The Prattling Paisano: A Glimpse Into My Qualifications For Public Office

Some time ago, a reader said she thought I should run for political office. Her opinion, I think, was based on one of my predictable anti-government rants in which I offered a few solutions of my own, for one or more of the ills infecting this country. Anyway, I was flattered by her confidence in me, but quickly realized I could probably never get elected to anything with only one vote… no matter how sincere or well intentioned it might be.

It’s certainly not that I don’t think I’d be a great candidate, especially at a time like this when an idea person like myself is so desperately needed to turn this country around. And though you shouldn’t expect a sudden announcement that I’ve changed my mind and will be launching a surprise third party run, I do think it’s my duty to provide evidence, (if only to that one reader), of how effective a public servant I might have been had she voted for me on election day, and everyone else stayed home.

Let’s face it… budgetary astuteness seems to be what will “make or break” the candidates running for office this year. For that reason alone, this would be a perfect time for me to enter public service. With a proven record of thinking out of the box and finding creative solutions when there is no money on which to rely, I am the perfect political storm. And my God-given ability was honed over almost forty years of labor with young humans in the Elementary classroom. In short, I always found clever ways to shelter my students from the ravaging effects of consistently smaller classroom budgets each and every year.

Once, around Thanksgiving, there was loud grumbling in the teacher’s lounge that the school was out of the necessary elements of most Thanksgiving art projects… that is, black and white construction paper. I, of course, had all I needed because I had anticipated the shortage many months before, and taken action by stocking up when it was available. Voila! I offer this brilliant “foresight” as my first strong qualification for public office. In times of bounty, my cynical mind always anticipates that things will inevitably get worse, so I apply basic squirrel mentality and do what is necessary to save my nuts ahead of time.

My second and most crucial qualification for elected office, is that I think creatively and solve problems in unique but effective ways. This skill was evident during the construction paper crisis I just mentioned. One day after the kids were gone, I was using the restroom when I noticed a pile of boxes in the corner. I had seen them on prior evacuation missions, so I took a closer look. My investigation confirmed they were toilet seat “barriers” made of tissue paper, the kind one uses when he fears that illegal organisms might sneak across the bowl/seat border and establish residence on or around his derriere.

Anyway, the wall dispenser was full, and at a count of one hundred pieces per box there were enough in the stack to get the whole teaching staff through a dysentery epidemic, as well as a wild lounge party featuring prune juice and bran muffins. So I began thinking. These oval seat covers seemed a very practical shape for uses NOT indicated on the box. That’s when it came to me. How about turning them into THANKSGIVING ART PROJECTS!…? The shear number of boxes seemed to be not only a present from the artistic gods, but a guarantee that the dear children would NOT be cheated out of a hands-on, creative holiday experience. Besides, this “unique” art medium was ironically appropriate, since kids (not teachers), were the only non-germ-fearing contingent at our school.

Anyway, the rest is history. My creative vision and ability to think tangentially, spawned the infamous “Toilet Seat Art Projects” of 1986. And while they never quite caught on with less “adventurous” teachers, they did prove (at least in theory), that a creative mind can solve problems and save the day. Below, then, is a sample of some of the seat cover art that resulted, and visual proof that if I ever decide to seek public office, my whole campaign will most likely begin and end in the toilet.