When Love Goes Down The Drain

When marriage goes bad, sometimes it REALLY goes bad. Take the recent case of a Southern California woman who in the midst of a rancorous divorce, gave new meaning to the phrase, “Cut and run.” In her case, she “cut” off her husband’s penis, so she could “run” it down the garbage disposal.

Yes, this scorned female spiked her husband’s dinner, and after he went to bed feeling sick, tied him to the bed and filleted his tube steak with a ten inch butcher knife. Then, to make sure it would be difficult to reassemble, (or perhaps to save space in the local landfill), she tossed it in the garbage disposal and flipped the switch.

The reason she did the latter, remains unexplained. Certainly, if her disposal was as old as mine, she should have known that anything beyond the consistency of soggy bread had little chance of being ground up and eliminated as evidence. Perhaps in her agitated state, her only purpose for doing so was to further humiliate the little nublet, or at least mutilate the shape of its cleanly severed end so it would never fit back as a matching puzzle piece.

Now, domestic violence upon small and defenseless members of society, is nothing new. For those old enough to remember, almost twenty years ago the infamous Lorena Bobbitt performed the same kind of amputation on her husband. In that case, however, she tossed the snippet out her car window into a field next to the road, thinking perhaps the critters who lived there would snack away the evidence. To her dismay, however, a searcher (who was heard to call out, “Uh, is this it?) recovered the pruned penis from the weeds, and rushed it to the “Lost and Found” desk at the hospital where it was cleaned up and reattached to its original owner.

All this said, what, if anything, can women learn from this story? First of all, if you going to cut off your husbands penis, calling 911 to report it as a medical emergency will NOT be interpreted as the act of a Good Samaritan.

And saying the whole thing happened because “he deserved it,” won’t keep you from getting cuffed and hauled away. After all, most likely the responding officers will be male. And as your husband is wheeled by moaning on the gurney, most of them will instinctively cross their hands in front of their groins, and sympathetically conclude they “feel his pain.”

Men can learn a lot from this story, as well. First of all, if your marriage is in trouble, remove all sharp knives from the home and start using plastic. At least a knife made of that would required a sawing action to cut through human tissue, which should give you enough time to wake up and try to escape.

In addition to a more prudent selection of cutting utensils, refrain from having your soon to be ex-wife make dinner for you. Be suspicious if she suggests any menu that includes hotdog segments, such as beans and franks. Also, be at least leery if she brews soup from scratch using various unmarked cans and bottles with the labels removed, or stirs what’s in the pot with a butcher knife instead of using a wooden spoon.

And, REALLY pay attention if she starts humming Connie Francis’s version of the song, “You Always Hurt the One You Love” to herself while she's cooking, or runs the garbage disposal over and over, but neither turns on the water or puts anything in it. Perhaps, if she’s just standing there humming and listening to it whir, a good possibility exists that she’s fantasizing about something quite unrelated to cleaning up after meal preparation.

Finally, if you’re filing for divorce, be careful the grounds upon which you base the dissolution. How ironic would it be to hear your raving spouse yell back at you as she’s being taken away…, “Hey, Jerk, you want irreconcilable differences? Look in the mirror after they take off the bandages.”