Fortune Cookie Messages: Let's Get Real !

This week I detoured into an Asian take-out restaurant on my way home from driving around aimlessly seeking a location for which the phonebook vouched, but even my GPS wouldn’t admit existed. Of course, I ordered my favorite four item combo which included fried rice, chow mein noodles, beef broccoli, and teriyaki chicken. As always, the nice Mamasan didn’t skimp on the portions, and I ended up walking out with about two pounds of food for a mere $6.14 including tax. Not only that, she threw in three napkins, a plastic fork, a reusable segmented Styrofoam hot food container, an individually wrapped fortune cookie, and a cheerful and sincere, “Tank you beddy much” as part of the deal.

(BEGIN EDITORIAL COMMENT: How the Chinese continue to undercut American prices is nothing short of amazing. Had I spent the same amount of money next door at the pizza place, they would have given me about half of a twelve inch, one-topping pie, and probably put it in a brown paper bag in order to save the cost of one of their cardboard boxes. Were I to have spent $6.14 at the Italian restaurant up the street, I would have gotten about six forkfuls of spaghetti, one ping pong ball-sized meatball, and a half slice of garlic bread… plus, I probably would have had to put it in my own container and supply my own grated cheese and extra sauce once I got home. And face it, neither of these two places would have given me a fortune cookie to top off the meal. END OF EDITORIAL COMMENT.)

So I went home and ate myself into a stupor, not caring whether my condition was a result of eating too much, or purely MSG poisoning. And when I was done, I unwrapped the fortune cookie with anticipation, and broke it in half to expose the text printed just for me. This is what it said: “Your travels will be productive, and lead to new opportunities.” I thought about it for a moment, then it hit me. Fortune cookie messages are a bunch of crap, with no relationship to everyday reality. After all, I had just used eight dollars worth of gas and at least sixty minutes of my remaining life span traveling to a store that didn’t even exist. And, the only thing it led me to was the opportunity to buy a Chinese dinner on which I hadn’t really planned, plus receive a bullshit fortune cookie message that rubbed my nose in the whole afternoon fiasco.

Based on this experience, then, from today on I’m launching a campaign to reform fortune cookie messages so that they TELL THE TRUTH ! No more optimistic platitudes that make you expect something fantastic is going to happen, and no more suggestions that you’re going to be a bigger shot than you already are. No more embellishments about your wit, your personality, or your overall worth and/or importance to those around you, and no exaggerations about your astounding impact on the world at large. From today forward, fortune cookies must tell it like it is!

So, here are some examples of traditional fortune cookie messages which I’ve altered by adding a short phrase (in blue) which cuts through the verbal bologna, and makes them reflect glimpses of the real world in which we live.

- Your love life will be happy and harmonious, at least until you get married.
- Your hard work will pay off today, but only if you rob a bank or a convenience store.
- Your biggest virtue is your modesty, and the way you brag about it all the time.
- You will become more and more wealthy, after your kids leave home.
- You should be able to undertake and complete anything, as long as it comes with diagrams and simple written directions.
- You have yearning for perfection, but only in those around you.
- Romance moves you in a new direction, but it’s mostly downhill or to the rear.
- Listen to everyone. Ideas come from everywhere, just like flatulence in a crowd leaving Taco Bell.
- He who knows he has enough, is rich in the skill of underestimation.
- It takes courage to admit fault, but even more courage to live on a fault.
- Don’t worry; prosperity will knock on your door soon, or more likely some Jehovah’s Witnesses.
- Every wise man starts out by asking many questions about where he can rent a camel.
- How you look depends on where you go, so visiting the blind should work in your favor.
- Good to begin well, better to end well, and dangerous to jump into a well. Oh, well…
- Don’t let your limitations overshadow your talents, even though in your case the ratio is ten thousand to one .
- Your ability to juggle many tasks will take you far, as long as you join a traveling circus.
- Hard words break no bones, fine words butter no parsnips, whatever the hell that means…?
- The sure way to predict the future is to invent it, just like you do everything else in your life.
- You will always have good luck in your personal affairs, that is, until your mistress’ husband catches your adulterous asses.
- You have an active mind and keen imagination, so do something novel by facing reality for a change.
- You are in good hands this evening, even though you most likely had to pay for them.
- People find it difficult to resist your persuasive manner, and the fact you can beat them up.
- You are going to have some new clothes stolen from your luggage at the airport.
- You are busy, but you are happy that it gives you time away from your wife and/or girlfriend.
- You are open-minded and quick to make new friends who absolutely agree with you on every point.
- Many will travel to hear you speak, and many will regret having made the trip.
- You are working hard to avoid getting something done.
- You have an ambitious nature and may make a name for yourself, if you ever decide to get off your fat ass.
- You have the power to write your own fortune, SO WHY IN THE HELL ARE YOU READING THIS ONE?