpse into what makes this older man tick. And, every once and awhile, it’s good for me to look back and remember how blessed I was to have spent so many years among the kids.
This is the letter I gave my First and Second Grade students on our last day together: June 2004Dear Class, Thank you again for being such wonderful young boys and girls. I have loved being your teacher this year, and will miss the smiles and laughter that we shared each day in our classroom. Even though I will not be back next year as a regular teacher, my thoughts will be with you each day. I know each of you will remember all the things we’ve talked about this year. The most important of these is that you are a wonderful, special person ... unique in all the world. Without you and the important things that you will accomplish in your life, the world would suffer a great loss. Also, you have the power to make the people around you better by sharing your love and special talents. I know you will always do that. You have with me this year, and I am a better person thanks to you. After some time off, I hope to see you all again. Until then, if you want to contact me, I leave you these addresses: You can write to me here: (Contact Information) Please take good care of yourselves, and keep smiling ... :) :) I leave you with my love, and will keep you in my heart, always. Mr. (Paisano)And this is the letter I left for each staff member: June 2004Dear Friends, Today I locked my classroom door for the final time. As most of you have sensed, it was one of the most difficult days in my life. Saying good-bye to the kids was impossible, even though I did my best. We hugged, we cried, and despite my attempts at gentle humor, our hearts were unbearably sad.
Thank you for your support during this past month. Thanks, also, for honoring my request to keep news of the occasion from the kids and their parents until these last days and hours. Despite the emotional hit, it meant a lot to me to be able to tell them personally. I owed them that. To those of you who wanted to honor my departure with some type of public recognition, I apologize if you feel cheated due to my wishes. I know such occasions are a way of expressing affection and honor, thus I thank you for wanting to do it at all. It just couldn’t have been a happy occasion for me, and I would not have wanted my demeanor to disrespect your wonderful intent. Maybe in a couple of months we can get together off campus and hoist one to the “good old days.” So saying, should you still feel the need to “do something,” I would ask you to consider writing me a short personal note when you get the chance. You know we teachers .... a few kind words are more precious than gold. Let me leave you, temporarily, with something to ponder. It is an insight that explains, at least for me, why I’ve loved teaching children all these years, and why I am so sad in leaving. At a recent party for a former colleague, the word got out that I had only a few days left in the classroom. A sincere and well-meaning acquaintance came up to me and said, “Friend, you can be proud of all that you’ve given so many kids over the years.” Instinctively I smiled, and with a twinkle in my eye, said, “Nah, those kids have given me far more over the years than I ever gave them.” I challenge you to test this theory. I commend you for doing God’s work. I value you as colleagues and unsung heroes. I will miss you! With great affection, (Paisano)
This week I detoured into an Asian take-out restaurant on my way home from driving around aimlessly seeking a location for which the phonebook vouched, but even my GPS wouldn’t admit existed. Of course, I ordered my favorite four item combo which included fried rice, chow mein noodles, beef broccoli, and teriyaki chicken. As always, the nice Mamasan didn’t skimp on the portions, and I ended up walking out with about two pounds of food for a mere $6.14 including tax. Not only that, she threw in three napkins, a plastic fork, a reusable segmented Styrofoam hot food container, an individually wrapped fortune cookie, and a cheerful and sincere, “Tank you beddy much” as part of the deal.
(BEGIN EDITORIAL COMMENT: How the Chinese continue to undercut American prices is nothing short of amazing. Had I spent the same amount of money next door at the pizza place, they would have given me about half of a twelve inch, one-topping pie, and probably put it in a brown paper bag in order to save the cost of one of their cardboard boxes. Were I to have spent $6.14 at the Italian restaurant up the street, I would have gotten about six forkfuls of spaghetti, one ping pong ball-sized meatball, and a half slice of garlic bread… plus, I probably would have had to put it in my own container and supply my own grated cheese and extra sauce once I got home. And face it, neither of these two places would have given me a fortune cookie to top off the meal. END OF EDITORIAL COMMENT.)
So I went home and ate myself into a stupor, not caring whether my condition was a result of eating too much, or purely MSG poisoning. And when I was done, I unwrapped the fortune cookie with anticipation, and broke it in half to expose the text printed just for me. This is what it said: “Your travels will be productive, and lead to new opportunities.” I thought about it for a moment, then it hit me. Fortune cookie messages are a bunch of crap, with no relationship to everyday reality. After all, I had just used eight dollars worth of gas and at least sixty minutes of my remaining life span traveling to a store that didn’t even exist. And, the only thing it led me to was the opportunity to buy a Chinese dinner on which I hadn’t really planned, plus receive a bullshit fortune cookie message that rubbed my nose in the whole afternoon fiasco.
Based on this experience, then, from today on I’m launching a campaign to reform fortune cookie messages so that they TELL THE TRUTH ! No more optimistic platitudes that make you expect something fantastic is going to happen, and no more suggestions that you’re going to be a bigger shot than you already are. No more embellishments about your wit, your personality, or your overall worth and/or importance to those around you, and no exaggerations about your astounding impact on the world at large. From today forward, fortune cookies must tell it like it is!
So, here are some examples of traditional fortune cookie messages which I’ve altered by adding a short phrase (in blue) which cuts through the verbal bologna, and makes them reflect glimpses of the real world in which we live.
- Your love life will be happy and harmonious, at least until you get married.
- Your hard work will pay off today, but only if you rob a bank or a convenience store.
- Your biggest virtue is your modesty, and the way you brag about it all the time.
- You will become more and more wealthy, after your kids leave home.
- You should be able to undertake and complete anything, as long as it comes with diagrams and simple written directions.
- You have yearning for perfection, but only in those around you.
- Romance moves you in a new direction, but it’s mostly downhill or to the rear.
- Listen to everyone. Ideas come from everywhere, just like flatulence in a crowd leaving Taco Bell.
- He who knows he has enough, is rich in the skill of underestimation.
- It takes courage to admit fault, but even more courage to live on a fault.
- Don’t worry; prosperity will knock on your door soon, or more likely some Jehovah’s Witnesses.
- Every wise man starts out by asking many questions about where he can rent a camel.
- How you look depends on where you go, so visiting the blind should work in your favor.
- Good to begin well, better to end well, and dangerous to jump into a well. Oh, well…
- Don’t let your limitations overshadow your talents, even though in your case the ratio is ten thousand to one .
- Your ability to juggle many tasks will take you far, as long as you join a traveling circus.
- Hard words break no bones, fine words butter no parsnips, whatever the hell that means…?
- The sure way to predict the future is to invent it, just like you do everything else in your life.
- You will always have good luck in your personal affairs, that is, until your mistress’ husband catches your adulterous asses.
- You have an active mind and keen imagination, so do something novel by facing reality for a change.
- You are in good hands this evening, even though you most likely had to pay for them.
- People find it difficult to resist your persuasive manner, and the fact you can beat them up.
- You are going to have some new clothes stolen from your luggage at the airport.
- You are busy, but you are happy that it gives you time away from your wife and/or girlfriend.
- You are open-minded and quick to make new friends who absolutely agree with you on every point.
- Many will travel to hear you speak, and many will regret having made the trip.
- You are working hard to avoid getting something done.
- You have an ambitious nature and may make a name for yourself, if you ever decide to get off your fat ass.
- You have the power to write your own fortune, SO WHY IN THE HELL ARE YOU READING THIS ONE?
Lately I’ve been transcribing various pieces of my writing that were collecting dust in old folders, languishing on vintage floppies from long-gone days at school, and hiding in overlooked crevices around the house. For some reason, I thought it might be nice to print them out, and put them in folders for either my own reverie, or for public viewing in the lavish memorial library that I’m sure someone will build in my honor after I’m gone.
