Hey, Weight Just A Darn Minute……!!!

For years I’ve been wondering who in the heck makes up those “ideal” weight charts that pop up in books and magazines every now and then?  For every time I compare their poundage to the actual weight displayed on my trusty bathroom scale, I’m never even close to what they say I should weigh to meet reasonable health standards.

I’m bringing this whole thing up because recently I got back the results of a medical test that oldsters like me are subject to  take every now and then.  And though it was not meant to be  weight related, in a box at the top of the page next to my height and weight, was the label, “OBESE.”  Now, I’m no fashion model by any stretch of the imagination.  If anything, I’m more like a Model T Ford.  But obese???  The nerve of whoever prepared that report!  I mean, they’ve never even seen me in person.  They drew their conclusions using one of those “ideal weight” charts that were devised in Bangladesh using patients who suffered through decades of famine.

In anticipation of this post, then, I checked out about a dozen weight charts on-line.  Looking under the maximum allowed weights with a “big frame,” (whatever that means), the range of difference between their lowest number and 150 pounds, was SHOCKING!  (I used 150 pounds as my weight, because though I’m more than that now, it’s what I weighed when I got out of the Army fifty years ago.  And at that point I was in the best shape of my life… strong, lean, and without an extra inch to pinch.)  Worst scenario, then, at 150  I was still overweight by 32.3 pounds according to the one chart.  Best scenario, I was 12 pounds over my ideal weight on the heavier chart, even with the presumption that I had one of those “big“ undercarriages they mentioned.

Of course, to all of this I say, “Bologna!” This whole thing is downright scandalous.  I mean, if I was that badly overweight, my ever vigilant doctors would rough me up like they were loan sharks back in the old neighborhood, “reminding” me I had missed my last couple of payments.  Not only that, even though I am short in stature , I still wouldn’t seem so shrimpy in a crowd of my fellow citizens, who these days are more “full figured“ than not.  And I certainly wouldn’t be totally blocked from sight when almost any one of them happened to pass in front of me.

So, could I stand to lose a few pounds?  Absolutely.  But even at my present weight, by every other measure besides those charts, I’m OK.  I guess that’s the problem when humans try to find the “ideal” state of anything.  We tend to get carried away, and often set the bar at somewhat unrealistic levels.  Besides that, in the case of weight charts, the wide variance in the numbers they present as fact, tells me they’re probably based on someone’s opinion rather than specific medical criteria.

Anyway, not to sound self-righteous here, but if the charts are correct and I truly am obese, then new weight categories must be established to account for the growing number of folks I see, whose growing girth and rotundity make me look reasonably slim. Perhaps the chart makers could just keep it simple by adding a column called, “obeser,” another labeled, “obesest,” and a super classification for the very largest of our friends and neighbors called, “obeast.”  But even if they do, I have a plan to circumvent  future attempts to fit me into ANY of these corpulent categories.  I’m going to move to The Republic of Nauru in the South Pacific, and start taking my medical tests there.  Since 95% of their population is overweight, it won’t be long before I’m known as the “Puny” Paisano.