Bulge, Or Weapon Of Mass Destruction?

Much has been said about the hit-and-miss way TSA agents  choose people to pat down at airport security checkpoints.  They have had their hands all over travelers as young as toddlers, and their mitts on seniors as old as Methuselah.  They have yanked people out of wheel chairs, babies out of carriers, and removed prosthetic limbs to search spaces filled only milliseconds before by amputated stubs.

Now, I don’t know if pulling aside and patting down such non-suspicious travelers is straight out of the TSA training manual, or just blatant on-the-job exploitation of a particular fetish.  All I know is that in “profiling” terms, toddlers and crippled old folks don’t meet my criteria of hardened terrorists, or passengers that might put a flight it jeopardy… that is, unless the toddler fills a stinky diaper after takeoff, or the senior ingested cabbage soup at an airport diner just before boarding.

It's a fact that airports have spent millions of dollars on fancy machines to expose those who might want to cause terror in the skies.  But even those don’t always distinguish the good guys from the bad.  A recent case at the San Francisco Airport proves my point.  TSA agents noticed a “suspicious” bulge in the pants of a male traveler.  Not sure whether it was contraband, or just the fact he was happy to see them, they had him step into the body scanner for further inspection.  Indeed, it did show a massive bulge on his thigh.  When asked if he had a growth “down there,” he bluntly told them it was his “d_ _k.”  Caught off guard by his candid admission, the embarrassed TSA agents thanked him for his time and let him go through.

That said, if TSA agents frisk kids and geriatric grandmas, it’s my opinion they should have asked this gentleman into a secure room and told him to drop his pants.  After all, a $170,000 piece of taxpayer paid-for technology had just deemed him “suspicious.”  Why take his word that the bulge was nothing more than a long shlong?  Everyone understands how clever terrorists can be these days.  For all those TSA agents knew he could have been concealing a  hose bomb down there, or a sausage casing full of C4 explosives.  Or it might have been a condom full of deadly nerve gas ready to release at 20,000 feet, or an anesthetized snake he planned to revive and let loose on the plane.  I mean, come on……the possibilities are endless.

In airport terms, then, the truth about a suspicious “protrusion” in one’s pants should rise or fall on its merit, not the word of the person involved.  And, considering that TSA agents continue to frisk children and seniors on a regular basis, they need to deal with such bulges in a more direct and hands-on manner.  After all, embarrassment should not keep one from doing his or her job in an effective manner, especially since “embarrassment” has never stopped TSA agents from questionable searches in the past.

Finally, lest you think I feel so strongly about this issue because it is rumored that the last time I went through an airport scanner my profile generated TSA questions as to whether I had undergone a sex change operation, that would be incorrect.  There were absolutely no questions asked.  After the scan they simply waved me through with a polite, “Thank you for your cooperation, Mam.”

The Mayan Calendar and the End Of Time

It intrigues me that so much is being made of the supposed ending of the Mayan Long Count Calendar in three months.  Just because in coincides with the alignment of the sun and Milky Way galaxy for the first time in 26,000 years, “doom and gloomers,” as well as “end time” theorists are convinced that buying Christmas presents this year will be a waste of money.  After all, according to them there won’t be anyone left after December 21st to give them to.

Now, nothing is beyond the realm of possibility.  But perhaps those worrying about the issue should replace some of their emotion with objective consideration of what is actually known.  First, despite human predictions of world calamity, the calendar itself never predicted any sort of doomsday result.  And if that were not enough, the calendar really doesn’t end on December 21st, anyway.  Murals have been found in the jungles of Guatemala that extend it MANY years into the future.  Looks like Christmas shopping is on this year, after all.

Now, just for discussion, let’s say that the Mayan calendar DID end on December 21st.  Why should its abrupt conclusion be so quickly equated to deadly meteorite showers or a reversal of the Earth‘s magnetic fields?  After all, things end suddenly all the time, and usually for much simpler and less sinister reasons.  Consider these mundane possibilities:
 

-  The head Mayan calendar scribe retired, and his apprentice son decided there was more profit in making ceremonial headdresses than carrying on the traditional family business.

-  The price of mural space in caves and huts became too expensive due to inflated real estate costs, and calendar making was priced out of the market.

-  There was a sudden infestation of bark beetles that destroyed the natural material needed to make the bark-paper books in which many scribes recorded calendar data.

-  The Mayan Calendar Union went on strike for higher wages, and found out it was easier to go on unemployment insurance than to actually go back to work.

-  Mayan Calendar makers gave up their craft due to constant complaints from customers that the calendars lacked portability and couldn’t be carried in belt pouches.

-  Finally, the Mayan calendar really didn’t end as abruptly as was thought.  Those strange glyphs at the end of the text (and soon to be translated), will say the following: “etc., etc., etc.”

More “Fuzzy” Government Math

Awhile back I took a break from partying with all those hot cuties at the Senior Citizen Home, and watched two panels being questioned on C-SPAN at the “House Oversight and Government Reform Committee Hearings.”  The topic in question was the latest “Labor Department Jobs Report,” with special scrutiny on the GREEN JOBS statistics.

Now, my concept of a green job has always been centered around  employment in the fields of emerging or advanced technology.  It has included scientists and engineers working on alternative fuels, technicians that assemble and maintain solar panels and wind turbines, workers who install devices like smoke stack “scrubbers” which reduce harmful emissions, or employees that build, sell, and service electric cars.  With that mental construct in mind, then, it’s been difficult for me to fathom the government’s claim that millions of NEW green jobs were created in the past three years.
 

I guess what confused me was the term “created.”  Assuming the word’s traditional definition which is, “bringing into being: causing to exist,” it was hard to imagine that so many new jobs could be added in this stagnant economy, without noticeable improvement occurring.  Come to find out, however, that’s because Washington uses its own kind of “fuzzy” math meant to make politicians look good, while tossing traditional definitions out the window.

Based on the hearings, then, this is how those millions of “NEW” green jobs were added in this lousy economy.  Simply put, the Feds once again compiled their data using a contrived definition that suited their statistical needs.  Conveniently included with jobs in fields such as renewable fuels, alternative ecological strategies, and other high tech environmental solutions, were American workers who do the following:

Now, while one might argue that these jobs do help improve the environment, let’s get real.  None of them is NEW in any sense other than its reclassification.  Each has been around for years, just like the dishonesty of the political hacks in Washington who always seem to use laundered statistics for personal gain.
 

In my opinion, the only jobs that should have been counted in the Federal “green” employment statistics, were those newly created and highly beneficial to the environment.  (And sorry, “Guy Who Sweeps the Garage Where Propane Busses Are Housed,” yours is NOT in that category.)  Such lists should include employees of companies that manufacture appliances like… let’s say, “fart filters,” (methane flatulence traps that can be affixed below the tail of every dairy cow in the United States to reduce air pollution).  And, should other creative firms invent and start producing devices that can be strapped over the mouths of politicians to fight global warming by reducing the “hot air” they spew each time they speak, their workers should be added to the totals, as well, and deemed the most important NEW “green” jobs ever created.