Children and Self-Esteem

Back-in-the-day before educating the whole child was supplanted by manipulating high test scores out of them, the building of self-esteem was a focus and priority of all good teachers.  Of course, as happens with anything, while everyone tried, some of us were better at it than others.  Nonetheless, it was an honorable goal that if achieved, had lasting and valuable benefit for every young student.

There was an era when the whole thing got out of hand, however.  So much emphasis was focused on making kids feel good, that it began to resemble hype more than substance.  Comments like, “You’re doing very well, Johnny,” began to ring hollow when it was obvious that Johnny was failing miserably.  “You are all wonderful children,” almost brought snickers from those who had regular brushes with the adult staff.  So, what seemed to make this goal of getting kids to feel better about themselves, ineffective?  One was that much of it was basically bologna posing as steak, and the kids recognized the difference.  Also, the majority of this “encouragement” was done verbally, leaving out more subtle techniques which ended up proving far more effective.

From some college psychology class, I remember one line which seemed to lodge in my brain during one of my conscious moments in the lecture hall.  It was this:  “You learn about yourself through the eyes of others.”  Simply put, as you watch the reactions of others to what you do, you slowly build an image of who you are as a person.  It’s subtle, non-verbal, but deadly efficient in establishing one’s self-worth.  Fortunately, I guess that’s how I chose to deal with my students when I began teaching.  And though I said many positive things to them each day, my verbal comments were always honest and descriptive of something they had done.  “I like the patience you showed,” or “Your handwriting today is some of the neatest.”  “That drawing makes me feel happy,” or “You should be proud of how you improved on today’s quiz.”  Whatever I said, then, was a reflection of what they actually knew they had done, and not simply a patronizing comment that could be disputed by fact.

Intertwined with that objective commentary, however, was the less obvious use of non-verbal messages that many teachers never realized were so potent in developing positive self-esteem.  Making direct eye contact with every child, and smiling at them was one of the easiest.  It still works today, as some of my biggest fans at school are kids to whom I’ve never said a word. Because I smile at them each time our paths cross, however, they think they’re special and likeable.  After all, they see it on my face.

In the classroom other non-verbal gestures worked wonders, as well.  A simple “thumbs up” and wink when someone was working hard, conveyed I appreciated their industrious attitude.  A smile and pat on the shoulder as I passed their desk, let them know I valued their presence as a member of our classroom family.  The silent pointing of my finger to a sentence they’d written or math problem they’d solved, while nodding my head and smiling, told them I liked the quality of their thinking.  And a smattering of single words descriptive of how I feel about whatever they were doing, academic or not, went a long way towards making them feel good about themselves.  “Great… Funny… Love It… Nice… Yessss,” (accompanied by a smile, of course), always made them feel capable and special.  And a simple, “Thank you,” when I caught them doing something nice, always served to make them want to do it again, and more often.

Everything said, then, perhaps the whole subject of helping kids feel good about themselves, is less a psychological pursuit than a human one.  Summing it up for ME, it would be as simple as this:  “More smiling, and less patronizing talk.”  And taking it one step farther, I’d add this admonition:  “Never forget that kids can read you like a book!  Their eyes are like a truth filter, that seldom interprets what’s in your heart, incorrectly.  And always remember, they DEFINITELY know the difference between steak and bologna.”