Improve Your Mental Health: Talk To Inanimate Objects

Talking to oneself has always been a highly suspicious activity, at least for the observer. I mean, why would someone do such a thing unless he was suffering from something ominous like senility, dementia, or outright phobia, correct? Well personally, I’m not qualified to make that sort of psychological evaluation. I’d like to think that someone does it because there’s no one else around to talk to who’s as bright or interesting as himself.

Now if talking to oneself gets such negative reviews, what must people think about someone who not only does that, but talks to inanimate objects, as well? I mean, that’s got to be another level of insanity altogether, right? Well, maybe not. I’d like to think it’s just an eccentric way of safely complaining about stuff, and getting things off one’s chest without having to actually talk to another human being and face the possibility of destroying his or her psyche in person. (Hmmm, sounds a lot like social networking, doesn't it?)

Anyway, I’ve become comfortable talking to just about anything, including water leaks, user‘s manuals, weeds, and even termite droppings I find scattered around my property. I talk to traffic lights, tight belts, price tags, hair found in brushes, blood test results, and especially annoying people on television who can neither hear nor respond to my comments. And I’ve gotten pretty good at it, too... so much so that I really can’t wait to hear what I’m going to say next. Yes, my creative verbalization with inanimate objects knows no limits, and if you were a dust ball lurking in some dark corner of my house, I might even talk to you next.

Of course, I wouldn’t want to destroy my impeccable reputation for being the patient, mild-mannered, rational, non-impulsive, articulate, clean-spoken person most people think me to be. But if this post is going have any value, I do need to clarify what I mean by the term “talking,” at least when used as a tool for improving mental health. In this case talking means, “emotional outbursts of sarcastic vitriol that cleanse one's disgruntled soul through unsolicited attacks of aggressive and condemnational verbiage.”

Now, for all of you who are visual thinkers, consider it the difference between listening to the charming rhetoric of a "Dr. Jekyll," as he schmoozes at a cocktail party, and the evil rantings of a “Mr. Hyde” as he dementedly mumbles to his straight razor while fantasizing about his next act of mayhem. Got it?

Anyway, the reason I brought it up in the first place, is that in the last few years I’ve found that talking to… alright, “cussing out” inanimate objects IN PRIVATE is a fantastic way to dissipate anxiety and prevent yourself from having a perpetually bad attitude about life. Oh, I know in this era of twittering, tweeting, twanging, and “twying” to sound relevant, people have become accustomed to being brutally candid when commenting about things. Such blatant blabbing, shrouded by the anonymity of hiding behind a cell phone or computer keyboard, makes it not only easy but almost “cool” to unload one’s negative feelings about something or someone else. Of course, that’s because you don’t have to look them in the eyes to do it.

But it boggles my mind as to why today’s social communicators can’t see the major flaw inherent in blowing off steam this way. First of all, the stress relief you experience is only temporary since you NEVER EVER get the last word. Because what you’ve said is floating in cyberspace, your comment will most likely be commented upon many more times by others who disagree and think you‘re a jerk. And what they opine back, never fails to piss you off to a greater degree than you were before you shot off your electronic “mouth“ in the first place.

Nah, there’s a better way to get things off your chest. Here’s a free summary, then, of Paisano’s Plan for Profound Mental Peace:

When you’re alone, away from the presence of all other living creatures, take a moment to thoroughly cuss out whatever makes you mad using any form of expression which matches or exceeds the level of frustration and/or anger you feel. Then, once you’ve drained every ounce of verbal bile from your mind and body, go back and replay the entire tirade in your head. Listen to how profoundly stupid and unhinged you sounded just moments ago, and feel how grateful you are that no one you value heard a single word. Then smile sheepishly, and move on with no regrets. Resume your role in the world as that wonderful, understanding, gentle, empathetic soul that others wish they could be… but always appreciating this fact: It’s SO much easier being that person, once you’ve emptied every emotional cache by privately “addressing” the irritating stuff around you that can’t talk back.