Spam E-Mails: Can They Really Improve My Life?

Every once and awhile I get e-mails from unknown “friends” whose English spelling suggests their IP address might be an undisclosed bunker somewhere in Osama bin Ladin’s part of the world. I’m not sure how anyone from there might actually get my contact information in the first place, but chalk it up to either the wonders of modern technology, or al-Qaeda’s uncanny ability to steal absolutely useless information here in the U.S.

The author always greets me so cheerfully, just like we’d shared a cup of coffee the night before in a mutual cave. And the message, though often grammatically incorrect, strives mainly to convince me that his only purpose for writing is to help me improve various aspects of my life that are lacking, especially two areas.

The first of these is education. This e-mail always seems to begin the following way: “In today’s world, sad to say, it’s simply no longer good enough to just excel at what you do.” Of course, this always starts me thinking. You mean my outstanding ability to putter around the house, water my strawberries, chat with the guy across the street, and write occasional Blog posts are no longer good enough? Yikes! How depressing!!

The e-mail goes on to suggest that getting a university diploma will absolutely change my life, and open new doors for exciting personal advancement, no matter what knob I choose to turn. And, of course, my far-off “friend” is more than willing to supply me with such a customized diploma from the “university of my choice,” and for a very reasonable fee.

What’s best, he unequivocally claims I can qualify without actually taking coursework. It seems, these days, colleges are more than glad to give what’s called, “Recognition of Prior Learning” credits to someone like me who possesses such profound life knowledge and experience. Of course, there is a process to assess all this, but I’d have to dial the listed phone numbers to find out what.

Now, this education offer always brings two questions to mind. First, how much more wonderful could my life be if I added one of their diplomas, to the half dozen I already have lying around the house? And secondly, why the heck didn’t they make me this offer before I spent eighteen tough years in school, slaving to earn the ones I already have?

Honestly, I have considered taking advantage of this intriguing offer, at least someday. My other degrees aside, I think I’d like to add the degree, “Doctorate of Retiremental Pursuits,” to my resume. And just maybe…… after being authorized to use the title “Doctor” in front of my name, I can put on a white smock and catch the eye of a few “younger’ women at the local Convalescent Home.

Finally, the other area of my life that seems to generate e-mail offers of help, is my lackluster gardening ability…… or at least I think that‘s it. I guess with rampant world hunger, there’s a real concern about being able to sustain oneself by growing things.

Anyway, every so often a nice Dr. Maxman offers me special “additives” he claims will result in “fast and effective growth and enlargement.” He goes even further by guaranteeing that, “My little sprout will grow.” Sounds intriguing, I must admit, but for now I think I’ll pass. After all, it’s really too late in my planting season for his special fertilizer to do much good.