Some Geriatric Humor

This is just a fun post, to which I have nothing original to add.  I received it as an e-mail from some dear friends, and was delighted by the humorous but insightful manner it approached the subject of getting old.  Enjoy.

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The Importance of Walking

Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old
To spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
Home at $4,000 per month.

My grandpa started walking
Five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old
And we have no idea where the hell he is.

I like long walks,
Especially when they are taken
By people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking
Is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning,
Before my brain figures out what I'm doing...

The Importance of Exercising

I joined a health club last year,
Spent about 250 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there!

Every time I hear the dirty word “exercise,”

I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

I do have flabby thighs,

But fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day

Is so when you die, they'll say,

'Well, he looks good doesn't he?'

I know I got a lot of exercise
The last few years,......
Just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older,
Because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Every time I start thinking too much
About how I look,
I just find a pub with a Happy Hour
And by the time I leave,
I look just fine.

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Photo Credits to: Sandi V.  www.wackywits.com
 

No Hassle Corn On The Cob

I have bad news and good news.  The bad news is that corn futures went up 40% from last month’s lows because of the  extreme drought farmers are experiencing in the Midwest.  If that wasn’t enough, when the price of corn goes up it raises food prices in general, so we’re all going to need a few extra shekels in our wallets or purses the next time we go shopping.

The good news, however, is absolutely FANTASTIC.  If you love corn on the cob, and actually have enough money left to buy a few ears when you shop, today’s post offers a breakthrough in both the speed and simplicity of its preparation.  No more pots of boiling water, or bothersome shucking and desilking after it’s cooked.  In short, what I’m going to share with you is a lazy cook’s dream come true!  And the term “lazy cook,” fits me perfectly.

Now, I know what you‘re thinking…… Italians love to eat and are usually pretty good cooks.  For me, however, only the first half of that is true.  For while I’ve probably never met a food I didn’t like… (except for raw critters from the sea)… I view cooking as an activity where the time spent working and cleaning up, is disturbingly disproportionate to the time actually spent enjoying the finished meal.  And when you’re diabetic, to boot, why do all that work when you can’t eat “respectable” quantities of the really good stuff, anyway?

 Because I’m lazy, then, corn on the cob has always fallen into my “too much of a hassle” category.  I say “has,” because last week I got an e-mail with a video link to something called “Shucking Corn With Ken,” (see below).  In it, a nice gentleman showed the easiest way to make PERFECT corn on the cob in four minutes.  And the most exciting thing about it was, that cleaning and shucking beforehand , is replaced by instant shucking afterwards.

Here’s his absolutely simple and amazing procedure:

1.  Put your unshucked ears of corn in the microwave, allowing 4 minutes of cooking time for each.
2.  When the cooking time is up, safely remove them using heat mitts to protect yourself from being burned .
3.  On a cutting board or other surface, cut through the husk at the STALK end of each ear.  Then grab the protruding silk and leaves at the opposite end, and shake or squeeze the cooked ear out.  Amazingly, it slides out clean and ready to eat… with not a trace of either husk or silk.  Now what could be easier than that?

So, thanks to Ken for this amazing and life changing video.  Because of it, corn on the cob is no longer on my “painful preparations” list… in the food category, that is.  The stuff that comes in tubes, however, remains necessary due to advancing age. 
 
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To view the “Shucking Corn With Ken” video for yourself, paste the following address into your browser:
http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=YnBF6bv4Oe4&feature=youtu.be
 

Which Word Says It Best?

Word choice has always intrigued me.  That’s why this week, a TV program brought my attention to the word “riveted.”  More than once, lawyers discussing a murder case used it in the following context:  “I was riveted by the father’s testimony,” and “I haven’t witnessed such riveting testimony in a long time.”

“Why do lawyers seem to like that word?“ I wondered.  Obviously, “riveted” was their word of choice to convey how focused they were on the courtroom testimony.  As such, I have no qualms with their selection and use of the word.  Figuratively, it describes their rapt attention to the court proceedings.  For as rivets are strong metal fasteners in the industrial world, it was apparent that the drama of what was being said, caused their attention to be tightly “fastened” on the legal proceedings.

Anyway, while “riveted” might be a barrister’s first choice, there are other words that can be used to convey the same idea of being tightly focused on something.  Consider, for example:

-  “I was glued to the testimony.”  Perhaps that’s a little too messy and infers a certain amount of time needed for drying.
-  “My attention was welded to the testimony.”  Maybe the thought of intense heat that melts steel makes this word too menacing.
- “I was nailed to the witnesses account.”  A good choice, but might infer the person was hammered.
-  “My focus was bolted to the closing arguments.”  Might seem to question one’s mental stability since it relies on a nut.
-  “For thirty minutes my attention was cemented to the proceedings.”  A little too scary in permanence… in a Jimmy Hoffa sort of way, that is.
-  “My concentration was screwed to the testimony.”  Probably too uncomfortable a word considering it is part of the description of what some lawyers do for a living.

The Idiots Among Us

There are lots of things a person can worry about these days if he chooses to do so.  Whether it’s the terrible economy and the financial pressure it‘s causing, or personal conflicts at home or in the workplace, the challenges of raising happy and well-adjusted kids, or perhaps uncertainties about one’s health, the list goes on and on.  It never seems to end.

Worrying is a debilitating activity, at best, so that’s why I consciously simplify my life in order to avoid as many mental distractions as possible.  Every now and then, however, something pops up that makes even ME start to worry.   And the latest of these reared its ugly head as I read comments left for a video posted on “You Tube,” one in which the sinking scene in the movie, “Titanic” was edited to play backwards.

The project was done by an aspiring film student.  Like any movie that’s played in reverse, it was an dramatic exercise in visual absurdity.  The huge ship rising from the water in pieces, along with its passengers and crew seeming to “rise” back up onto its decks, was a truly surreal experience.  But that’s not what got me worrying.  I mean, in seventy long years I’ve done lots of things backwards, so I’m more than used to it by now.  What sent chills up my spine was the number of “whacked” comments left by viewers of the video.  Not only were they stupid and indicative of minimal mental function, they were written using language and spelling not worthy of my First Grade students.

Now, I neither consider myself a mental giant, nor academic snob.  I’m just an old codger that appreciates clear thinking, the ability to communicate, and a non-embarrassing level of literacy when dealing with others.  In my opinion, then, these written comments displayed NONE of the aforementioned traits, and that’s why I’m worried.  For looking beyond the confines of my cloistered world, I find the horizon littered with hoards of human numbskulls!

Here are some of the comments left for the video, “Titanic Sinking In Reverse.”  I present them to you, unedited:

-  “i knew you could fall upwards”
-  “thes peple must love bouncing”
-  “its good but it’s not real life”
-  “It would be a miracle if this happened to the titanic thumbs up to agree”
-  “Did that just really happen? O_o”
-  “maybe the electricity ran out? and the man put it on and it come out of water”
-  “the titanic sank in real life these are actors”
-  “a oficer shoott his self”
-  “… what happened?”

-  “I think Yodas doing this”
-  “yeah, reverse titanic makes sense, but reverse twilight we get nothing!”
-  “i was most excited to see the guy that hits the propeller when he falls rise back up and hit it again…”
-  “My grama’s uncle was one it”
-  “i want this to happen”
-  “this is somewhat hilariouse”
-  “that stupid iceburg had to be in the way”

Are you freaking kidding me????  Are there that many slow-witted illiterates watching videos these days?  As an educator, if any of these respondents were former students of mine, I’d promptly go out in the backyard and hang myself from the peak of my workshop roof.  And maybe… just for ironic impact, I’d get someone to video the whole thing, then edit it to run backwards so I can “come back to life.” Then I can read the comments left about me, and start worrying all over again.

Three Cheers For Duct Tape !!

I don’t want to start a debate here, but in my opinion “duct tape” is one of the greatest things ever invented.  And while it might be simpler in design than the automobile, less flashy than the electric light bulb, and more low tech than today’s electronic gadgets, it nonetheless exceeds almost everything in the number of practical uses it can serve.

Duct tape seems to be the red-headed stepchild of modern creations.  I spent time on-line trying to determine where it placed in the hierarchy of notable inventions, and it didn’t even show up in the top thirty or forty items named.  Frankly, I was shocked.  I mean, it must have some importance if I go through two or three rolls each and every year, and if entire TV shows have been aired with this versatile tape as the “star.”

I must admit, for years I looked down on those who called it “duck” tape, thinking it was just another example of how such unappreciative people further undervalued the product by getting its name wrong.  They made it sound like something one would use to bind the wings and feet of kidnapped waterfowl, or as a gag around the beak of that annoying bird that advertises for Aflac. But research informed me that it was indeed called “duck” tape when it was first invented for use in World War II to keep moisture out of ammo boxes.  Upon learning that, I felt a little less defensive about my silver-gray friend.
 

Let’s face it.  Anything as basic as duct tape that can fill four complete episodes of the Discovery Channel's “MythBusters,” has got to be impressive.  On those shows (listed below), it was used to do everything from lifting a car off the ground, to taping Adam Savage to the ceiling of the workshop.  Other projects included using duct tape to fashion a working sailboat, a  surfboard, a black powder canon that actually fired, a 100 foot bridge across a chasm, and various survival tools such as a temporary shelter, container to store water, and hats and footwear to protect oneself from the elements.

If that wasn’t impressive enough, the MythBusters also replaced the shredded skin of a light aircraft with this versatile product.   Covering gaping holes in its damaged fuselage and tail control sections with rolls of duct tape, they created a new “skin” that, while only meant to be temporary, allowed the plane and pilot to take off safely, and fly at low altitude above the runway.

Now, someone much wiser than me once said this: “If you can’t fix it with duct tape, you haven’t used enough.”  And that about sums it up.  Nothing is stronger, and nothing adheres better to just about anything.  That’s my personal assessment, of course, and like duct tape… I’m sticking to it!

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If you’d like to check out the Mythbuster duct tape shows for yourself, copy and paste the following address into your browser:
http://www.youtube.com  Then type “mythbusters/duct tape” into the search box, and you can easily find these episodes:  “Duct Tape 1,” “Duct Tape 2,” “Duct Tape Plane,” and “Duct Tape Island.”

Gassed By Our Own Government

What would you say if you found out that automobile companies in this country are manufacturing cars that get DOUBLE the gas mileage of any found in the showrooms of American dealerships?  And what would you think if you suddenly realized that these gas-saving vehicles are being shipped and sold to other countries, while being prohibited from sale here in the good old U.S. of A?  And would it be a huge surprise that your own government and a “green” president are the primary “actors” in this political and economic travesty, and not only the greedy oil industry?

This week I got an e-mail with a link to a “You Tube” video (see end of post), that debunks the notion that our government really gives one shit about making the environment cleaner, or reducing our fossil fuel dependence on those abroad who hate our guts.  Visiting in Europe, the man who posted the video found that he was getting over fifty miles per gallon from the Volkswagen Station Wagon he had rented, and in which he and three others were traveling fully packed.  The car’s engine was designed with something called “Blue Motion TDI” technology, and on the Volkswagen UK website, it lists this car as actually getting 72 miles per gallon on the highway, with an average of 69 mpg when factoring in urban driving, as well.

So what’s going on?  Before you think that Europe has smarter car companies than us, consider this.  These fuel efficient cars ARE presently being manufactured here in the United States and being exported to other countries.  And the bottom line as to why Americans are not allowed to buy them, (quoting the video), is “because of economic reasons.”  Here’s a short version of the ugly equation that explains the whole rip-off:  Such fuel efficient cars = less gas purchased = less revenue from gas taxes that the government rakes in to maintain roads and highways.

In short, then, the whole issue of our country becoming “greener” is being driven by something else that’s green… MONEY!  And the feigned concern about the environment by our political leaders, and their self-serving “efforts” to reduce our debilitating dependence on fossil fuel, end up being nothing more than the unadulterated fecal deposits of male cows.

I encourage you to view this informative video for yourself.  I did the research, and the mileage facts the man used are absolutely TRUE.  Once you’ve heard his story, then, if the wave of betrayal that washes over you is not too strong, decide what you can do to make things better… and I don’t mean moving to Europe.  At least share the information with someone else who cares.  And though replacing politicians is usually like adding insult to injury, the upcoming election offers us a small chance to begin the process of getting our country‘s house in order.  No matter your political affiliation, consider throwing out the political “gas bags” that strive mostly to stay in power, and do little to move this country forward on behalf of its citizens.

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To view the video, copy and paste this address into your browser:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uBnlXGvA1Wk&feature=results_main&playnext=1&list=PL424FBEBB212DE778

Where Politicians Look For Solutions

This week I read an issue of “Reader’s Digest” that reaffirmed my long-held belief that most politicians are either inept, unqualified, or too busy trying to STAY in office to make decisions that have positive impact on the lives of their constituents.  Take, for example, these three accounts of recent government “action” meant to solve problems that, in my mind, were more imagined than real.

In Portland, Oregon, a young man got caught taking a leak in a local reservoir.  The article didn’t say how the law was tipped off about the wayward whiz, but after he was apprehended he admitted that adding a pint of sterile fluid to an eight million gallon body of water, was probably a dumb thing to do.  Anyway, no doubt thinking ahead to their re-election campaigns, the loony legislators had the reservoir drained and refilled in the name of “public safety.”  It wouldn’t be surprising if their next move was to mandate that the reservoir’s fish population jump out of the water to relieve themselves in the nearby bushes.

In Thornton, Colorado, city politicians instituted a regulation that will no doubt end up saving thousands of lives of both motorists and pedestrians, alike.  Citing that, “We don’t want signs to be distracting, especially to motorists,” the goofy governing body officially banned barbershop poles… those colorful red, white, and blue moving displays that have marked the locations of barber shops for centuries.  In one legislative gesture, then, they not only  destroyed a distinctive cultural icon, but the only visual example that Thornton residents had, which demonstrated how a politician’s brain spins when he or she tries to think clearly.

Finally, decision makers at the Consumer Product Safety Commission (CPSC) recently recalled a recliner because it had a screw sticking out from somewhere on its bottom.  They did so NOT because they had received any reports of people being injured by the chair’s protruding fastener, but because there was ONE report of a dog’s fur becoming entangled in the screw.  Now, whether it was the dog who ratted out the recliner by calling in a complaint to PETA, the report didn’t say.  But one thing is for sure.  Every person who watched the six o’clock news in that comfortable chair, as well as the company that manufactured it, ended up as the ones our “brainless” bureaucrats really screwed.

A Glimpse Into My Qualifications For Public Office

Some time ago, a reader said she thought I should run for political office.  Her opinion, I think, was based on one of my predictable anti-government rants in which I offered a few solutions of my own, for one or more of the ills infecting this country.  Anyway, I was flattered by her confidence in me, but quickly realized I could probably never get elected to anything with only one vote… no matter how sincere or well intentioned it might be.

It’s certainly not that I don’t think I’d be a great candidate, especially at a time like this when an idea person like myself is so desperately needed to turn this country around.  And though you shouldn’t expect a sudden announcement that I’ve changed my mind and will be launching a surprise third party run, I do think it’s my duty to provide evidence, (if only to that one reader), of how effective a public servant I might have been had she voted for me on election day, and everyone else stayed home.

Let’s face it… budgetary astuteness seems to be what will “make or break” the candidates running for office this year.  For that reason alone, this would be a perfect time for me to enter public service.  With a proven record of thinking out of the box and finding creative solutions when there is no money on which to rely, I am the perfect political storm.  And my God-given ability was honed over almost forty years of labor with young humans in the Elementary classroom.  In short, I always found clever ways to shelter my students from the ravaging effects of consistently smaller classroom budgets each and every year.

Once, around Thanksgiving, there was loud grumbling in the teacher’s lounge that the school was out of the necessary elements of most Thanksgiving art projects… that is, black and white construction paper.  I, of course, had all I needed because I had anticipated the shortage many months before, and taken action by stocking up when it was available.  Voila!  I offer this brilliant “foresight” as my first strong qualification for public office.  In times of bounty, my cynical mind always anticipates that things will inevitably get worse, so I apply basic squirrel mentality and do what is necessary to save my nuts ahead of time.

My second and most crucial qualification for elected office, is that I think creatively and solve problems in unique but effective ways.  This skill was evident during the construction paper crisis  I just mentioned.  One day after the kids were gone, I was using the restroom when I noticed a pile of boxes in the corner.  I had seen them on prior evacuation missions, so I took a closer look.  My investigation confirmed they were toilet seat “barriers” made of tissue paper, the kind one uses when he fears that illegal organisms might sneak across the bowl/seat border and establish residence on or around his derriere. 

Anyway, the wall dispenser was full, and at a count of one hundred pieces per box there were enough in the stack to get the whole teaching staff through a dysentery epidemic, as well as a wild lounge party featuring prune juice and bran muffins.  So I began thinking.  These oval seat covers seemed a very practical shape for uses NOT indicated on the box.  That’s when it came to me.  How about turning them into THANKSGIVING ART PROJECTS!…?  The shear number of boxes seemed to be not only a present from the artistic gods, but a guarantee that the dear children would NOT be cheated out of a hands-on, creative holiday experience.  Besides, this “unique” art medium was ironically appropriate, since kids (not teachers), were the only non-germ-fearing contingent at our school.

Anyway, the rest is history.  My creative vision and ability to think tangentially, spawned the infamous “Toilet Seat Art Projects” of 1986.  And while they never quite caught on with less “adventurous” teachers, they did prove (at least in theory), that a creative mind can solve problems and save the day. Below, then, is a sample of some of the seat cover art that resulted, and visual proof that if I ever decide to seek public office, my whole campaign will most likely begin and end in the toilet.

                           ORIGINAL THANKSGIVING PROJECT IDEA:  Pilgrim Collars

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                    SOME OTHER HOLIDAY ART PROJECTS THAT CAME LATER