Abbot and Costello Discuss Government Math

As I’ve said before, once and awhile I get an e-mail that I wish I had authored myself. The most recent is a clever example of how our less than transparent government takes math to a new level of “fuzziness,” for the sole purpose of making itself look better than it really is. And, of course, this is how career politicians keep themselves in office, and maintain their seats at the public trough… thus giving pigs a bad name.

Of course, I’m not really surprised. I’ve heard said that you can make statistics show just about anything you want. All you have to do is start with your desired conclusion, then apply whatever arbitrary statistical parameters and carefully selected data you need to “prove” your point is true. And, that is exactly how our government economists came up with the latest unemployment figures, hoping to convince the American electorate that things are getting better thanks to the cronies in Washington D.C.

The genius of this e-mail is that it points out this “math manipulation” in a creative and humorous way. A play on the old Abbott and Costello comedy routine, “Who’s On First?” it substitutes current employment numbers for the baseball players originally used in the classic shtick. And after a bout of almost confusing, convoluted banter, the irony of those government figures becomes clear. They end up being nothing more than political “smoke and mirrors.”

Hats off, then, to the original author of this e-mail. I’m a big fan of the way you think, and especially the way you communicate!

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COSTELLO: Let's talk about the unemployment rate in America.

ABBOTT: Good Subject. Terrible Times. It's 8.3%.

COSTELLO: That many people are out of work?

ABBOTT: No, that's 16%.

COSTELLO: You just said 8.3%.

ABBOTT: 8.3% Unemployed.

COSTELLO: Right 8.3% out of work.

ABBOTT: No, that's 16%.

COSTELLO: Okay, so it's 16% unemployed.

ABBOTT: No, that's 8.3%...

COSTELLO: WAIT A MINUTE. Is it 8.3% or 16%?

ABBOTT: 8.3% are unemployed. 16% are out of work.

COSTELLO: IF you are out of work you are unemployed.

ABBOTT: No, you can't count the "Out of Work" as the unemployed. You have to look for work to be unemployed.

COSTELLO: BUT THEY ARE OUT OF WORK!!!

ABBOTT: No, you miss my point.

COSTELLO: What point?

ABBOTT: Someone who doesn't look for work can't be counted with those who look for work. It wouldn't be fair.

COSTELLO: To whom?

ABBOTT: The unemployed.

COSTELLO: But they are ALL out of work.

ABBOTT: No, the unemployed are actively looking for work... Those who are out of work stopped looking. They gave up. And, if you give up, you are no longer in the ranks of the unemployed.

COSTELLO: So if you're off the unemployment roles, that would count as less unemployment?

ABBOTT: Unemployment would go down. Absolutely!

COSTELLO: The unemployment just goes down because you don't look for work?

ABBOTT: Absolutely it goes down. That's how you get to 8.3%. Otherwise, it would be 16%. You don't want to read about 16% unemployment do ya?

COSTELLO: That would be frightening.

ABBOTT: Absolutely.

COSTELLO: Wait, I got a question for you. That means there are two ways to bring down the unemployment number?

ABBOTT: Two ways is correct.

COSTELLO: Unemployment can go down if someone gets a job?

ABBOTT: Correct.

COSTELLO: And unemployment can also go down if you stop looking for a job?

ABBOTT: Bingo.

COSTELLO: So there are two ways to bring unemployment down, and the easier of the two is to just stop looking for work.

ABBOTT: Now you're thinking like an economist.

COSTELLO: I don't even know what the hell I just said!