A Diet That Reflects The Times

Just when I thought I’d heard everything, I learned about a new diet that some folks are trying. Its allure is that it puts absolutely no responsibility on a person to eat less or exercise more. He or she can just sit around the house and slowly the pounds begin to drop away. In a medical sense, the diet is a reflection of today’s societal attitude that one should be able to reap benefits just sitting on his or her ass, while someone else (or in this case, “something else”) does the work.

The diet is simple, at best. One goes on the internet and orders tapeworm cysts harvested from purposely infected cows in some far-off Third World Country. Then the dieter INGESTS said ingredients!!! Soon a parasitic worm hatches and establishes residency in the intestines by attaching itself using hooks and suckers. From then on, losing weight is a downhill battle. The growing tapeworm dines on stolen nutrients ingested by its Lard Ass Landlord, thus causing a weight loss of one to two pounds per week.

Are you freakin’ kidding me? A living, growing creature inside me that can grow up to fifty feet and reproduce by the segment? And when it gets homesick and wants to leave, or I hit my goal weight and no longer need its filching, the only way out, dead or alive, is through my rear exit? Holy hookworms, Batman!! I could lose just as much weight by simply throwing up over such a disgusting thought!

What ever happened to that old fashioned weight loss alternative called the tape MEASURE diet?