Chopping Away At Bad Word Choice

As a lover of words, I understand I’m probably oversensitive to the level of bad language one hears these days as humans try to communicate with each other. No, I’m not talking about what might seem obvious… the use of obscene or vulgar vocabulary so common today. I’m not even talking about the new script so much a part of the texting and tweeting scene, you know… that veritable mish-mash of fractured sentences and abbreviated word snippets that still make old-school lexophiles like me cringe.

No, I’m talking about a specific linguistic travesty that desecrates our ears more and more these days. And it’s become so common that most people no longer even flinch when it’s bandied about in everyday conversation. What’s more, it’s been insulated from ridicule by people who push the theory it has “ethnic” roots, thus is culturally valid and off limits to those who might want to label it as a sign of illiteracy. And even teachers have avoided facing it head on, mainly because it’s not on the year-end standardized test, and would constitute a waste of precious “test prep” time trying to correct in their students. Shame on them!

Anyway, this rant was ignited by a “so called” educated young lady’s appearance on a recent television program. Two minutes into the interview, the following sentence came out of her mouth: “It’s something everyone should AX before they apply.” AX??? How in the hell could anyone use this word to replace the verb “ask,” then sit there smugly beaming about her prestigious college education, and the “cream of the crop” sorority in which she held elected office?

I guess it’s a sign of the times. We live in an era where picky issues like incorrect word usage, and the slow degradation of our rich language, in general, seems unimportant in the overall scheme of things. And to make it worse, rather than fight back and rail against such verbal contaminants, the “sell out” choice of most people is to quietly acquiesce, then end up embracing the anomaly as our new truth.

I especially take strong issue with those who say the substitution of “ax” for “ask” is an impossible habit to break. My disagreement stems from the fact that I have actually gotten kids in the classroom to correct this blatant error in their everyday speech. Of course, it wasn’t accomplished by me teaching brilliant lessons on the basic use of the correct English. And it wasn’t snuffed out by me nagging them whenever the word “ax” came out of their mouths in error. It was taught using tongue-in-cheek humor, one of the most effective teaching weapons a good teacher can wield.

For example, if a child came up to me and said, “Can I “ax” you something, Mr. Paisano?” my response might be, “Sure, but you‘re going to have to clean up all the mess after I stop bleeding.” Initially, of course, I’d clarify my comment by reminding him that an “ax” was a sharp, long handled tool meant to chop things down rather than “ask” about them. But from then on, every time the mistake was made I’d come back with a similarly wacky response made up on the spur of the moment.

If I was told that someone “axed” him something, I would look concerned and say, “Are you badly cut? I’d be glad to send you down to the nurse so she can bandage you up.” Or I’d say, “You know, he could get in big trouble bringing a dangerous weapon like that to school.“ With relentless hard headedness, then, I painted the mental picture of an ax being a tool to inflict serious bodily injury, and a word used to describe interaction with a tree, not other human beings.

On the few occasions I was caught off guard and unable to instantly come up with a new “ax” response, I turned to Drama as my teaching tool of choice. The moment the offending word was uttered, I’d slowly back away from the student with a look of terror on my face. And if a chair was nearby, I might even pull it between myself and the student as if needing it for protection. This non-verbal shtick worked just as effectively in getting my linguistic point across. Not only that, it got quite a few laughs from those in the peanut gallery.

Anyway, over time these techniques worked. Students began stopping themselves before “ax” popped out of their mouths and chopped away at my verbal sensibilities for the day. And, with a sheepish smile, they proudly inserted the word “ask” where it belonged in the sentence… a simple correction that made my heart glad. For now there was a good chance that years hence, those students would not be excluded from an important job interview or opportunity for advancement, simply because they sounded uneducated and from the wrong side of the tracks.

You Cannot Multiply Wealth By Dividing It

It looks like one campaign “theme” in the upcoming election, will be that the wealthy are to blame for every woe and misfortune suffered by the under classes here in America. And the charge will be trumpeted that these rich need to pay “their fair share,” (whatever that means), so the poor can be elevated to a level of economic security to which they are somehow entitled. Only then can the country begin healing from the financial wounds inflicted upon it by those opportunistic capitalists of the evil one percent.

Now, I grew up in a family that was relatively poor…… but only in a financial sense. In truth, we and our neighbors were a proud band of citizens whose motivation to improve our status was evident on a daily basis. And over many years, it happened. Most of us worked our way up to solid Middle Class status, or better… mostly because of our determination to use the talents, abilities, personal attitudes, and work ethics we were taught from childhood.

Interestingly, I don’t remember wasting much time resenting those with more money than myself, or categorizing them as greedy individuals that were bad for the country. Instead, I saw them as a resource for jobs that moved me up the financial ladder. And these “well to do” were not only of practical benefit in an employment sense, but a clear example of how unlimited the possibilities were for someone like me, to achieve upward financial and social mobility.

Now, while I don’t know how this “class warfare” theme will resonate with voters in the 2012 elections, I am certain about my take on the issue. And, whenever there’s someone who can explain my point of view better than I can myself, I share what he or she has opined with anyone who will listen. Obviously, this takes less time away from my always strenuous Senior schedule, and offers a scent of creditability to subject matter that my own style of writing often renders odorless.

So, I introduce to you Dr. Adrian Rogers, an Evangelical minister who was not bashful when it came to mixing politics with religion. And in a 1984 sermon he said the following regarding the destructive nature of class warfare, and the foolishness of using wealth redistribution in order to strengthen a sovereign nation:

"Friend, you cannot legislate the poor into freedom by legislating the wealthy out of freedom. And what one person receives without working for, another person must work for without receiving. The government can't give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody. And when half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work because the other half's going to take care of them, and when the other half gets the idea it does no good to work because somebody's going to get what I work for. That, dear friend, is about the end of any nation."

I couldn’t have said it better. And these insightful words from the pulpit (which were later posted in the Congressional Record on January 24, 2009), should constitute a stark warning to the policy makers of this country. To me, it’s more than the ideology of one political party or another. It’s even more than partisan theory that can be backed up with conclusive research that proves it either true or false. To me, it’s just plain common sense.

In my years as a teacher, the issue of how much help to offer children as they learned new things, seems to absolutely parallel the truth of what Dr. Rogers said. There was always a fine line between giving kids the tools and support they needed to solve learning problems on their own, and doing too much for them so that they became dependent on YOU for any progress made. And when the latter occurred, success was usually temporary. For over time, those who knew their teacher would sooner or later give them all the right answers, learned to sit back and wait for that to happen. Uninterested in doing the work needed to become achievers, they became intellectual “takers” who accomplished little on their own unless it was being spoon-fed to them by those who had the knowledge.

It was a classic play-out of that Chinese proverb that says, “If you give a man a fish, you feed him for a day. If you teach a man to fish, you feed him for a lifetime.” Kids who refused to take responsibility for their learning, were only successful when others helped them think and apply new concepts. Those that embraced how to learn by applying their abilities to new tasks after appropriate teaching and practice, always ended up as the best students.

So, on the basis of common sense alone, I believe that Dr. Rogers was correct. Convincing people that taking from the rich to give to the poor is good fiscal policy, is a cruel hoax that will NOT solve the economic problems this country faces, even temporarily. And while many of our current lawmakers would love to engender political popularity by dressing up as Robin Hood and reenacting his larcenous adventures in Sherwood Forest, it’s obvious by doing so, they’re not smart enough to see the forest for the trees.

Success Is Only A Signup Away !

Around here, almost every daytime television program is sponsored by a trade school of some sort. Each day they cast a wide net trying to snag those who are sprawled on their couches dreaming of a lucrative career in something, but have done little (including graduating from High School) to make that dream a reality.

What’s striking, aside from the type of clientele to whom these pitches are targeted, is how low budget some of the commercials appear to be. It seems they are done using volunteer students borrowed from a remedial reading class, using a script written by a former ad agency trainee, and filmed using a two hour camcorder rental from Lenses R Us.

These commercials have one simple message. After showing some slow-moving schlock laboring at the most simplistic requirements of the occupation being pushed, he or she turns to the camera and says, with an almost embarrassed grin, “If I can do it, so can YOU.” Simple translation, “If you're breathing, there’s hope.”

One of the most amateurish commercials I’ve seen lately, is for a local school that offers certification in Crime Scene Investigation. The sixty second spot is so poorly done, and so obviously geared to the dumbest of prospective applicants, that here are a few class descriptions I’d imagine to be in their catalog, that is, if such a publication existed:

- Outlining bodies using chalk, 1A and 1B.
- Advanced body outlining: Using pastels.
- Drawbacks of trying to outline bodies found floating in pools.
- Other methods of checking for signs of life when you’ve forgotten your mirror.
- The hard cold facts of rigor mortis.
- How to dust for fingerprints on an already dusty surface.
- Advanced techniques for lifting a gun using only a pencil.
- Why you don’t fasten crime scene tape to things that move.
- The Rorschach bias in Blood Spatter analysis.
- Techniques for detecting bullet holes in Swiss cheese
- The drawbacks of trying to find shell casings using a magnet.
- The differences between blood traces, and spaghetti sauce residue.
- Lifting fingerprints using Scotch tape: Remembering to use the sticky side.
- Using household cereal to outline bodies when you don’t have chalk or masking tape.
- Footprints: How to identify right from left.
- Finding fiber evidence in a fabric store.
- Determining whether a victim is dead, or just holding his breath.

Feeling At Home In The Ninety-Nine Cent Store

Being a former teacher, I still love to go on fieldtrips every chance I get. Of course, being retired means I no longer travel there with ninety or so hyped up youngsters and their “glad to get out of the house and play teacher” parents. Neither is my present conveyance of choice a noisy, unair-conditioned bus whose diesel fumes waft through its half-opened windows and stun the senses like a cloud of vaporized Ritalin.

And these days I don’t need adult chaperones on my fieldtrips, either. I’m talking about the type who, in the first ten minutes of bus confinement with the kids, eagerly disavow they ever commented that a teacher’s job is so simple it can be done by anyone… especially them. And their identifying trait? They’re the ones asking, “Are we there yet?” every five or so minutes from the time we pulled out of the school parking lot.

Yes, these days I go on field trips alone, and always in my private automobile that neither runs on diesel, nor can accommodate more than four other passengers besides myself. And these latest trips are usually to nearby places, so that even if I can’t stand being alone with myself, I only have to endure it for ten minutes at the most .

Currently, one of my favorite fieldtrip destinations is the 99 Cent Store. And, while some of the people around me will say that’s only because I’m a downright cheapskate, my going there is about more than just saving money. In truth, it’s because I feel so absolutely comfortable and at home among the items on the shelves there.

Let me try to explain. In my mind, the 99 Cent Store is a sales outlet of last resort. It’s like a compound for all things passé, where an item’s place on the shelf is secured, in large part, by having an expiration date that is fast approaching. And everything in the 99 Cent Store shares this basic commonality. It has been declared “excess,” or “outdated,” or of “limited appeal or usefulness” by those it served so well in the past. It’s there because it has been devalued and passed on for pennies on the dollar, to make room on the shelves for something newer and more cost effective.

It seems to me that’s a lot like many older people are viewed and treated by those around them of a newer vintage. And whether it’s true or imagined, to feel perceived as basically obsolete and irrelevant quickly erodes one’s feeling of value and self-worth. So in this sense, it shouldn’t be surprising that many Seniors feel like discounted items in the “human” 99 Cent Store… granted one last dignity by being giving room on the display shelf, but one last indignity by being valued far below their actual worth.

Now, it’s not my intent to make this post a tract on how terrible it is to get old, or how mistreated Seniors are in our society. It’s more a reminder to the “young” out there, that old people were once shiny, new products of value and purpose to those around them, just like YOU are now. Their packaging was once attractive and vibrant like yours, and had no trouble catching the eye of those around them. And they were the past's “go to” folks, who commanded respect and dignity because they were at the forefront of life in their role as loving parents, steadfast bread winners, and leaders of the community.

Even more important, is the fact that being “young” makes one oblivious to how quickly the years go by. That’s something we Seniors are forced to recognize each and every day. When I write a post, for example, I glance down at the weathered hands that are working the keyboard and wonder how they came to look so foreign to me. And while they are attached to my arms, my brain can’t help but struggle to admit they’re a part of me. After all, it seems like only yesterday they looked strong and steady… wrinkle-free and fully capable of overcoming any challenge they might encounter. And these same degraded hands belonged to a person who, blinded by the invincibility of youth, never gave it much thought he would ever fall victim to the erosive effects of time. And even if that were possible, it certainly would never happen without him noticing. Wrong…!

So, despite the battle scars I bear from skirmishes with Father Time, I continue to enjoy my frequent fieldtrips to the 99 Cent Store. For it’s there I find a gentle kinship with those mercantile comrades that smile at me from their places on the shelves, as they recognize me as one of them. And in my mind I smile back… purchasing a few with the hope my simple gesture will let them know that someone still thinks they’re not only useful and needed, but of immediate value and relevance. And that's the most genuine and appreciated a thing one could do for them. For soon their expiration date will come due, and they’ll disappear from the shelf forever.

About Parent-Teacher Conferences

Over the years, I have taken a strong stand regarding the role of parents in their child’s education. And while schools and educators have received the closest scrutiny when it comes to accountability, parents, (as their child’s first and most important
teachers), must step up and assume much more responsibility for the overall educational experience of these young learners.

A good example of what I mean, is evidenced in the fact that many adults view parent-teacher conferences as a way to learn how their children are doing in school. That is absolutely backwards! Any parent that must go to school to learn how his or her child is doing, has been sleeping on the job!

There are always many weeks between grading periods. During that time a child should be bringing home a variety of documents from which a clear evaluation can be made as to his or her immediate classroom achievement. Teacher notes, daily assignments, graded tests and quizzes, as well as progress reports are just a few of the things that parents must scrutinize on a regular basis. And when these papers are not coming home, it’s a parent’s responsibility to find out why.

Right about now, most kids are at the halfway point in the school year. In some districts that means a mandatory teacher conference will be offered. If not, it is important for parents to understand that if they think one is needed, they have the right and obligation to their children, to request one. But remember… attending such a meeting without first having informally accessed how your student is doing, is like attending a barbeque without bringing the charcoal, the matches, or the hotdogs.

Here, then, are a few general tips to make your next parent-teacher conference of greater benefit to both you and your child.


At Parent-Teacher Conferences:

- Attend with a POSITIVE attitude. Consider it a WORK SESSION meant to either help your child improve, or help him continue to do well.

- If possible (especially with upper Elementary and older children), ask to have your child in attendance as part of the conference. This eliminates a great deal of wasted time over “he said, she said” issues, as well as the time needed to “report back” to the child about what the teacher said regarding his progress.

- Unless there’s a health consideration or negative home situation such as death, recent divorce, etc., don’t waste time sharing the details of your child’s life history. Through daily interaction, a good teacher can quickly figure out what makes a child tick . If they need additional information, they’ll usually ask.

- Don’t be overpowering in demeanor. The classroom is a teacher’s domain, so treat him with courtesy and respect. No one likes to be told how to do their job.

- Listen to the teacher’s full explanation of an issue before interrupting with questions, comments, or opinions. If it sounds like just a bunch of “educational jargon,” ask him to re-explain using language you fully understand.

- When clarification of issues is necessary, ask specific questions without sounding judgmental and/or accusatory. Even if you don’t get an answer that satisfies you fully, always conclude with the question, “How can WE work together to help (the child) succeed?”

- Accept teacher suggestions about what you can do at home to help your child. If it sounds like the teacher is asking you to teach school at home, however, let him know it EXCEEDS what you are reasonably willing or able to do considering other family obligations.

- When there’s a problem being discussed, Do NOT hesitate to ask the teacher questions such as: “What have YOU tried in class to solve this problem?” Or, “What will YOU be doing in class to help (the child) improve in this area?” Asked without emotion, these are more than fair questions. After all, teachers are responsible for trying to solve problems with children in the classroom, BEFORE running to parents for a solution.

- If a mutual plan is made to solve a problem, establish a time frame for it’s implementation. Schedule another conference for when that time period is over, in order to discuss the results and make modifications to the plan, if necessary.

- Be an advocate for your child, but do NOT offer excuses on his or her behalf. Sooner or later, every student must learn to be responsible for his own learning if he is going to be successful. And even in the Primary grades, it’s NOT too early to begin that task.

A Kid’s View On Dealing With World Bullies

This is not the first time you’ve heard me suggest that kids should be consulted for ideas on how to solve adult problems. After three years of observing President Obama’s impotent approach on dealing with foreign scoundrels and anti-American types, then, it’s clear he would have benefited by asking children for advice on how to handle those who seek to do this country harm.

The President, of course, remains convinced that his ability to deliver silver-tongued oratory and rational bilateral solutions, is the “enlightened” way do the job. But to date it hasn't seemed to be effective, and most kids could have told him that from the start. They understand that when you reason and “schmooze” with a bully weaker than yourself, you’re only adding to his sense of power and impunity. Not only that, you’re buying him additional time to embellish and solidify his next plan to do YOU in.

When I was a young teacher, I remember an incident on the playground which exemplifies what I’m saying. A habitual bully was cruising the yard doing what he did best… annoying and harassing kids around him. Eventually he went up to a boy I knew was not only a good student, but a fine athlete more than capable of physically defending himself. The bully hassled him for awhile, then seemed to got bored when he received only a minimum of attention. So he moved on, drawn to others whose emotional reactions to his presence better inflated his sense of power.

Predictably, the student who had been bothered did what “good” kids are told to do. He followed established protocol and came to me to report the incident. As the “responsible adult,” I advised him to try to solve such incidents with words whenever he could. My next suggestion, (right out of the Teacher‘s Handbook), was for him to simply move to a new play area when words didn't work.

The following day I observed the boy and his friend being bothered by that same bully. I watched as they engaged him in a long and animated discussion. Then, with politically correct form, they turned and walked away to another area of the playground. Of course, as happens with bullies in the real world (especially those who haven’t read the handbook), the pest followed and escalated his harassment even more.

Then something unexpected happened. I guess the two friends could take no more. I saw them deliberately move towards the bully, and push him up against a tree with unmistakable resolve. Only inches from his face, they simply stared him down as they told him something I couldn’t hear. The kid seemed not only totally shocked, but absolutely confused. Then, instead of retaliating as I thought he might, he turned and walked away. The two boys watched his retreat with obvious satisfaction, and gave each other a "high five" as they resumed playing.

Unfortunately, that day’s “show of strength” did not cause the bully to change his ways. The perennial playground punk continued to exploit kids whenever he could. But never again, at least to my knowledge, did he mess with the two boys who had finally stood up to his abuse. He had gotten a small taste of their “power,” and decided to limit his attention to weaker prey.

This incident considered, would most kids advise the administration to deal with hardcore despots such as Hugo Chavez of Venezuela, or Ahmadi-Nejad of Iran by using tactful political rhetoric and being obsessed with not hurting their feelings? Would they suggest continued attempts at appeasement, more fruitless negotiations, or simply bribing them to be our “buddies?” Would they advise the Commander-In-Chief to act weakly, even though we are strong? I think not.

One thing is for sure. Most playground bullies flourish when they are convinced that no one “tougher” than them is willing to step up and challenge their behavior. And they count on that for their success. For, in truth, only a hard-core few really want to get to the point where fighting is their only remaining option. Losing a physical confrontation is their worst nightmare. Such physical defeat not only sullies their reputation as a "bad ass," but exposes them as the blowhards they usually are.

So, kids would warn that dealing with bullies using politically correct verbiage and Pollyannaish reasoning, is almost always a losing strategy. The only way to get them off your back is to summon the courage (and friends, if necessary), to back them into the nearest corner, look them straight in the eye, and whisper the unequivocal words of Clint Eastwood: “Go ahead, Punk… make my day.”

A Role Model With A Mask and Gun

If I was asked what I had for breakfast twenty-four hours ago, I might not remember. And if you asked me why I couldn’t remember, I might respond, “Remember what?” Perhaps it can be chalked up to my advancing age, or evidence of a deteriorating brain due to lobe calcification. But even if both are true, how come I can still clearly recall where I was every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday night at 7:30 pm, over sixty years ago?

The reason is because I was sitting in front of the radio listening to my favorite broadcast, “The Lone Ranger.” First aired in February of 1933, this legendary program was an integral part of the life of every American kid who had a radio in those days. And from the moment the William Tell Overture opened the program behind the stirring command, “Hi-yo, Silver! Away!” we sat transfixed for almost thirty minutes until our masked hero completed his tri-nightly fight to insure truth, justice, and the American way, then rode off into the sunset with his Indian companion, Tonto.

Looking back, I think the most unique thing about this childhood phenomenon, was that it was created to be more than mere entertainment. Skillfully crafted by writer Fran Striker and radio station owner George W. Trendle, great care was given to insure that its hero was always a positive role model to every kid who listened. The Lone Ranger, then, always shined as a paragon of virtue and morality in both word and deed. And this was no accident, for his character was purposely structured to embody a written creed in which his creator deeply believed. Here it is:

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

The Lone Ranger Creed by Fran Striker

"I believe……

That to have a friend,
a man must be one.

That all men are created equal
and that everyone has within himself
the power to make this a better world.

That God put the firewood there
but that every man
must gather and light it himself.

In being prepared
physically, mentally, and morally
to fight when necessary
for that which is right.

That a man should make the most
of what equipment he has.

That 'This government,
of the people, by the people
and for the people'
shall live always.

That men should live by
the rule of what is best
for the greatest number.

That sooner or later...
somewhere...somehow...
we must settle with the world
and make payment for what we have taken.

That all things change but truth,
and that truth alone, lives on forever.

I believe in my Creator, my country, and my fellow man."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Beyond this creed, each story plot was laced with strict guidelines that made the Lone Ranger a hero worth emulating. Seemingly inconsequential when viewed separately, together they created a moral blueprint to which impressionable young minds could relate. For example, the masked man was never seen drinking alcohol, or hanging around in unseemly places like frontier saloons. He also never smoked, or was rude or unkind to even the outlaws with whom he had to deal. And when he spoke, his grammar and syntax was always perfect, and not a word of slang did you ever hear leave his mouth.

And there were additional guidelines as to how the Lone Ranger would comport himself. Though he captured outlaws using force, it was never with an excessive amount, or with gratuitous violence. And when he had to use his firearm, he never shot with the intent to kill. Instead, he usually disarmed the bad guys by skillfully shooting the gun from their hands, or by nicking them and causing them to give up. He also was never portrayed as a superhero who could overcome unrealistic odds. And while he fought diligently to seek justice for the “little guy,” he always did so to "level the playing field," and make the western expansion of this country accessible to every man, despite his station in life.

Even story villains had specific character guidelines on the Lone Ranger Program. Each was portrayed as a generic American without racial stereotype. This was purposely done to avoid minority groups from criticizing that they were being singled out in a negative way. And the names of criminals were usually left as nicknames, thus avoiding the chance that full names could be mistakenly associated with any race or ethnic group. Beyond that, those on the wrong side of the law were never portrayed in positions of wealth and power. In other words, it was clear to every young listener, that crime did NOT pay.

After many years as a radio favorite, the Lone Ranger Program finally moved to television on September 15, 1949. With Clayton Moore as the Lone Ranger, and Jay Silverheels as Tonto, the program cultivated a new generation of dedicated fans until its final airing in 1957. Then, thanks to re-runs, the masked man and his Indian companion continued fighting injustice on children’s TV screens all over the world, right into the new millennium.

Yes, while I might not remember what I ate yesterday, I can definitely recall that time long ago, when a masked man riding a horse named Silver and wearing a gun belt that held shiny silver bullets, rode into my kitchen each week and convinced me that being a “good guy” was really cool. And contrary to what the world often said, HE was all the proof I needed, that good guys were definitely not meant to finish last.


Note: You can listen to the stirring radio intro of the Lone Ranger program, by copying the following web address into your browser, and clicking on the “Play Intro” tab on the main page. (http://www.originaloldradio.com/lone_ranger.html ) Enjoy !!

My Theory On How They Found Osama Bin Laden

When Osama Bin Laden was killed by Seal Team Six last May, his secret compound was said to have been located by CIA operatives who painstakingly pieced together bits of obscure information from around the world. While we may never definitively known if that is true, such a claim, (if verified), would constitute the first successful thing the government has accomplished in recent history. So, considering its dismal failure in most everything else, I’m convinced that Bin Laden was actually unearthed by the Facebook Search Engine, not some Federal Black Ops organization.

I picture it being so lonely there in Pakistan, that Osama opened a Facebook account to pass the time between making attack plans, praying five times a day, and perhaps watching porn videos. Then, using a misleading moniker like “Ben Laudenstein,” he began a quest to locate seventy-two virgins with whom he could establish a friendship ahead of time. And that is what eventually blew his cover. Before long, he began popping up on that automatically generated list called, “People You May Know.”

Now, think twice before you mock my theory. The Facebook Search Engine has deadly reach, something I know first hand. For while you can’t even find me on the site, whenever I log in and it says, “Welcome to Facebook, Paisano,” a list of people I know mysteriously appears on the page. Some of them are so far out of my past, I haven’t communicated with or even thought about them for years. It’s downright SPOOKY ! How in the hell does Facebook make a connection between me and these people? And how is this very accurate list generated for an “invisible” like me, who surreptitiously spends less than ten minutes per month as a lurker?

Everything said, I‘m convinced that Osama Bin Laden ended up taking two bullets simply because he succumbed to one of our most popular Infidel vices called “social networking.” And quietly without fanfare (or one penny of our hard earned tax dollars), the Facebook search algorithm became America's newest and most effective weapon in the War On Terror.