Some Geriatric Humor

This is just a fun post, to which I have nothing original to add.  I received it as an e-mail from some dear friends, and was delighted by the humorous but insightful manner it approached the subject of getting old.  Enjoy.

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The Importance of Walking

Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old
To spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
Home at $4,000 per month.

My grandpa started walking
Five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old
And we have no idea where the hell he is.

I like long walks,
Especially when they are taken
By people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking
Is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning,
Before my brain figures out what I'm doing...

The Importance of Exercising

I joined a health club last year,
Spent about 250 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there!

Every time I hear the dirty word “exercise,”

I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

I do have flabby thighs,

But fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day

Is so when you die, they'll say,

'Well, he looks good doesn't he?'

I know I got a lot of exercise
The last few years,......
Just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older,
Because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Every time I start thinking too much
About how I look,
I just find a pub with a Happy Hour
And by the time I leave,
I look just fine.

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Photo Credits to: Sandi V.  www.wackywits.com
 

No Hassle Corn On The Cob

I have bad news and good news.  The bad news is that corn futures went up 40% from last month’s lows because of the  extreme drought farmers are experiencing in the Midwest.  If that wasn’t enough, when the price of corn goes up it raises food prices in general, so we’re all going to need a few extra shekels in our wallets or purses the next time we go shopping.

The good news, however, is absolutely FANTASTIC.  If you love corn on the cob, and actually have enough money left to buy a few ears when you shop, today’s post offers a breakthrough in both the speed and simplicity of its preparation.  No more pots of boiling water, or bothersome shucking and desilking after it’s cooked.  In short, what I’m going to share with you is a lazy cook’s dream come true!  And the term “lazy cook,” fits me perfectly.

Now, I know what you‘re thinking…… Italians love to eat and are usually pretty good cooks.  For me, however, only the first half of that is true.  For while I’ve probably never met a food I didn’t like… (except for raw critters from the sea)… I view cooking as an activity where the time spent working and cleaning up, is disturbingly disproportionate to the time actually spent enjoying the finished meal.  And when you’re diabetic, to boot, why do all that work when you can’t eat “respectable” quantities of the really good stuff, anyway?

 Because I’m lazy, then, corn on the cob has always fallen into my “too much of a hassle” category.  I say “has,” because last week I got an e-mail with a video link to something called “Shucking Corn With Ken,” (see below).  In it, a nice gentleman showed the easiest way to make PERFECT corn on the cob in four minutes.  And the most exciting thing about it was, that cleaning and shucking beforehand , is replaced by instant shucking afterwards.

Here’s his absolutely simple and amazing procedure:

1.  Put your unshucked ears of corn in the microwave, allowing 4 minutes of cooking time for each.
2.  When the cooking time is up, safely remove them using heat mitts to protect yourself from being burned .
3.  On a cutting board or other surface, cut through the husk at the STALK end of each ear.  Then grab the protruding silk and leaves at the opposite end, and shake or squeeze the cooked ear out.  Amazingly, it slides out clean and ready to eat… with not a trace of either husk or silk.  Now what could be easier than that?

So, thanks to Ken for this amazing and life changing video.  Because of it, corn on the cob is no longer on my “painful preparations” list… in the food category, that is.  The stuff that comes in tubes, however, remains necessary due to advancing age. 
 
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To view the “Shucking Corn With Ken” video for yourself, paste the following address into your browser:
http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=YnBF6bv4Oe4&feature=youtu.be
 

Which Word Says It Best?

Word choice has always intrigued me.  That’s why this week, a TV program brought my attention to the word “riveted.”  More than once, lawyers discussing a murder case used it in the following context:  “I was riveted by the father’s testimony,” and “I haven’t witnessed such riveting testimony in a long time.”

“Why do lawyers seem to like that word?“ I wondered.  Obviously, “riveted” was their word of choice to convey how focused they were on the courtroom testimony.  As such, I have no qualms with their selection and use of the word.  Figuratively, it describes their rapt attention to the court proceedings.  For as rivets are strong metal fasteners in the industrial world, it was apparent that the drama of what was being said, caused their attention to be tightly “fastened” on the legal proceedings.

Anyway, while “riveted” might be a barrister’s first choice, there are other words that can be used to convey the same idea of being tightly focused on something.  Consider, for example:

-  “I was glued to the testimony.”  Perhaps that’s a little too messy and infers a certain amount of time needed for drying.
-  “My attention was welded to the testimony.”  Maybe the thought of intense heat that melts steel makes this word too menacing.
- “I was nailed to the witnesses account.”  A good choice, but might infer the person was hammered.
-  “My focus was bolted to the closing arguments.”  Might seem to question one’s mental stability since it relies on a nut.
-  “For thirty minutes my attention was cemented to the proceedings.”  A little too scary in permanence… in a Jimmy Hoffa sort of way, that is.
-  “My concentration was screwed to the testimony.”  Probably too uncomfortable a word considering it is part of the description of what some lawyers do for a living.

The Idiots Among Us

There are lots of things a person can worry about these days if he chooses to do so.  Whether it’s the terrible economy and the financial pressure it‘s causing, or personal conflicts at home or in the workplace, the challenges of raising happy and well-adjusted kids, or perhaps uncertainties about one’s health, the list goes on and on.  It never seems to end.

Worrying is a debilitating activity, at best, so that’s why I consciously simplify my life in order to avoid as many mental distractions as possible.  Every now and then, however, something pops up that makes even ME start to worry.   And the latest of these reared its ugly head as I read comments left for a video posted on “You Tube,” one in which the sinking scene in the movie, “Titanic” was edited to play backwards.

The project was done by an aspiring film student.  Like any movie that’s played in reverse, it was an dramatic exercise in visual absurdity.  The huge ship rising from the water in pieces, along with its passengers and crew seeming to “rise” back up onto its decks, was a truly surreal experience.  But that’s not what got me worrying.  I mean, in seventy long years I’ve done lots of things backwards, so I’m more than used to it by now.  What sent chills up my spine was the number of “whacked” comments left by viewers of the video.  Not only were they stupid and indicative of minimal mental function, they were written using language and spelling not worthy of my First Grade students.

Now, I neither consider myself a mental giant, nor academic snob.  I’m just an old codger that appreciates clear thinking, the ability to communicate, and a non-embarrassing level of literacy when dealing with others.  In my opinion, then, these written comments displayed NONE of the aforementioned traits, and that’s why I’m worried.  For looking beyond the confines of my cloistered world, I find the horizon littered with hoards of human numbskulls!

Here are some of the comments left for the video, “Titanic Sinking In Reverse.”  I present them to you, unedited:

-  “i knew you could fall upwards”
-  “thes peple must love bouncing”
-  “its good but it’s not real life”
-  “It would be a miracle if this happened to the titanic thumbs up to agree”
-  “Did that just really happen? O_o”
-  “maybe the electricity ran out? and the man put it on and it come out of water”
-  “the titanic sank in real life these are actors”
-  “a oficer shoott his self”
-  “… what happened?”

-  “I think Yodas doing this”
-  “yeah, reverse titanic makes sense, but reverse twilight we get nothing!”
-  “i was most excited to see the guy that hits the propeller when he falls rise back up and hit it again…”
-  “My grama’s uncle was one it”
-  “i want this to happen”
-  “this is somewhat hilariouse”
-  “that stupid iceburg had to be in the way”

Are you freaking kidding me????  Are there that many slow-witted illiterates watching videos these days?  As an educator, if any of these respondents were former students of mine, I’d promptly go out in the backyard and hang myself from the peak of my workshop roof.  And maybe… just for ironic impact, I’d get someone to video the whole thing, then edit it to run backwards so I can “come back to life.” Then I can read the comments left about me, and start worrying all over again.