Get The Heck Out Of My Way !

One of the realities of getting older, is that you only have a limited number of days left before it’s your turn to part the veil that separates human existence from whatever comes next.  With that increasingly on my mind, I’ve noticed that lately I’ve become easily irritated by the dipshits around me that are slowing me down as I go about my daily business.

These transgressors come in all ages, sizes, and shapes.  But the one unifying character flaw they share, is that each seems oblivious to the simple concepts of advanced planning and organization.  In other words, they’re out there in the world fumbling around in a comatose fashion over things that should be quick and routine.  And while they’re doing it, they’re slowing ME down !

Take, for example, the blockhead ahead of me at the drive-through mailbox at our local Post Office.  First of all, by the pile of mail he was depositing, he should have been driving a skip loader instead of a car.  Were that not bad enough, he had pulled up a little too far and positioned himself at an awkward angle to easily reach the mail slot.  Of course, instead of backing up he twisted his arms through the window like a contortionist, then began putting his letters in the box ONE BY ONE.  It appeared he was checking the front of each envelope for a stamp and correct address, then flipping it over to make sure it was correctly sealed.  (Perhaps he was worried that some sinister bacteria might creep into an inadvertent glue gap and spread plague and pestilence across the postal community.)  Anyway, just as I was getting ready to ram his car on behalf of the six ticked-off postal patrons behind me, he finished his delivery.  Of course, before pulling away he also took an additional moment to stick his head out of the window and try to look down the mail slot, while feeling inside it as far as his fingers could probe.  Perhaps he was trying to determine if gravity had done its job correctly in the deposit process.  Or maybe he was just a retired Proctologist.

Then there was that lady lunatic in front of me in the long Costco gas lines, who began to clean out her dumpster of a car after she was done pumping gas.  Not only did she remove an assorted array of crap from its interior, she also opened the trunk to remove some empty beer cans and other assorted debris.  The guy behind me tried honking at her, but she stared him down as if to say, “You ain’t seen nothing yet, Pal.  I still have to change my oil and do a light tune-up!”  Of course, before she got in her car to leave, she slowly and deliberately walked around the vehicle inspecting her tires, as if to insure they had enough air and tread to make it safely to the Costco Warehouse just fifty yards away.  What a freaking idiot !

There are scores of other lamebrains that slow things up for impatient types like me.  I’m sure you know them well.  The person who decides what they want to order AFTER reaching the counter at a fast food restaurant, even though they’ve been standing in line under a six by eight foot menu board for the last five minutes.  And the financial genius who “just knows” she has a coupon in her bulging pouch which will save her five cents on a purchase, but didn’t take the time to find it before she got to the checkout counter.  Or the guy in the crammed parking lot who gets into his car, but before pulling out to relinquish his sought after spot, triple checks his gauges, eats a light snack, sets his GPS, then tweets he’s finally putting it into reverse because a number of motorists have gotten out of their cars and are advancing towards him with tire irons.

Hey, there are only twenty-four hours in a day and I need every second of them.  So, as “senior” as it might sound, I absolutely resent being forced to wait just because the “fumble nuts” among us can’t get their acts together.  After all, I didn’t retire from teaching to become a waiter !!