Inside A Special Ops Mission

Few have had the occasion to be privy to the blow-by-blow account of a covert Special Operations Mission in progress.  The last famous one was the takedown of Osama Bin Laden (see Post #44, January 2012), but even then Americans had to wait until  the debriefing was done before any details were divulged.  Today I will share with you, the official transcripts of a past Special Ops mission in New Jersey. While it was undertaken in the middle of a suburban neighborhood, it was no less dangerous than the storming of Bin Laden’s compound earlier this year.

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The Attack On Childhood By Frito-Lay

Looks like the Nannycrats are at it again.  Here in California, some Pasadena administrators have banned Flamin’ Hot Cheetos on their school campuses.  If found on the person of any student, the contraband snack will be confiscated, even if it was part of a lunch that was brought from home.

Many of the reasons for the ban are based on perceived health implications, like Cheetos being a junk food with no nutritional value, and containing too much fat and salt to be anything but a hazard to the kids that eat them.  And the ban campaign, gaining traction in two other states, is being nobly characterized as yet another battle in the fight against child obesity.

There are other reasons that bureaucrats want to eliminate these Chastised Cheese Puffs.  They include the allegation that when students share them with friends, they pass on germs which can make others sick.  It also seems that the bright red food coloring that visually distinguishes this scorned snack, is a burden on custodians who are purported to spend extra time and effort cleaning up tell-tale fingerprints all over school campuses.

Finally, a far more sinister reason has been advanced regarding the subject.  In an almost conspiratorial indictment of the processed food industry, some “experts” say that Flamin’ Hot Cheetos are manufactured to be addictive to those who eat them.  Labeled a “hyperpalatability” food, its carefully calibrated fat, sugar, and salt content is said to trigger the brain’s reward system causing eaters to crave and consume more and more in an almost  addictive manner.  In essence, then, the charge is that our kids are being turned into junk food addicts by big business.

Obviously, this whole ban issue is emotionally changed with a host of supporters on either side.  My opinion, however, has not changed since I wrote, “Keep Your Fingers Outa My Happy Meal,” in July 2010.  If schools don’t want Flamin’ Hot Cheetos on campus, a good start would be to take them out of their cafeteria vending machines.  As far as kids bringing them in their lunches, that’s a PARENTAL decision about which bureaucrats should have no say.  Instead of acting heavy-handedly, they should  inform, educate, and encourage parents to eliminate such food from their kid’s diets, and not presume that being a Nannycrat trumps being a parent.

Finally, to anyone who disagrees with me about this issue, I understand your concern that if the Flamin’ Hot Cheeto “epidemic” continues unchecked, frightening newspaper headlines may become the inevitable result.  God forbid we would have to read anything like the following:

 -  Brisk Underground Hot Cheeto Trafficking Suspected in District Elementary Schools

-  Individual Stashes of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos Found In Scores Of Hollowed-Out Middle School Dictionaries

-  Flamin’ Hot Cheetos Exonerated: Study Reveals Germ Passing A Result of French Kissing Behind Middle School Buildings

-  Teacher Fired After Bribing Students To Pass State Test With Reward of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos

-  Fire In School Dumpster Blamed On Flamin’ Hot Cheetos

-  Supreme Court Rules That Student Cavity Searches For Outlawed Hot Cheetos Are Unconstitutional

-  Area Rehab Centers Overwhelmed With Influx Of Juvenile Flamin’ Hot Cheeto Addicts

-  Local Second Graders Overdose on Flamin’ Hot Cheetos:  Remain In Frito-Lay Wing of Urban Trauma Center

-  Red Stool Sample Of High School Student Proves To Be The Result Of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos, Not Hemorrhoids

-  School Graffiti Cold Case Solved After Analysis of Flamin’ Hot Cheeto Fingerprints

-  District Drug Sniffing Dog Discovers Cache of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos In School Lockers, Misses Kilo of Marijuana

-  High School Students Caught Smoking Flamin’ Hot Cheetos In Gymnasium Restroom

-  School Board Upholds Rule That Wearing, “Give Me Flamin’ Hot Cheetos Or Give Me Death,” T-Shirts Is Forbidden On School Campuses

-  School District Removes Flamin’ Hot Cheetos From Vending Machines:  Loses 80% of Educational Revenue

-  Elementary Students Caught Snorting Hot Cheeto Residue Through Cafeteria Straws

-  Sixth Grader Becomes Sick After Ingesting Counterfeit Bag Of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos

-  Eight Year Old Student Arrested As Kingpin Of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos Distribution Ring

-  Child Protective Services Presses Charges Against Hundreds Of Parents For Allowing Students To Eat Flamin’ Hot Cheetos

-  Paramedics Extract Flamin’ Hot Cheeto From Kindergartener’s Nasal Passage

-  Despite Financial Deficit, School District Spends Thousands From General Fund To Post New Signs At Local Schools That State, “This Is A Smoke-free, Drug-free, Flamin’ Hot Cheeto-free Campus”

Thoughts About The 2012 Presidential Election

I absolutely hate elections, and more specifically years when it‘s time to choose a President!  Looking back, the first time I was authentically enthused with any of the national candidates, was in 1960 when Senator John F. Kennedy was running for the White House.  Being a young, liberal Democrat, I cast my first ever vote for him that year, and when he actually won I thought it was certainly because of ME.  In the end, however, he ultimately lost on November 22, 1963.

The next time I was truly enthused about a candidate, was in 1968 when his brother, Bobby Kennedy, was running for the Oval Office.  This time my enthusiasm was shattered when he was shot and killed at the Ambassador Hotel in Los Angeles after winning the California Primary.  And while my vote had helped him win here, I would never get the chance to vote for him on a national ballot.

As for all the presidential campaigns after that, they simply boiled down to voting for the least objectionable candidate on the ballot, or whoever I deemed to be the best of the worst.  No enthusiasm, no real political passion, just a personal exercise in fulfilling my voting franchise as a good citizen.  How sad a comment is that?

These days, my readers know I view most politicians as corruptible, feed-at-the-public-trough, special interest ass kissers whose main work ethic is positioning themselves for the next election.  And the only thing more distasteful than them, are the surrogate creeps that “spin” their every word in an attempt to stay on whatever script the campaign feels will make them look good, and garner future votes.  In this campaign the BS has been going on for well over a year, and it’s either turned most people’s brains into mush, or just turned them off completely.

I could list a page of other things I hate about elections in general, but one stands out as the most upsetting of all.  If you’re a moderate or conservative in a state like California these days, the vote you cast on election day is absolutely a wasted effort.  I mean, left coast pollsters could accurately predict winners and losers by simply asking ME who or what I just voted for.  That’s because I almost always end up on the losing side, whether it‘s for a specific candidate, a bond issue, or a statewide Proposition.  Oh, what I’d give to live in one of those “swing” states like Ohio, where I could at least embrace the illusion that MY vote will make a difference.  Here, NOT voting left of center is like peeing in the ocean and expecting to see it rise.

So what am I going to do in this election?  Obviously, I’ll bike down to my local polling place and vote as I always do.  But perhaps if I was smart, I’d service my bicycle, pack a huge lunch, and start peddling my ass off towards Ohio.  And were I to  make it there alive, coherent, and on time, maybe for the first time in many years I’d feel like my vote was actually going to count for something.

As to who will get my vote this year, let me tell you a story like one I might use in the Elementary classroom:

“Pretend, Boys and Girls, I inherited an old house that was falling apart, and I hired a contractor who convinced me he was SO DARN GOOD, that in four years my old house would be returned to good or better condition.  When the time was up, however, the house looked pretty much the same, even though the nice contractor had been on the job every day, and spent more money than I actually had.  Beyond that, some of the house looked even worse than it had when he first started, and his only explanation was that the bid he had won turned out to be VERY difficult.  Seems like he’d need four more years to deliver on his promises and fulfill the contract.

Now, this contractor was certainly a nice guy, and convincing in his promises to do better.  But the fact was, I had had to live in the broken down house during the first four years of his “fixing up” efforts, and that had been very hard on me, my family, and the neighborhood.  So the thought of having to do the same for another four years, plus me steadily losing confidence that this man and his company were even able to do the job, I turned to “Angie’s List” to find another contractor who might fix my house more quickly, and do it effectively.

In the process I heard about someone who claimed to have strong rebuilding credentials, and confidence in his ability to turn projects like mine around.  Realizing he certainly couldn’t do worse than the first contractor, common sense said to let the first one go and hire the replacement… with hopes that he and his workers could accomplish what the first hadn’t, or perhaps couldn’t.  In short, Boys and Girls, it was nothing personal. My switch of contractors was a simple business decision based on practical necessity.”

That said, Columnist Hal Lancaster once wrote this line that seems to sum it all up:  “Getting fired is nature’s way of telling you that you had the wrong job in the first place.”  Based on that, and despite my dismal winning record, let’s just say that this year I’m voting as a serious environmentalist… with a willingness to do what I can to help Mother Nature out!

That’s how the Paisano sees it, lose or win.  And, OH, by the way… don’t forget to honk if you pass me peddling east to Ohio!
 

A Way To Find My Old Stuff

This post is simply an index of all the things I’ve written since this Blog began.  I’m sure there was a more savvy way to do it with direct links and all, but since I’m technically challenged and couldn’t find a “gadget” to accomplish the task, I thought I’d just list every post since the beginning, for those who want to read older stuff on a variety of topics.

The posts are listed from oldest to newest.  The last portion of each URL gives the title of the post on that date.  Skimming just that part, gives you a pretty good idea of what the post is about.  You can go to that specific post by highlighting its entire address, “copying” it to your browser’s address bar, then clicking the “GO” icon.

 Of course, if you want to review posts by subject matter, you can just click on a specific heading in the “Labels/Tags” column in the right margin.  I hope this helps those of you who haven’t been with me since the beginning, and don’t have hours to plow through stuff that preceded your arrival.  And, thanks to my small but loyal band of readers who drop by every now and then!  Peace!

Paisano 

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http://theprattlingpaisano.blogspot.com/2010/07/what-heck-am-i-doing-here.html    

http://theprattlingpaisano.blogspot.com/2010/07/artichokes-who-would-have-known_14.html      

http://theprattlingpaisano.blogspot.com/2010/07/safe-harbor-captain-phil.html          

http://theprattlingpaisano.blogspot.com/2010/07/something-creative-from-past_18.html             

http://theprattlingpaisano.blogspot.com/2010/07/keep-your-fingers-outa-my-happy-meal.html               

http://theprattlingpaisano.blogspot.com/2010/07/forgive-me-little-black-sambo-i-let-you.html             

http://theprattlingpaisano.blogspot.com/2010/07/happy-birthday-to-my-diabetic-friends.html          

http://theprattlingpaisano.blogspot.com/2010/07/mayhem-in-express-checkout-line.html                   

http://theprattlingpaisano.blogspot.com/2010/08/spam-e-mails-can-they-really-improve-my.html            

http://theprattlingpaisano.blogspot.com/2010/08/political-porn-courtesy-of-washington.html              

http://theprattlingpaisano.blogspot.com/2010/08/three-things-i-need-to-bag-and-toss.html             

http://theprattlingpaisano.blogspot.com/2010/08/another-washington-payoff-another.html              

http://theprattlingpaisano.blogspot.com/2010/08/another-creative-bit-from-past-teachers.html          

http://theprattlingpaisano.blogspot.com/2010/08/little-kids-highly-underrated.html             

http://theprattlingpaisano.blogspot.com/2010/08/elvis-presley-remembered.html         

http://theprattlingpaisano.blogspot.com/2010/08/practical-suggestions-for-new-school.html              

http://theprattlingpaisano.blogspot.com/2010/08/municipal-bonds-or-voluntary-bondage.html           
        
http://theprattlingpaisano.blogspot.com/2010/o9/what-happened-to-honest-discourse.html

http://theprattlingpaisano.blogspot.com/2010/09/why-I-don’t-tweet-twitter-or-talk-like_07.html

http://theprattlingpaisano.blogspot.com/2010/09/conspiracy-theories-about-september.html                 

http://theprattlingpaisano.blogspot.com/2010/09/something-from-paisanos-e-mail-file.html             

http://theprattlingpaisano.blogspot.com/2010/09/kids-view-on-illegal-immigration.html             

http://theprattlingpaisano.blogspot.com/2010/09/glimpse-back-at-print-advertising_24.html         
              
http://theprattlingpaisano.blogspot.com/2011/02/its-wonder-im-still-alive.html
   
http://theprattlingpaisano.blogspot.com/2011/02/my-teenage-escape-from-alcatraz.html            

http://theprattlingpaisano.blogspot.com/2011/03/more-stuff-for-bs-bag.html             

http://theprattlingpaisano.blogspot.com/2011/03/truth-it-all-depends-on-your-point-of.html              

http://theprattlingpaisano.blogspot.com/2011/03/suggestion-for-new-survivor-series.html           

http://theprattlingpaisano.blogspot.com/2011/04/cable-television-todays-traveling.html           

http://theprattlingpaisano.blogspot.com/2011/05/another-diabetic-treat.html               

http://theprattlingpaisano.blogspot.com/2011/05/science-and-religion-compatible.html          

http://theprattlingpaisano.blogspot.com/2011/06/fortune-cookie-messages-lets-get-real.html           

http://theprattlingpaisano.blogspot.com/2011/06/hardest-letters-I-ever-had-to-write.html
           
http://theprattlingpaisano.blogspot.com/2011/07/improve-your-mental-health-talk-to.html             

http://theprattlingpaisano.blogspot.com/2011/07/one-year-of-prattling-who-would-have.html         

http://theprattlingpaisano.blogspot.com/2011/07/when-love-goes-down-drain.html               

http://theprattlingpaisano.blogspot.com/2011/07/new-type-of-post-named-after-tiny-pasta.html        

http://theprattlingpaisano.blogspot.com/2011/07/with-gratitude-to-mighty-oak.html          

http://theprattlingpaisano.blogspot.com/2011/07/living-among-dinosaurs.html           

http://theprattlingpaisano.blogspot.com/2011/12/when-life-itself-was-green-movemet.html
          
http://theprattlingpaisano.blogspot.com/2011/12/diet-that-reflects-times.html           

http://theprattlingpaisano.blogspot.com/2011/12/male-and-female-compatibility-another.html              

http://theprattlingpaisano.blogspot.com/2011/12/preparations-for-new-year.html           

http://theprattlingpaisano.blogspot.com/2012/01/my-theory-on-how-they-found-osama-bin.html        

http://theprattlingpaisano.blogspot.com/2012/01/role-model-with-mask-and-gun.html          

http://theprattlingpaisano.blogspot.com/2012/01/kids-view-on-dealing-with-world-bullies.html           

http://theprattlingpaisano.blogspot.com/2012/02/about-parent-teacher-conferences.html

http://theprattlingpaisano.blogspot.com/2012/02/feeling-at-home-in-ninety-nine-cent.html           

http://theprattlingpaisano.blogspot.com/2012/02/success-is-only-signup-away.html
   
http://theprattlingpaisano.blogspot.com/2012/03/you-cannot-multiply-wealth-by-dividing.html            

http://theprattlingpaisano.blogspot.com/2012/03/chopping-away-at-bad-word-choice.html             

http://theprattlingpaisano.blogspot.com/2012/03/is-it-authentic-or-high-tech-forgery.html         

http://theprattlingpaisano.blogspot.com/2012/03/my-take-on-hbos-game-change.html              

http://theprattlingpaisano.blogspot.com/2012/04/abbot-and-costello-discuss-government.html                 

http://theprattlingpaisano.blogspot.com/2012/04/learning-from-firsthand-experience.html               

http://theprattlingpaisano.blogspot.com/2012/04/jaywalking-on-history-street.html                

http://theprattlingpaisano.blogspot.com/2012/04/tribute-to-patience-and-love.html            

http://theprattlingpaisano.blogspot.com/2012/05/hey-weight-just-darn-minute.html                

http://theprattlingpaisano.blogspot.com/2012/05/disappointment-at-30000-feet.html     

http://theprattlingpaisano.blogspot.com/2012/05/some-time-ago-reader-said-she-thought-i.html        

http://theprattlingpaisano.blogspot.com/2012/06/where-politicians-look-for-solutions.html             

http://theprattlingpaisano.blogspot.com/2012/06/gassed-by-our-own-government_18.html            

http://theprattlingpaisano.blogspot.com/2012/06/three-cheers-for-duct-tape.html           

http://theprattlingpaisano.blogspot.com/2012/07/idiots-among-us.html                 

http://theprattlingpaisano.blogspot.com/2012/07/which-word-says-it-best.html             

http://theprattlingpaisano.blogspot.com/2012/07/no-hassle-corn-on-cob.html              

http://theprattlingpaisano.blogspot.com/2012/07/some-geriatric-humor_30.html            

http://theprattlingpaisano.blogspot.com/2012/08/the-freebie-frenzy-at-costco.html         

http://theprattlingpaisano.blogspot.com/2012/08/e-mail-why-teachers-drink.html            

http://theprattlingpaisano.blogspot.com/2012/08/government-subsidized-porn-in-golden.html          

http://theprattlingpaisano.blogspot.com/2012/09/more-fuzzy-government-math.html             

http://theprattlingpaisano.blogspot.com/2012/09/the-mayan-calendar-and-end-of-time.html             

http://theprattlingpaisano.blogspot.com/2012/09/bulge-or-weapon-of-mass-destruction.html           

http://theprattlingpaisano.blogspot.com/2012/10/the-bs-bag-is-back.html        

http://theprattlingpaisano.blogspot.com/2012/10/more-from-mighty-oak.html

http://theprattlingpaisano.blogspot.com/2012/10/a-way-to-find-my-old-stuff.html

http://theprattlingpaisano.blogspot.com/2012/10/thoughts-on-2012-presidential-election.html

http://theprattlingpaisano.blogspot.com/2012/11/the-attack-on-childhood-by-frito-lay.html

http://theprattlingpaisano.blogspot.com/2012/11/inside-special-ops-mission.html 

http://theprattlingpaisano.blogspot.com/2012/11/memories-of-jfk-assassination.html

http://theprattlingpaisano.blogspot.com/2012/11/my-first-new-car.html

http://theprattlingpaisano.blogspot.com/2012/12/if-whales-can-sing-so-can-we.html

http://theprattlingpaisano.blogspot.com/2012/12/a-dental-patients-view-of-mayan-calendar_16.html

http://theprattlingpaisano.blogspot.com/2012/12/santa-cant-so-i-will.html

http://theprattlingpaisano.blogspot.com/2013/01/in-defense-of-dirty-old-men.html

http://theprattlingpaisano.blogspot.com/2013/01/prattling-in-local-newspaper.html

http://theprattlingpaisano.blogspot.com/2013/01/deer-me-another-california-study_21.html 

http://theprattlingpaisano.blogspot.com/2013/02/fortune-cookie-messages-for-pessimists.html

http://theprattlingpaisano.blogspot.com/2013/02/get-interested-in-interest.html

http://theprattlingpaisano.blogspot.com/2013/02/to-immigration-reform-advocates-fight.html

http://theprattlingpaisano.blogspot.com/2013/03/get-heck-out-of-my-way.html

http://theprattlingpaisano.blogspot.com/2013/03/confessions-of-energy-vampire.html

http://theprattlingpaisano.blogspot.com/2013/03/let-music-play-on.html

http://theprattlingpaisano.blogspot.com/2013/04/young-paisano-public-prattler.html

http://theprattlingpaisano.blogspot.com/2013/04/oh-how-things-have-changed.html 

 http://theprattlingpaisano.blogspot.com/2013/04/california-not-so-golden-state.html

http://theprattlingpaisano.blogspot.com/2013/05/the-slippery-slope-gets-slipperier.html 

http://theprattlingpaisano.blogspot.com/2013/05/children-and-self-esteem.html

http://theprattlingpaisano.blogspot.com/2013/05/the-instinct-to-get-around-stuff.html

http://theprattlingpaisano.blogspot.com/2013/06/the-death-rattles-of-paisanos-prattles.html 

http://theprattlingpaisano.blogspot.com/2013/06/the-famous-feline-got-it-right.html

 http://theprattlingpaisano.blogspot.com/2013/07/for-better-or-worse-boys-will-be-boys.html

http://theprattlingpaisano.blogspot.com/2013/07/romance-at-local-park.html

http://theprattlingpaisano.blogspot.com/2013/07/another-attack-on-fortune-cookie.html 

 http://theprattlingpaisano.blogspot.com/2013/12/woes-of-solitary-man.html

More From The Mighty Oak

The other night I was flipping through the channels when I came across the last of the Harry Potter movies.  Now, while I’m not a rabid fan of the series, I have seen bits and pieces of each movie on HBO.  In this final installment, the evil Lord Voldemort raids the tomb of Hogwart’s Head Master, Dumbledore, in order to steal the powerful and sought after Elder Wand.  He plans to become its true master, which would make him not only invincible, but give him immortality in the Wizarding World.

Supposedly this “Wand of Destiny” was made of wood from the elder tree, a member of the Honeysuckle family which is sacred in Magic and Witchcraft lore.   I had never actually seen its design  before, that is until it was being taken from Dumbledore’s burial vault in the movie.  For just a short moment, the camera zoomed in for a close-up of the object.  And distinctly apart from the fictional element of its magic, I was immediately overcome by it’s simplistic beauty and artistic craftsmanship.

 Now as you might know, I love objects made of wood. (See post #38, July 2011).  And oak has long been my favorite from which to fashion things.  So seeing the Elder Wand up close prompted me to go out to the workshop and give the whole wand making thing a try.  What I ended up crafting was not the Elder Wand itself, but two others that just “emerged” as the wood and I interacted.  They’re solid oak, of course, and all you have to do is feel their rugged but delicate smoothness in your hand, to know there’s magic in them somewhere.

The BS Bag Is Back !

You may have noticed that I haven’t gotten the BS Bag out for quite some time.  That could seem to indicate that either the sources of aggravation in my life have dried up, or I’m heavily sedating myself so as not to notice.  In truth, both reasons are inaccurate.  For, some time ago I decided to use this special container for only the most outrageous and disturbing stuff I encounter on my daily trek.  And, the incident that “ticked me off” had to cause a blood pressure elevation of at least 180 over 100 before committing it to writing.

Well, today I got my latest property tax bill.  Immediately I was hit with a flashback of what made my sphygmomanometer blow up last year when I tried to, (for the first time I must add), pay these taxes electronically.  And since I consider what happened then to be bullshit of the vilest vintage, I thought it good therapy to finally exhume the distasteful memory, and give it a proper burial in today's bag.

Here’s what happened.  The electronic process forewarned, that if I used a credit card to pay the tax bill, a “Convenience Fee,” (whatever that is), would be assessed and added to the total.  Now in my book, any added fee is certainly not convenient.  But sometimes one finds himself in a weaken state due to fighting the “system,” and simply not in the mood to quibble over small issues of little practical consequence.  I mean, even an unexplained amount of five or so bucks wasn’t going to sabotage my budget for the month.  So I filled in the necessary information and proceeded to the “Check Out” page.

This is where the excrement hit the fan !!  In the box that represented the so-called “Convenience Fee,” I found a number more odious and ethically immoral than I could have imagined.  For someone’s “convenience,” (certainly not MINE), they had the nerve to access a total of THIRTY-FIVE DOLLARS !!  Not only that, in red there was a disclaimer that the “convenience fee” would NOT be going to the tax assessor, but to an outside agency that processes credit card payments.

Now, I assume the “outside agency” was the credit card company, itself.  And I’m almost positive I know why they wanted to charge me $35.00 up front.  It’s because they knew the chances of them making any money on this type of transaction, were questionable at best.  It had nothing to do with “convenience” of any sort.  They anticipated that I (and others like me who might use their credit cards to pay taxes), would be paying the full balance when it was due, and NOT sending in a “minimum” payment.  So they colluded with the bureaucrats to include their service fee up front, as part of the overall tax payment.

Now, if there’s one thing I hate, it’s an opportunist. And if there’s one thing I hate even more, it’s more than one opportunist teaming up to take advantage of me.  So the combination of a taxing agency AND a credit card company in cahoots, adds up to appropriate content for anyone's B.S. bag.  In the end, of course, I didn’t end up paying my tax bill using a credit card.  For MY convenience, I sent them a check which cost me nothing.

I’m thinking that maybe when I pay this newest bill, I should seriously consider showing the assessor’s office how repulsive I find  their monetary collusion with private sector Shylocks.  It might be as simple as just boxing up and shipping them the amount of taxes I owe… all in those rolls of PENNIES I've been saving over the years.  A rough calculation tells me it would add up to about 900 POUNDS of coins they’d have to process in order to call us even.   Now for me, it certainly would be a “convenient” way to get rid of all those pennies.  And for the tax assessor and his minions, it might be a “hands on” way to learn this concept: One person’s convenience, is another person’s pain in the ass.
 

Bulge, Or Weapon Of Mass Destruction?

Much has been said about the hit-and-miss way TSA agents  choose people to pat down at airport security checkpoints.  They have had their hands all over travelers as young as toddlers, and their mitts on seniors as old as Methuselah.  They have yanked people out of wheel chairs, babies out of carriers, and removed prosthetic limbs to search spaces filled only milliseconds before by amputated stubs.

Now, I don’t know if pulling aside and patting down such non-suspicious travelers is straight out of the TSA training manual, or just blatant on-the-job exploitation of a particular fetish.  All I know is that in “profiling” terms, toddlers and crippled old folks don’t meet my criteria of hardened terrorists, or passengers that might put a flight it jeopardy… that is, unless the toddler fills a stinky diaper after takeoff, or the senior ingested cabbage soup at an airport diner just before boarding.

It's a fact that airports have spent millions of dollars on fancy machines to expose those who might want to cause terror in the skies.  But even those don’t always distinguish the good guys from the bad.  A recent case at the San Francisco Airport proves my point.  TSA agents noticed a “suspicious” bulge in the pants of a male traveler.  Not sure whether it was contraband, or just the fact he was happy to see them, they had him step into the body scanner for further inspection.  Indeed, it did show a massive bulge on his thigh.  When asked if he had a growth “down there,” he bluntly told them it was his “d_ _k.”  Caught off guard by his candid admission, the embarrassed TSA agents thanked him for his time and let him go through.

That said, if TSA agents frisk kids and geriatric grandmas, it’s my opinion they should have asked this gentleman into a secure room and told him to drop his pants.  After all, a $170,000 piece of taxpayer paid-for technology had just deemed him “suspicious.”  Why take his word that the bulge was nothing more than a long shlong?  Everyone understands how clever terrorists can be these days.  For all those TSA agents knew he could have been concealing a  hose bomb down there, or a sausage casing full of C4 explosives.  Or it might have been a condom full of deadly nerve gas ready to release at 20,000 feet, or an anesthetized snake he planned to revive and let loose on the plane.  I mean, come on……the possibilities are endless.

In airport terms, then, the truth about a suspicious “protrusion” in one’s pants should rise or fall on its merit, not the word of the person involved.  And, considering that TSA agents continue to frisk children and seniors on a regular basis, they need to deal with such bulges in a more direct and hands-on manner.  After all, embarrassment should not keep one from doing his or her job in an effective manner, especially since “embarrassment” has never stopped TSA agents from questionable searches in the past.

Finally, lest you think I feel so strongly about this issue because it is rumored that the last time I went through an airport scanner my profile generated TSA questions as to whether I had undergone a sex change operation, that would be incorrect.  There were absolutely no questions asked.  After the scan they simply waved me through with a polite, “Thank you for your cooperation, Mam.”

The Mayan Calendar and the End Of Time

It intrigues me that so much is being made of the supposed ending of the Mayan Long Count Calendar in three months.  Just because in coincides with the alignment of the sun and Milky Way galaxy for the first time in 26,000 years, “doom and gloomers,” as well as “end time” theorists are convinced that buying Christmas presents this year will be a waste of money.  After all, according to them there won’t be anyone left after December 21st to give them to.

Now, nothing is beyond the realm of possibility.  But perhaps those worrying about the issue should replace some of their emotion with objective consideration of what is actually known.  First, despite human predictions of world calamity, the calendar itself never predicted any sort of doomsday result.  And if that were not enough, the calendar really doesn’t end on December 21st, anyway.  Murals have been found in the jungles of Guatemala that extend it MANY years into the future.  Looks like Christmas shopping is on this year, after all.

Now, just for discussion, let’s say that the Mayan calendar DID end on December 21st.  Why should its abrupt conclusion be so quickly equated to deadly meteorite showers or a reversal of the Earth‘s magnetic fields?  After all, things end suddenly all the time, and usually for much simpler and less sinister reasons.  Consider these mundane possibilities:
 

-  The head Mayan calendar scribe retired, and his apprentice son decided there was more profit in making ceremonial headdresses than carrying on the traditional family business.

-  The price of mural space in caves and huts became too expensive due to inflated real estate costs, and calendar making was priced out of the market.

-  There was a sudden infestation of bark beetles that destroyed the natural material needed to make the bark-paper books in which many scribes recorded calendar data.

-  The Mayan Calendar Union went on strike for higher wages, and found out it was easier to go on unemployment insurance than to actually go back to work.

-  Mayan Calendar makers gave up their craft due to constant complaints from customers that the calendars lacked portability and couldn’t be carried in belt pouches.

-  Finally, the Mayan calendar really didn’t end as abruptly as was thought.  Those strange glyphs at the end of the text (and soon to be translated), will say the following: “etc., etc., etc.”